Musings.

I always find it interesting what gets my mind going.

I was very saddened yesterday at church to find out a dear friend of mine had miscarried. They weren't trying, it was a "pill baby" the attachment for that child forms so quickly, though. I instantly felt all those emotions stirred from when that very same thing happened to me. I wish no one would have to go through that ever. Yet, I believe that it things like these that shape those of us who do into who we are based on how we respond to it.

I still miss those twins that I only saw once on an ultrasound. I still wish I had gotten a picture to "remember" them with and so Kenny could have seen them too. Kenny and I still wonder what they would have been and who they would have become. It's been 2 years now since being pregnant and miscarrying with them - and yet I still get sad about it - even though I know Rylee would not have come to be if that pregnancy had been healthy.

We wouldn't trade our second pill baby for the world. She is such a joy to us. Today she has been in just a happy go lucky mood - even went to sleep almost smiling. Laughing at the stupid things I do and wanting me to pay attention and play with her. We always wonder about our other 2, though, and cannot wait to meet them someday.

Kenny is going out of town for the next 4 days. It'll be interesting. He's not been gone that long in quite awhile. He wasn't too happy about finding out about it today. Usually he gets more advanced warning to prepare for it.

In the meantime Rylee'll be sleeping with me for the rest of the week because I don't like to go to bed alone. Heehee.

Cake!

I find it very easy to get frustrated with my daughter when I try to help her - but she "rebels" (as much as a 9month old can) against it. Then I force myself to sit back and come to the realization that she doesn't know that what I am doing will help her with whatever is already bothering her. At that point I'll have compassion and will no longer have thoughts like:

"You stupid kid! Just hold still so I can give you some medicine!"

Instead I'll feel sorry for her:

"You poor girl, I'm sorry you don't feel good and don't know that this medicine will help you feel better."

I wish my thoughts went to the more compassionate way easier than they do. I force myself to think this way, I hope that one day it'll become more habitual.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

My dear sisters birthday is this Thursday. We're throwing a party for her on Saturday. She'll be ****Sixteen****!!! I cannot believe MY little sister is going to be 16. She requested I make her cake for her - specifically a fondant cake. No biggie. I decided that it'll be a white base with black geometrical shapes. Now, the cake on the other hand - when you cut into it, it'll look something like this:



I got this lovely idea from MckMama after her party the other day. I had to try it out today, though, before actually committing to it. I think it's gonna look pretty sweet and'll be a lot of fun in the somewhat irony of black and white bursting into a rainbow. ...I'm a nerd.

Of Tights, Stores, Deals and other things!

I shouldn't be up anymore tonight, but I am. Kenny and I watched Robin Hood: Men in tights tonight. It has been years since I've seen it and Kenny hadn't. I forgot how completely ridiculous that movie is. Also how completely awesome.

However it has created a need in me to watch Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. I really like that movie a lot, its also been many years since I've seen that - Kenny has also not seen it before. I wonder if I can get him to watch it tomorrow with me? Probably not, he'll be "Robin Hooded" out.

We also went on a walk to the store earlier today with Rylee. It's been a long while since we made that trek. It's a bit of a walk from our apartment, and we've never gone with Rylee before today. She was such a good sport and slept a good portion of the walk.

It's probably a huge character flaw of mine but I feel SO badly when I have to tell my husband that we can't afford to buy a game he wants. Yes, he's like a little kid sometimes! No, He doesn't whine at all, just kid like in his love for video games. He's been waiting for this one for so long and we need to wait a couple more weeks to do it. We've had some rough weeks with his paychecks so we're still trying to recover from that.

Seriously, though - I often feel as though it's "my fault" he can't have a game. I'll think to myself well, if we don't buy this or if I take that thing back or.... then we can get it. I feel like we don't do much extra in life that he should be able to have whatever it is. I know he doesn't think its my fault or anything - I just feel that way. Seriously something I should get over now. I'm going to get into trouble with Rylee one of these days soon.

I like to get things for Kenny and Rylee over my own stupid wants or even needs. I'll have something in my hands that "it only costs $5, should I get it?..... noooo. I'll put it back, I can get Kenny this other thing for $10 instead!" Gosh I'm a pathetic sucker!

Although today I did some "me" stuff - I took scissors to my hair and think what I did is my best self attempt yet! Only proving to myself I should not pay for haircuts for myself! haha. Did some serious trimming back of the overgrown eyebrows. I really should keep up on those more frequently, I'm sure I'd like it better. I just played and had fun with my family today!

We left the house before we'd even eaten this morning to go to a "free stuff sale" at a local computer store. Turned out to be totally worth it, you never know at those things. Kenny picked up some stuff to plug into a few different computers for friends/family. We even got a junker keyboard for Rylee to bang on. She tries for our good working ones all the time and we'd just rather she didn't do that, ya know?

It's been a huge "hit" today, lots of love to that thing! Also - while we were out we indulged in coffee and Rylee was trying for all she was worth to get a hold of my frappuccino. Now, I share most everything with her - EXCEPT - coffee. I have no idea why she was so bent on getting it. I finished it off and gave her the cup afterward and she looooved that thing! Goofy kid.

I also totally scored this toy for her yesterday:

The toy taking up the middle of our living room is supposed to be the center of attention in this case, not the fact she's more interested in the keyboard we got her today. It retails on Amazon for $180-200 and I got it for $12!!! I wasn't sure if it was worth it before I purchased it. I had a hard time deciding but she really liked it, so I did. Now just how much it retails for makes it completely worth it in my mind, hahaha! I only really paid $4 and change for it because I had "in store credit" where I was at.

All in all a pretty great weekend so far!

Shhhhh!!!

Don't tell my husband!

Heehee. No, Seriously, don't. I'm starting to get "baby fever." Crap, yes, it's happening to me.

It's probably just hormones. Maybe the severe lack of sleep that is motherhood - that's probably why women get pregnant so quickly after the birth of a baby - they are so sleep deprived they don't remember how awful those last 2 (at least!) months of pregnancy were. They don't remember that nightmare of a birth experience. They don't remember being hormonal because, lets face it, they still are.

I am not delusional, I remember allllll too well those last 4 months. The broken ribs, the incessant heartburn (that had me taking Zantac and carrying Tums around allllll day everyday.). Not to mention the constant doctor appointments - we're talking 3 a week here for the last 2 months sometimes 4-5.

I spent the last month on a day to day basis HOPING she would make an early appearance because I was so miserable. She did come 2 weeks early of her due date, but I'd have been happy even a couple weeks earlier than that. I was hospitalized one day for what they thought was early labor at 35 weeks 4 days. I was really hoping she'd come soon after that. haha.

Don't get me wrong, I wanted her to be as healthy as possible. I just wanted her out of my stomach!

Then there was the Contractions that were spiking clear the heck off the monitors (for EVERY one!) and weren't even 30 seconds apart. The nurse had me pushing every minute or two - not between contractions because there was no "in between"!

I was going for a "natural birth" without the epidural. That went out the window when the contractions gave me no break, I had the most awful back labor and we were all certain that with her estimated at 8-9 pounds I'd be in labor for a loooong time (she was 9 pounds even). Turned out I was in labor for 8 hours TOTAL. AND that epidural only kinda worked. It did enough, though, for me to at least breath and kinda all said and done.

We decided that Rylee would be our only child unless several years down the road we decide we cannot live without another. I'm still okay with that. BUT. I am now in the longest stretch of time that we've been married and I have not been pregnant. All my friends are pregnant with their first, second, third child. Everywhere I look there is yet another cute pregnant woman walking around.

I said when I was pregnant, and I stick to it now: I don't know how women like to be pregnant. Nearly all of it is miserable. And yet, it's a little hard for me to think about sometimes, though. We'll see what happens in the future and I will continue to enjoy my little Rylee in every single little thing. I just wonder if she will truly be our only child or if one day she'll be blessed with a sibling she'll get to dote on? hmmmm. For now, she gets a cousin next year!

She's also so close to walking, I love it. She pulls herself up on the couch and nearly runs along it then lets go reaching for me at the end and makes it a step before falling on her knees/stomach/face. It's cute. I don't know what I'm going to do when she finally does walk! I think it'd be cool if she walks on my birthday - it's only a little less than 2 weeks away. I think that'd be an awesome birthday present!

Anyways, random ramblings to try and talk myself out of my silly hormonal/sleep deprived baby wonderings. heehee.

Peace

After an amazing meeting of minds between my husband and I last night - my sweet child is being a terror this morning.

What began as a wonderful day turned into a nasty long one. We went out to lunch with my brother and his girlfriend and that was awesome. Old Country Buffet, only the 2nd time I had ever been there - it was fantastic and Rylee was perfectly content nearly the entire time eating up whatever I gave her. Quite a lot of fun.

Afterward we walked down along the strip mall, Kenny and my Brother went into Guitar Center and I went into this clothing store with my brothers girlfriend, A. After a little bit Kenny called me and was asking about purchasing something he found that he'd been wanting. It was an incredibly good deal. So that got us to talking.

We had just purchased new phones. Mine got stolen a couple weeks ago and we were due for our upgrade so we got new phones. The only catch is that we got expensive ones this time AND Kenny's phone required internet to be purchased on the plan at the same time. We worked out a payment plan with T-Mobile and it was going to be fine, so we thought.

I was okay with it, things were going to be really tight. Kenny's not been getting his full 40 hours a week so the paychecks have been light - but I figured the phone made him happy so it was worth it.

It came up yesterday that he was not entirely happy with the phone, it wasn't what he really thought it was and was thinking it may not have been worth it. It was making him feel a little ill just to use it knowing how much more a month it was costing, among other things.

Five hours later he came to the conclusion that he wanted to return the phone. At this point it was me who was in complete distress over the money situation. I felt like everything was my fault and that we should have just not gotten phones in the first place and I shouldn't have.... on and on.

I was certain we'd return both phones and that'd be the end of it. Kenny decided that we'd keep mine, because I like it and it was my phone that was stolen, mine really isn't costing an extra fee or anything - and he liked his old phone and it still worked fine.

After that we were feeling better about life for about 45 minutes. Heehee. Then a whole new conversation of money started. It went on for awhile, ended with crying on my part and a whole lot of serious emotion being put into what we were saying - BUT - we finally understood a few things that have been issues between us since we were married.

I'm so thankful we finallly got that out and understand things MUCH better than ever before.

Of course, Satan isn't happy with that so causing strife through our daughter this morning - we were NOT in good moods.

It's so hard to me - I KNOW when Satan is trying to kill what just happened in our marriage. He doesn't want us to become a stronger couple, especially a strong Christian couple. I know that he will bring whatever to stop what just happened. Although I know this I still have a hard time just letting some of those things roll off of me. Something I seriously need to work on.

For the moment, though. I am going to be content in our life and my husband and our Savior.

Oh the lessons to learn.

As I am drawing close to my Lord again I can feel and see him teaching me things. The thing about being taught is that the process is usually a painful and difficult one for me. Yeah, it could be easy if I would just learn the first freaking time. haha. Lessons would be much nicer if I would truly take them to heart and apply them daily as soon as I realize them and learn them.

It would be crazy for me to go there, though. So I must continue in my own stubborn way and continue being beat over the head with a proverbial 2x4 until the lessons are finally ingrained so deeply forgetting them will be all but impossible.

I tend to give off the appearance of being quite happy go lucky, and I usually feel similarly. That is until something nasty comes like - having to choose food or bills. It usually ends up going to bills with just enough left over to eat top ramen and potatoes. I'm okay with that, though. Its just that my very sweet husband goes into what appears to be a complete meltdown and that really really stresses me out too. So we both become huge basket cases.

I feel like this is a major growing point in our relationship with Christ and our relationship as husband and wife.

I do also think that we need to be much better about how we handle money. We're not awful as it is, I just feel that we buy frivolous things more than we should. I sincerely hope that we can both do this without much more conflict and difficulty than we have had recently.

I'm also seriously considering taking on a Saturday job to have a little extra, especially with the Holidays and birthdays coming up - and recent extra bills. I just don't know if I can deal with that on top of everything else. I love having my little mini-me with me all the time. I love Kenny's and my weekends together. They are such great times for us to really be together that we don't really like to socialize with others too often. Heehee. I'll be giving up one of those blessed days to work. I don't know yet if its worth it. Still praying and thinking about it a lot. I feel like I'll miss out on time with my baby. Hm. Much more pondering about that one.

On the upside TODAY I FINALLY paid off a debt from a car accident that occured 3 years ago!! Its a HUGE weight off my shoulders. Really stupid too - I'll NEVER EVER see ANYTHING from this payment. What I've been paying on this could have bought me a MUCH newer and nicer car than I currently own - but I have been paying on some other ladies car for the past 3 years simply because I was uninsured for, I kid you not, 1 week. I was actually on my way to the car insurance office when this stupid event happened.

Oh well, be thankful in everything is my lesson today!

When all else fails, Blog!

Right?

haha. Last night we went to our local county fair. I love it, more for sentimental reasons than any - but isn't that why most people go? To relive their childhood, or at least thats what they think, ha.

We had fun. Kenny raced remote control race cars and won. We bought local honey. I got a Henna tattoo for the first time. We looked at arts and crafts and decided Kenny's sister should enter her stuff - because they are by far cooler than most things entered, and I should enter photos I've taken of Rylee.

Poor Kenny was getting filled with allergies, though, so he was not much fun anymore - though he did his best. I was quite proud, he hates being at the fair. He hates crowds of people - especially in a dirty kind of place. haha. He did good though and I enjoyed our time there.

Of course, all that doesn't matter too much to me now with my phone having been stolen while we were there. Kenny says thats another reason why he hates the fair, because things like that happen. I've been going there all my life, though, and have never had anything like that happen.

I was hoping that MAYBE it was turned in - because when we looked at our account online last night there had been NO calls made from it from the last time I did at 6:30pm. In looking at the account again this morning, though there had been calls made from it.

We called t-mobile on Kenny's phone right away and suspended mine. I'm really irked. For many reasons.

• 1. Why would you steal a phone from a person with her husband and daughter in the stroller?
• 2. Why would you take a phone that is obviously a "necessity"? It's not some teenagers with pictures of her friends taking self-portraits on it. It has pictures of my daughter - which I happen to want, thank you VERY much for making those impossible to get back.
• 3. Why would you have waited until this morning to use my phone?
• 4. WHY further a "life of crime"? You used my phone to call a *Bail Bonds* place - a Stolen Phone to call a bail bonds place. Really?
• 5. I REALLY hope that they at least have the courtesy to erase my phone book. I'll feel just awful if they called people in my phone book.
  

...I could go on. I was trying so hard to stay upbeat and cool about it. Thinking maybe someone turned it in. MAYBE the person "found it" used it to make a couple personal calls then turned it in. No. Not at all. Its not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. But now we've gotta get me a new phone. Our "upgrade" is supposed to be *next month*. T-mobile is cool enough that they're letting us get it a month earlier (they should be, we've been with them nearly 5 years!). BUT, we were saving our money to get "cool" phones mid-next month. I'm supposed to be paying off a debt that I HAVE to get rid of this month -next week to be exact - which is all the money we would be pouring into these phones.

Seriously. What next? It seems like things can't run smoothly ever. Not for more than a day. A few un-crazy months, please. That's all I ask. hahaha.