Brutally Honest

I'm going to be brutally honest, like it or not, ready or not - here it comes:

I'm Homesick.

Not for my parents' home. For MY home. It doesn't matter what home, just MY home. A building of MY own (or rented!) that I don't share with anyone but my Man and my Munchkin (and dog). Where I bake cookies and leave things a mess.

I know, I know - I know why we moved here. I know that if we didn't move here we'd have had to anyway because we wouldn't have been able to make Rent for the next month and we wouldn't have been able to pay for a new car and we wouldn't be able to send Kenny to school and we wouldn't be able to even buy the Growing Baby the clothes she needs and we wouldn't be able to...........................

I know that I had equal parts in the decision. NO - I am NOT regretting our decision at all. It is still the best move for us. It's still the best thing.

Written down on Paper (or "Paper") it is perfectly logical. The best thing. I know in my heart and mind that this is the best thing.

I want MY home, though. Where much like we brought Rylee to from the hospital

Where, much like Rylee enjoyed her first Christmas at 1 week old

and later her 2nd Christmas

I want my own place where Rylee gets to experience new things - with us. Just the 3 of us.

Like Playing in the Snow for the first time. 

I miss these times from her infancy:

I want to experience more of those memories - at our own place.

No, I am not unhappy here, in that sense. I love my In-Laws. They are wonderful and things are going SO well.

We met with the counselor at the college last week and realized some harsh truths about the schooling. Ones I already had in the back of my head but didn't want to face. Possibilities of Kenny going to work part time elsewhere and all sorts of other craziness I will not go into detail about at this time.

I love my husband, and I love our life together. I love that he finally wants to go back to school. I love that he has such a drive and passion for it now. I 100% support him in his endeavors to live a 'better' life than the currant one. I am glad that we have made this decision - in the long run.

In the long run a 'real' house is in the mix. In the long run a good paying job is in the mix - and one that he Wants to do. In the long run - everything will be just wonderful.

In the here and now, in the moment, I miss my own house (apartment).

I have found myself becoming upset within me when Rylee says a new word or does something new and the rest of the family hears/sees it first - and I don't. That's why I don't work at a job I can't bring her with me to - I get to experience it all. ...or, I used to. I don't want them to just stop telling me when she does something new either. It just saddens me that I'm not 'the only one' generally with her during the days any more. I relish that time we had together like that.

I am so thankful that I did take almost her first year off and simply enjoyed every bit of it. I knew that things would change - she would grow too quickly and we'd be in different situations in the future. Little did I know this would be that different situation. Thinking about it - it seems this is harder now after we had been looking and looking and looking at houses to actually buy.

I miss being just a moments drive from my family. Now I have to schedule when I can go over, because gas is just too much to jaunt here and there whenever.

Frankly, I can't believe how much harder this move has been on me than I thought it would be.

Like I said, it's still okay. It's still the best thing. It's still where the Lord wants us. It's still right.

I want instant gratification and don't want to go through the 2+ year  waiting period until my innermost desires are granted. We don't even know what will happen after Kenny graduates - or while he's in school! It's all tentative. It's all walking in faith and trusting that this really is the right thing to do.

Today/Tonight, I'm having a hard time with it. I miss MY stuff, MY place MINE MINE MINE! Heehee! I'm so selfish. Who knows? Maybe this is a lesson for me to learn not to be so selfish and be more selfless?

Whatever the case. That's how I feel - being Brutally Honest - tonight.

Diaper Rash, and everything else.

Rylee has had diaper rash for a month and a half now. We've changed the brand of diaper we use (we even did cloth at one point and loved it until Rylee's butt proved too sensitive for that, which was a bummer), the type of baby wipe, slathering her butt in Desitin Paste, A&D, Cortizone 10. Yeast infection cream - per doctors orders. Letting her run free and loose as the happiest naked baby for an hour+. Gotten prescription meds. Seen the doctor for it twice. 

Still, the danged rash persists.

The final 'straw' was pulled today when I was changing her diaper, as normal, she started sobbing in pain and I came to see that she was actually bleeding in a couple spots from the sores on her butt! I called the doctor right away after slathering her more with ointments to at least relieve the pain. We got an appointment for first thing tomorrow. I want this cleared up! I want them to tell me I'm doing something very wrong, or she's got an uber sensitive butt and I need to do other things, or that she's got something else that's making her 'sick'!

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I'm now in the process of trying to figure out where we'll store everything that we won't be bringing directly with us and won't 'need' for the next year or two. 

I applied for financial aid tonight, we'll see how that goes. I'd love to be able to take at least a year of schooling in Graphic Design and Photography. 

I still can't believe how much is going to change in the next month for us. I haven't even started sorting through ANYTHING! ...mostly I'm waiting for our tax return so we can get plastic containers to store our crap in for who knows how long. After that happens, (hopefully tomorrow!) I'll be in the full swing of the life that is moving.

For now, I gotta get off of here so I can make sure I get Rylee to her appointment on time tomorrow!

The Scoop:

Most of you know Kenny and I were looking at houses all winter when we realized it was actually a possibility for us. There were a lot of great houses, a lot of options.

Shortly before we started looking at houses we found out that Kenny's job will pay for schooling up to 9 credits a quarter/semester and he only has a little more than 2 years left for his BA in Computer Science. (Catch is we have to pay for the tuition up front then they reimburse us)

After deciding it would just be foolish not to take advantage of such a sweet perk from his job we started getting ready to send him back to school this fall. Coming to terms with the fact that a house would have to wait. We didn't want to be strapped for cash anymore than we already are. heehee.

We searched for a new place to live that would save us money for all the gas that will be spent driving out to the College (it's a good hour drive) all the time, and the potential loss of work hours, all we came up with were places that just weren't suited to living with a young toddler.

We knew both My parents and Kenny's parents would graciously open their homes to us should we need it. My parents' house is a bit full these days and about to get a little more full with the addition of a new grandbaby any time now. So, if we were to go to one or the other, it would be Kenny's parents.

At first we didn't explore that train of thought too much. We've been married near 3 years and haven't even considered moving in with parents unless we were sometime in dire need. It was honestly a bit of a pride issue for me. I like my stuff my house "mine mine mine" heehee.

Upon realization that housing is just too expensive to handle with school, baby, loss of work hours............ we explored the idea of moving in with our Parents a little more. The more we talked about it, the more we thought about it, the more we prayed about it - the more it made sense.

As Kenny and I were talking I thought we would just take over his sisters old room, it'd be a really small for the 3 of us, but I thought we could manage okay. I didn't realize he was talking about his mom's sewing room!!

The poor woman! With only one kid left at home these days she had just turned that room that was once the craft/school room completely into her craft room. She was in heaven. Happy to go down and just sit in that room just to sit, because it was her craft room.

Kenny was adamant that her craft room would be the best room for us to move into, the most 'room' for the 3 of us if we were to move in, if they were really okay with us 'coming back.'

So, we drove on out and laid our request before them. They were beyond gracious, even though Doreen would lose her beloved craft room. I couldn't believe she was actually as accepting as she was. ...I mean, I believed it, she's totally awesome like that. Yet, it's her room and she loves it. It's an amazing sacrifice for her, and I am SO grateful!

So, through the next few weeks we'll be helping get their house rearranged and moving out of our cute little apartment into a cute little room with our parents! It'll be a wonderful adventure! Allowing Kenny to go to school, and quite possibly, I might get my chance to go to school as well.

It feels so surreal. I can't believe we're actually going to do this. It's gotta be one of the craziest things we have done! It is going to be great, though. I'm excited for the next year, possibly couple years. So, here we go!