She's moving out already!

Yesterday I was feeling pretty depressed and down. That usually means I need something to do and I need to let off some steam.

While I was venting to Kenny and Giving Rylee a bath (multi-tasking even while Venting!) she was grabbing for a toy when she took a head dive right into the water. Usually she's great about getting back up when that happens - this time she flailed around quite a bit. I picked her soaking wet body up and held her close.

Poor baby was really upset about that water dunk. While Kenny and I were comforting her we were kinda laughing too. The bad parents we are found the dunk a bit humorous. That disarmed me enough that the rest of my night was pretty good.

Today I decided that I would officially give Rylee her own room. The one that I had intended on her having before she was born. The one that fell apart when she needed to be in the same room with us, in the same bed as us. The one that became a dump area. The one that got cleaned up and was going to be my office.

Yes, She has her own room now! I'm so happy! It's not completely done. There are still things I need to do to it. She also needs a dresser. So, tonight, on the eve of her 11 month birthday, she'll be spending the night in her OWN ROOM! When did my baby get big enough to move out of mine? heehee.

So, a full supply of No-Bake Cookies to fend off the low blood sugars, which made their appearance once - go figure with all the furniture moving! I completely switched out the rooms. Kenny's and My bedroom is now a partial "office" area/sleeping area and Rylee has her room. I hope to soon make it everything I had wanted it to be when she was born almost a year ago.

She's getting so big. She's even helping me vacuum!

I also have a spot for a Christmas tree in my living room now too. I'll soon be setting up all my Christmas stuff. I LOVE Christmas-y things and I like to get them up early and leave them up long after Christmas. Yes, I love this time of year!

World Diabetes Day, 2009

Yep, Today is the day. I've gotta admit I feel really silly being all "gung-ho" about it this year. I also feel silly that I didn't know about it before. I've been very active in the diabetic online community since I was diagnosed nearly 8 years ago. Searching, reading blogs, researching everything I could find. Finding everything I could about the latest and greatest treatments... all that jazz. Yet, I never knew about this. Ha! Oh well, I'm a little late to the game.

Notice anything a little strange about this picture?

Maybe it's that it's unopened? Maybe that it looks like it was squeezed after being emptied? Or maybe both?

Yep, I pulled that can straight out of the box that way today! At first I was concerned that it had a hole in it and was leaking all over my refrigerator, which wouldn't be the first time that had happened. I then realized that I would have seen it several days ago. Upon further inspection there are absolutely no holes in it. Lost it carbonation in shipping, or never had it in the first place.

Some days I feel like that. Like I never had any carbonation, or energy, in the first place. Waking up with a high blood sugar will do that to me, or sleeping wrong or... whatever. I think we all feel that way sometimes.

My husband told me to get a refund on the box by taking that can back to the store. I don't like to do that kind of thing so I told him to do it himself if he cared enough about it.

Too bad we can't get a new start on the day "refilled" or "refueled" so to speak. Take our dead pancreas's back, or faulty lungs that cause asthma, arthritic joints for new ones - ya know, just exchange what came to us screwed up!

There are always, it probably will never end, people who are campaigning for cures for something. Be it Cancer in its many different forms, Parkinson's, or Diabetes- Type 1, 2, or Gestational. Today (because it isn't midnight yet my time!) I'd like there to be a cure for diabetes. It has certainly shaped me into who I am today, but I'd like to see no one else wind up with it, especially the little boy I ran into at pizza hut a month ago. He saw my pump and was all excited because he had the same one. He couldn't have been more than 4 years old.

That is what I'd like to see stopped.

Diabetes Ignorance

You know when your in a conversation with anyone - grocery store cashier, a new acquaintance, an old friend you haven't seen in years, the nice lady in the drug isle at Target... and then they ask you a question? Usually why you are buying ibuprofen, or related to what you are looking at right then.

I have found that while being diabetic there have been numerous conversations surrounding
diabetes while in public. It never ceases to amaze me the amount of ignorance out there.

While looking at the different kinds of blood sugar meters at Wal-mart yesterday, just to see what's new and see what new kinds of sugar free foods they are carrying now, a 30-something looking woman (who was waiting for her prescriptions?) scoffs at me and asks why I would be looking at sugar free foods, I obviously don't need them! I politely explain to her that I do in fact need them from time to time as I am Type 1 Diabetic. She then goes on to explain to me that her mom is Diabetic and she doesn't ever need any of that stuff. She just eats what she wants and takes her pills in the morning and checks her blood in the morning too, that's all I need to do, evidently.

Also, at that very same store in the soda section, I was buying a 24 pack of some very tasty Diet Pepsi (I have a love affair with the crap), and another woman (what's with women being allowed to make comments to whoever they choose!?) then tells me I shouldn't be on a diet and drink that stuff. So, once again I very courteously inform her that I am Type 1 Diabetic and do need to drink the Diet Crap or I'll end up with very high blood sugars and the nastiest sugar headache that feels a lot like a hangover. She rolls her eyes and tells me I have diabetes because I drink Diet Soda.

A dear friend of mine who recently passed away was also convinced he could cure me. He was very into miracle cures and diet potions. I tried to tell him that, no, my pancreas wouldn't "jump start" and make insulin again. I tried to let him know that my own body attacked my pancreas and it was dead - it cannot be "revived". No, he stuck to his guns.

My husband came back from work a month or two ago with a piece of paper with a ladies name and a list of medicine and dosages. I asked what those were about, he laughed and said "Those are for you!" upon inquiring more he told me that the Lady whose house he installed a security system for told him she could cure my diabetes if I took the concoction for a year. ...I threw it away after being mildly irritated and then laughing about it.

Oh, there are many many more like that. "You don't look diabetic" "Did you eat too much sugar when you were little?" "Why do you wear a pager? You're too young for one of those." Here's my favorite recent one: "Wait, you're diabetic!? Did you adopt that little angel?" "No, She's my husbands and my own." "WHY would you chose to have a baby when you're diabetic?!"
Oh, Yes, I'm very serious about that one.

So, Tomorrow is World Diabetes Day 2009, Here's to helping people be a little less ignorant!

Taking the Higher Road

I try to do that as part of my daily life. It's difficult in marriage from time to time, though... okay, a little more often than that.

When something goes wrong in our house it's almost always my "fault". Why? Because I do most of the things in our house. Kenny works for us, and I appreciate that more than I have been able to appropriately express. So, I try to do my part - staying home with our daughter, keeping the house clean, doing the grocery shopping, buying him pizza or video games. heehee.

When we're out of something - it's my "fault" (forget him actually remembering to tell me when he's low on shampoo, although I've been trying for a couple years now). When the house is trashed (which I hate, it stresses me out) it's my "fault", thereby stressing me out more. When dinner isn't ready it's my "fault". Or, when we're out of money - it's my "fault".

Most of the time I just shrug it off. I would be one grumpy individual if I didn't. Most of the time it doesn't bother me at all. Key phrase being Most of the time.

Sometimes I want to scream at him, or someone. Sometimes I want to tell him exactly what I do all the time while he is at work and sometimes I want to tell him exactly what he doesn't do or help out with EVER because I wouldn't ask him to ever. Sometimes I want to tell him that he is ungrateful and would never put up with the stuff I put up with. Sometimes.

It's pretty darn rare that I feel that way. Hardly ever. Sometimes, though, it really gets me and I get mad.

Today I realized we spent a LOT of money since he got his paycheck **2** days ago. I couldn't believe it. I have been dang good with money lately and was a bit upset to see that. I realize that a good portion of it went to bills, of course, no big deal. The rest of it on Groceries, novelties and eating out. I was irritated with myself for not keeping better tabs on our outflow the last 2 days, but I got over it.

Kenny just realized this and got upset. I can't help but think this time that it isn't my fault and I will not be solely responsible this time.

Tonight he talks to me about it as though it is my fault. Sometimes I'm okay with taking the responsiblity, but not this time. I have been dang good and conscious of money these days and while I did let this slip a little it is certainly not my fault.

Tonight I am struggling with taking the higher road. Tonight while Kenny is struggling to get to sleep I don't want to be nice. Tonight I want to lay on the guilt trip and let him know it's all his fault. ...in the end that isn't what I want. He'll take back some stuff and feel depressed and be impossible to live with for the next week and I'll feel like crap too.

Tonight I do not want to take the higher road. Tonight I want to be a jerk. Tonight I realize I love my husband too much to do that to him. Tonight I'll snuggle and love him and pray that he'll be okay for the next week.

Development

Rylee is learning to challenge me. She deliberately does something as soon as I walk away she was just disciplined for. She looks at me and then does something she knows not to - then stops and tries to crawl/walk away when I start coming toward her.

She is throwing things all the time. It's usually quite funny - which is becoming a problem - because I have to fight my urge to laugh and think its cute and discipline her for it. I didn't mind continually picking things up that she'd throw down while I was shopping - but now she's doing it to see how many times I'll keep picking it up for her.

She's also pulling my hair and hitting! Again, it used to be cute (okay, it still is) but she's now doing it to be mean.

:::::SIGH:::::

Why? Just shy of 11 months my sweet little girl is start

ing these things so young. I'm sad. I hate disciplining her. I hate breaking her poor little heart when I sit her down and sternly tell her "no no!" and she looks at me like I just beat her - then cries as though I had.

It is sometimes hard to discern when she is hitting to be mean. She smacks things in excitement too. So I have to figure out if its a fit or if its excitement. I'm trying to be on top of this. If I let things slide that I shouldn't it screws up the values I'm trying to instill in her, and I have to start over again.

I have to turn my head or leave the room and laugh when she throws an all out conniption fit on the floor.

Her newest thing, when throwing a fit (because I just took the cleaning stuff that she managed to get out of the locked cabinet(!?) away) she slams her arms down on the floor - then on all fours charges across the room, head down, like a bull - slamming her ligaments all the way. - It's hilarious.

Another thing in her recent development:

Yeah, she's great, despite her need to test me.

My poor pump :(

The warranty on my Beloved Insulin pump is up this November. It's hard to believe that it's been 4 years since I got hooked up to the very thing that I swore I wouldn't ever wear.

I've had my ups and downs with it for sure. Times where I went back to MDI (Multiple Daily Injections) then back to the pump, then back to MDI.... Fact of the matter is, though, I have much better control with my Insulin Pump.

In the beginning of April 2008 I decided to go back on my pump after almost a year off it. Little did I know that at the end of that month I would find out I was expecting our little Rylee. Talk about great timing. I was able to get my awful A1c down in the 8's, then 7's then 6's for the rest of my pregnancy. Ending with the most fantastic number I have ever seen at a lovely 5.4.

My pump and I are buddies. Sleeping together, eating together, swimming together, having a baby together. The only time we are apart are the few minutes I get in the shower every day, even then it's only a couple feet. I have gone through many a pump. I'm not sure how many times I have had to have it replaced. I am not ginger with my little buddy. He understands, though, he's apart of my rough and tumble life. Which has, incidentally, gotten more rough and tumble with our munchkin around always keeping me on my toes.

I am a little distraught about the warranty going out. S

ee, when I first got it 4 years ago, it was completely paid for on the insurance plan. Since then I got married and life has changed drastically - so has our insurance - which now says we have to pay 20% of the cost after meeting our deductible. It's a little stressful to be certain. I could meet the deductible fairly easily with my prescriptions, but then there is the 20%.

I know, there are usually payment plans. Kenny and I are desperately trying to get out of debt, though and REALLY don't want to add something else. We just got rid of something, and would really not like to put one back on.

Also, I recently decided that I would really really like to get the Dexcom CGMS. Another 20% copay for that, though. Unless Animas comes out with the integrated CGMS by the time I get enough money fund raised to get my new pump. That would be fantastically unbelievable. For now, though, it looks like we'll be trying to cover the copay with our tax return and try and pay more of a debt off and help pay things for Kenny's schooling.

:::SIGH::: Decisions, Decisions! Can I just have my warranty for a little while longer? Please? I'm a little unnerved about going for a few months without one. I'm excited for a new pump, though. I'm geeky and love new gadgets! Here's to a new life-saving gadget hopefully sooner rather than later!

In other news:

My daughter is totally cute and I really like her now favorite toy:

Hypocritical

Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite.

Like right now. I talk quite often about being healthy, eating healthy, being a "good" diabetic, good blood sugars, exercising properly.........

Fact is, though, I am SO not the epitome of health.

A couple months after Rylee was born I stopped really trying to take care of myself. Things were just getting more and more busy, Rylee was a very sweet and easy infant but a needy one. So, I haven't cared much about caring.

I feel hypocritical

I've put off seeing my Endocrinologist since before my daughter was born last year. I'm certain my A1c is atrocious. I've just cared less and less, until now.

And I feel hypocritical

Why now? Oh, many reasons. Realizing I feel like crap a lot these days (but do my very best not to show it), I'd really rather not. Rylee's 1st birthday is coming up VERY soon and I want to be able to enjoy every one of her birthdays for a good long long time. It also happens to be Diabetes Awareness month, I mentioned that yesterday, and I feel it's an appropriate time to really get my butt back in gear.

I'd like to get my A1c Back in the 6-7's again. I had never been below a 7.8 before pregnancy, but man, it felt awesome to be in the 6-7%'s. I'm sure I'm in the high 10's at least.

I feel hypocritical.

While I have mostly conquered the evil world that is eating disorders, it is not completely gone, nor will it ever be, I think. Some of that does hold me back still at times. If only I had realized what I had before being pregnant. Ha! It is better this way, though. I can see that.

I have wanted for a long time to have some sort of podium to shout from. Some way to communicate with others, specifically young girls/women who struggle with diabetes, eating disorders or both. I don't have a degree. I don't have any reason for anyone to listen to me ever, I am hypocritical. Maybe, though, someday I will be able to have a podium. Maybe this is it, or this is what God has planned for me, or he has completely different ones. Only time will tell.

In the mean time, I will move forward and do my best to stop being the hypocrite that I hate so much. I will strive to be the best I can for my Husband, for my Daughter. I will get my blood sugar in my control and no longer let it continue to control me.

Here's to bringing awareness by becoming aware myself.