D-Blog Day 2009

So, November is Diabetes awareness month. Also 4 years ago a bunch of people decided that November 9th would be D-Blog day - and that's today! heehee.

I can't believe it's been nearly 8 years since I was diagnosed. I can remember it like yesterday, but being as it's a daily managed disease it's also hard to remember life without it.

The few weeks leading up to diagnosis were really quite awful. Couldn't get enough to drink at all, everything I drank comes right back out 20 minutes later. I had no energy but to lay on the couch all day. I didn't even want to play video games with my little brother, something that I used to really enjoy. I dropped over 20 pounds in 2 weeks.

Figuring it had gone on too long to be the flu my wonderful mother took me to the doctor where we waited awhile in urgent care to find anything out. Finally the doctor came back in and said I had a blood sugar of 346 (or somewhere around there) and to take me to the hospital. They would be waiting for us. We stopped off at home, grabbed a few things then to the hospital I went.

Upon arrival my blood sugar was over 400 and they had a hard time getting an IV in I was so dehydrated. I don't remember much else from that night. There was this awesome teddy bear named Rufus that I slept with that night. It has patches on it that are supposed to simulate where you give your insulin shots.


Shortly after all that I started struggling very very badly with Diabulimia. It has only recently been recognized as an eating disorder among the medical/professional community. It is a very serious condition, though. One that landed me in the hospital numerous times, one where I passed out shortly after arriving there and they were trying to force potassium down my throat and I just threw up instead. Woke up a couple days later attached to heart monitors, IV's in both arms and generally in a very awful state of being.

It is still a struggle to deal with, but nothing like it used to be. Now I like to be healthy, or at least try. I get frustrated when I spend day like yesterday in the 400's and not coming down (when I wouldn't have cared one little bit a couple years ago). I took 40 units of insulin just to bring that number down - I didn't eat till near the end of the day when I just wanted food! Of course I didn't make the healthiest of choices - Pizza and a Homemade Cinnamon Roll - keeping me in that 400 blood sugar range the rest of the night.

It's been a crazy 8 years. Being Diabetic has helped shape me into who I am. It is wearying, frustrating and downright depressing at times - but I will not let what is forever part of my life get me down for long. I love to live and not be restrained by Diabetes - as people told me I would be. I love having had a successful diabetic pregnancy, an adorable daughter, wonderful husband, a fantastic family and life.

Happy D-Blog day, Everyone!

Fort Hood

Can we all just take a moment and pray for the soldiers and their families in Fort Hood, Texas!?

I'm having a hard time grasping the reality that our own Soldiers would open fire on their Own. I almost expect if from non military, those lobbying against the military - as an act of open defiance. HOWEVER, I never expected it from people who are IN the military. On their own base. People they have trained and worked with.

I expect this kind of thing, because not much surprises me anymore (although anything like this breaks my heart/pisses me off) but I don't expect it to come in this way.

My heart is so broken for the families of the 12 who have died today. I am praying for those who are wounded and receiving medical care.

Please pray for these Men and Women and their families. Please pray for guidance for the Army, the FBI and everyone else Investigating. Pray for the medical personnel as they treat those injured.

Tired

Excuse me while I go on a quick little medical rant....

I am thankful, I really am, that I "only" have Diabetes. I am thankful that it isn't something worse. I am thankful that it isn't more expensive. I'm REALLY thankful I have insurance.

But, Dang! It IS expensive!

I hate choosing between clothes for Rylee or Myself and Insulin or Pump Sites. I hate that Kenny gets to spend his play money on games and the like - and I have to sometimes choose to spend my play money on my drugs simply because it just has to work out that way.

I appreciate that he works and provides for us and that I can get these things to keep me alive. I don't want Kenny to feel like he is punished for my stupid disease by not being able to have a few things that keep him happy. The last thing I want is for him to resent me being diabetic. I know he won't, I just don't want to even have it be an issue.

I hate that when I DO order my supplies the incompetent pharmacist can't realize that I NEED these drugs to stay alive and so does not ship them out that day AND does not call when they have a shipping/billing issue!

I hate that my pump is going to be out of warranty in a couple weeks and we don't have the money to pay 20% of the copay for a new one!

I hate that wanting to stay in better control to live a better life (and in turn save us and hospitals and insurance companies lots of money!) insurance companies don't want to pay a little out of their pockets now to ensure they won't have to pay out their butts later!

Sometimes I don't want to think about any of this so don't take care of myself too much. If I'm not paying attention to me I'm costing us less money right now. ...but it's not good for anyone.
I'm not getting any younger, my body will not continue to be as resilient as it has been in the past.

I was in the best health while I was pregnant - because my baby's life and health was on the line. If only I could keep up the endless fight against my own body. Dang it, though, I'm tired of it!

I've got major dental issues these days - which in turn cause blood sugar issues which then cause those dental issues to not get any better which can then cause my immune system to not work properly leaving me more vulnerable to colds and whatever else may be floating around this time of year.

I'm just tired of fighting against myself. Fighting against the idiots that get into health care because it's a good money maker but don't really know what their doing. Fighting against insurance companies. I'm tired.

Do I deserve this?

A phrase that has always bothered me is "I don't deserve this" or "You don't deserve this."

Really, what DO we actually deserve (or not deserve)? Who decides that and what is it based on?

We are all sinners saved by Grace. We do/think/want to do things on a daily, sometimes minute by minute basis that certainly do not merit "good things" to happen to us. Whether it be a thought or action. Thinking about how much you hate what your husband just did, or how mad you are at your child. Thinking about that friend that you really don't want to be friends with and wish you could "break it off." Cursing or wanting to curse because you just hit you elbow on the corner of the counter as you were walking by.

Maybe its just not noticing or thanking your husband when he takes out the trash without your asking him. Or realizing how GOOD your baby is being, allowing you a few minutes to clean.

Whatever it is, how often do we really "deserve" something?

I often have people often tell me that I don't "deserve to be diabetic" and deal with all that entails. Or we don't "deserve" to have some of the crap that is thrown our way. Some people we know who has sick babies, or spouses don't "deserve" to have that situation "happen to them."

I think it falls along the lines of "why do bad things happen to good people?" I feel that they aren't just arbitrary circumstances that randomly happen. I believe that God allows those things to happen to certain people because God knows they can handle it, and that whatever the outcome may be - they can point to God's glory or sovereignty.

Sometimes I am surprised at the amount of stress and things I can handle at once. It is rare that I actually think about it, though. The things that have come my way I know completely that they have helped make me who I am. I know that the issues I have had with Eating Disorders has helped make me the more outgoing confident individual I am now (although that can be a total mask at times still). I know that being Diabetic has helped me appreciate life and living it (although that also is a bit of a contradiction from my Eating disordered life!). I know that troubles and family issues growing up has made me appreciate my parents and what they have gone through for us. I know that the hurdles in Kenny's and my Marriage have only brought us closer and stronger.

So, really, who really deserves anything one way or another? I know I am quite guilty of plenty crap on a daily (sometimes hourly!) basis. Why would I deserve my husband to come home smiling and happy and willing to do anything I want? Why would we deserve to have our phone company try and screw us out of the new phone we are SUPPOSED to get after 2 years (and then spend 2 hours on the phone with them trying to get them to be honest and good about the situation)? Why would we deserve to have to make decisions between Kenny's schooling or a new Insulin Pump for me?

No reason other than we can handle it. We rely on God and his timing. We love each other and come what may! Storms come, they can be hard and fierce and long, but they do end and the calm afterward is a beautiful site!

Random

Rylee has been teething for what seems like forever. She'll go a few hours in between meltdowns that seem to really only attributable to teething. Sometimes its just plain grumpiness, most of the time it's teething related. We can finally see that stupid little tooth trying to poke through, but it's still not through!

She also acquired my dang cold that I was down and out with last week! I'm really bummed because it was so awful for me, I really hope it won't be as bad for her. Her poor nose is running like a faucet, right after we finally get that blasted diaper rash cleared up and the diarrhea and and and.... I'm tired!

I can't deal with Buyer's remorse and am taking back that huge ugly purse I bought the other day. I found a better one for myself for $1! I'm SO pleased with it. Even though I bought the other used I just couldn't justify the money I spent on that stupid thing. My new one is a bit smaller which is the great part about it, the first one really was just too big for my body. haha.

I've got a recent complete addiction to 3 Musketeer mint. I've loved it since it came out right around the time I got married, but the rediscovery is killing me! I'm ashamed to say I've been eating them over actual food and to the point my blood sugar is much too high. What can I say? I'm a sucker for chocolate and mint!! Every time! I should ban them from my house but... ....my will is too weak.

I can already tell after this holiday season is over I'm going to have to do some serious butt kicking to get myself back into gear on the healthy train.

Oh, did I mention that it snowed here this morning? It seems to have been pretty spotty around town and and only got a light blanket in a couple small areas. What's crazy, though, is that we actually had snow in October. We've had record snow falls the last couple years but they didn't hit until December. Man, I LOVE winter.

Not Me! Monday!

Welcome to Not Me! Moday! This was created by the lovely a inventive MckMama as a fun way to start a week new and has spread quite widly since! Head on over to her blog and check out what everyone else did Not do this week!

My husband and I did not go out just for fun and then spontaneously bought Miss Rylee a new Carseat, thereby graduating her from her Infant Seat. My husband did not insist on installing it in the target parking lot! He also did not want to leave that massive box in the middle of the lot (WHO would think of doing such a thing!? No, he didn't get to just leave it.).

I also did not JUST buy a Baby Book to fill in for Rylee. I, being the excited pregnant mother I was, would have bought one WAY in advance!

In the span of just a couple hours I also did NOT succumb to things I said I never would! I did not try on skinny jeans just for fun then end up having to find a pair that fit perfect and actually buy them!!!

After that I did not find and concurrently buy a HUGE ugly purse - now trading two (a purse and diaper bag) for one clunky thing! My sweet Mother always carries around a fairly large purse (or two) and I always said I would never do that... Of course I still have Not done that!

Sugar Free Cough Syrup

I hate being Sick.

I hate being Diabetic and Sick.

Here's a new one: I hate being Diabetic, Sick AND a Mommy!!!

Started coming on Monday night and has just gotten worse and worse with each day. Today I woke up and felt the need to puke. I hate puking, so stifled that urge down. The problem was that I felt that urge alllll morning. So, lay on the floor with pillows and blankets while Rylee played around throwing cheerios on the floor and climbing on my aching head.

Finally she decided that she'd take a nap with me so I got to lay there on the floor till after 11am, sleeping off and on.

Feeling a bit better I decided to try and shower. Rylee wasn't cooperating. I put her in the high chair and brought that into the bathroom - with a tray full of food. She wasn't having it. Screamed her stupid cute head off the entire time. Being upset about that I ignored her and decided to at least blow dry my hair. She wasn't pleased but neither was I.

Suffering from a nasty Upper Respiratory Infection, a bad case of Blood Sugars Gone Wild, and a Cranky Child has me quite cranky myself.

Kenny is so sweet, though, bringing me home some Chicken Noodle Soup and Sugar Free Cough Syrup. Then took care of Rylee for me and put her to sleep for me too! Instead of sleeping, like I should be, I am instead blogging.

I have never tried the Sugar Free Cough Syrup made especially for Diabetics (heehee) before. I never really thought the normal stuff was all that bad - but I am quite appreciative for it today! My sugars have been 300+ all day - furthering my crappy feeling body right along. Hopefully this stuff will give me some relief and not cause my sugars to run any higher at all!