I can't help myself...

Thanks to my wonderful family I have a new addiction.

Photo Props.

I asked for props and gave examples of little things to get me for Christmas. Well, my family came through and I got props! ...Which sparked my almost inability to hold back now. I was good for about 3 weeks after Christmas. I played with my new ones as much as a person can when it's subzero and snowy outside and no one wants pictures out in that weather. 

Theeeen I started going back to thrift stores. I've scored some seriously adorable things and that has just fed into my addiction. 

My sister-in-law is knitting me some awesome props for newborn sessions I've got coming up. 

I fear  etsy may actually become a dangerous place for me too. Thus far I've only ever bought 1 or 2 things from there. But there are SO many adorable photo props available to me that I don't think I'll be able to contain myself much longer. ...I might need to go to an A.A. meeting for photographers ...or something like that.  Heehee. 

But seriously. I can't help myself and my daughter is also helping feed this problem by producing delicious almost edible pictures like this:

:::SIGH::::

Follow me as you enter...

::::::::THE TODDLER-ZONE::::::::

(Twilight Zone music)

Yep, we have definitely entered into The Toddler-Zone. 

It is so much fun, it really is. We're watching her become a real person. She's playing "pretend" all the time now. Pretending she's cooking things on her kitchen stove, in her play microwave making "Beep"ing noises when pushing the pretend buttons.

She pretends to talk to her Aunts on the phone. 

Pretends to feed her numerous baby-dolls bottles, makes them go "nigh-night," says "Baby woke up!" or "Baby hungry too!!" when it's time for breakfast. 

She's talking and repeating everything. EVERYTHING. It's totally adorable and I'm thankful we haven't had to do any speech correcting (i.e. "No, Sweetie, that's not a nice word").  

Rylee talks about herself in the 3rd person. It's the funniest thing. I think it's largely due to us always saying (almost from the day she was born) "Is Rylee hungry?" "Hi Rylee!" "What's Rylee doing?" "Is Rylee Pretty?" ...and so on. Getting her to make the association with her name as soon as possible. 

Anyway, it gets really funny when she starts really chatting. "Rylee hungry, Mama. Rylee eat soon?"  "Buh Bye soon?? Rylee coming too???" 

She's also REALLY polite! It's so adorable! When I give her a meal in her high-chair she says "THANK you, Mama!!!" (Or Papa). She says "You're welcome" after we tell her 'Thank You.'

---Back to The Toddler-Zone. 

Oh boy. Can we say GIRL? Cause she is awesomely manipulative. She has also gotten quite demanding for whatever it is that she is wanting at the moment. We tell her "Rylee, you need to say 'Please'" and she'll get all smiley and say "YEAH!" as in: "Yeah, Mama, 'Please' - you just said it for me." She does it all with a smile so that makes it "Okay" in her mind. 

"Please."

That is a whole different struggle. She does NOT want to say "Please." It's seriously like we're asking her to go live with a different family. 

She gets her strong-willed personality honestly from both of her parents. So it makes for an interesting fight. It's not that she doesn't understand what we're asking her to do. She completely does. It's an outright defiant act. 

Asking for her Pacifier in a screaming and demanding manner earns her a "Say Please and settle down a little bit, then you can have it." She will instantly calm down, cross her arms in front of her chest, tilt her head up, and walk away. 

Rylee LOVES her pacifier. But when told she needs to say please for it will go ALL DAY, without it until she finally says it at some random point in the evening quietly and timidly. 

Tonight - she was coloring in her coloring books. All fine and well - then I realize that she's coloring on a table, a toy and the tried to color on some adorable wooden blocks I bought a couple days ago. So, we have the "Paper Only" discussion, again. A few minutes later I hear quiet giggling over in the corner. I quietly got up and walked over to see what she was doing... coloring on her baby doll's head. 

"Rylee, is that paper?"

...silence...

:::Meltdown:::

Ooooooh, Yes. We have definitely entered into The Toddler-Zone. That time in you and your child(ren)s life where everything is SO cute and adorable, and so challenging all at once.

WOW!

I've been away for so long! 2 months since my last post, I've got so much catching up to do!

I've taken a serious social networking break, partly out of necessity because of how extremely busy I've been. But also because I've been burned out, and then there is the endless family drama that a soap opera couldn't handle!

Of course I have been on facebook, but then if I wasn't on there I wouldn't be up on all the drama that is my family. Haha.

Kenny finished his 1st quarter of school last week!!!! .................

..............................................Only ***6*** more to go.

If all goes well he'll be finishing fall quarter of 2012.

2 more years. 2 more years. 2 more years. 2 more years. 2 more years. 2 more years.

 Okay, on with the recap. Rylee is TWO next Friday! We're having a little family party, nothing huge, she's got plenty of years to care about big parties, but for now she's mine and she doesn't care, so we'll have a little party. 

I've been busy with photographing families, babies, weddings, couples... whatever. It's been awesome and the funnest thing I've ever done. I love it. 

Rylee is talking all the time these days. The love of her life (other than me) is Thomas the Tank Engine. So, you can guess what we're doing for her birthday.

We are officially on a 2 week vacation starting this Thursday. I'm pretty excited. "Real" paychecks again is going to be awesome! ...isn't that funny? Kenny has to take 2 weeks of paid vacation in order for us to get 'real'/'normal' paychecks. Well, I think think it's funny. 

Anyways, I'll be back to posting more normally for the next couple weeks, at least. Some serious down-time is in my future and I am SO SO SO excited!!!

And here is a picture of my growing girl to leave you with:

Still Waiting

Well, I put in all the information for my new pump to Animas last week. After playing phone tag back and forth with the pump rep we finally got a few thing hammered out. It seems that although my current insurance company didn't pay for my original insulin pump AND my coverage says that it's covered as long as I pay the deductible and 20% of the total cost - they are still being hesitant to completely approve it.

I had to fax them 30 days of blood sugar logs (do you know how annoying that is? I HATE, and I mean HATE - absolutely Detest logging, I could barely keep it up while I was pregnant). Animas called me back later to "confirm" that my current pump is malfunctioning - before the insurance company would approve it. - it is, it's definitely falling apart. I should post pictures of my poor sad pump, maybe I will try to tomorrow.

So, as of last Wednesday all we were waiting on was the prescription from my doctor and final insurance company approval before they could finalize the whole thing. Gr. That's about all I have to say about that. It's really irritating to me. I can be a very patient person, but I would really like my new pump now. My current pump is falling apart, I question how much longer it will last me in its present state. Also, I HATE - absolutely HATE the infusion sets I'm being forced to use through my prescription plan.

I think they are a huge cause of why I've been able to get sick so easily these days. These infusion sets fail so much faster than my old ones. They are about 20 inches too long, so they get caught on EVERYTHING. I have found holes in my tubing more times than I can count with this brand. All in all I am beyond fed up. - Why is this part of getting a new pump? Well, once I meet my deductible I can get the infusion sets that I like (or that I KNOW will actually work) via the Durable Medical Equipment clause and end up paying just a couple bucks more than the prescription plan.

Kenny and I've both decided it's worth the couple extra dollars to not constantly have failed infusion set sites.

So, I'm sick of waiting now. I've been "good" and not plagued Animas with phone calls just to see where we're at in the process, but I think I might tomorrow. Heehee.

In the mean time, I'm alive and well. My little episode last week didn't linger on past Thursday. I've been catching up on my house work and errands that got seriously set back from my 2 days down and out cold.

Rylee has had a major growth spurt and is seriously taller than most of the children her age that we regularly see. I wish she'd quit growing. I miss my little infant child.

Aaaaand to finish this all off - Kenny goes back to school in a month! It's going to be an epic year, that's for sure!

No I have not!

Not been ignoring my blog, that is.

Okay, maybe I have been a little preoccupied.

The last couple weekends it has been one thing to the next, and it won't stop for the next month or so.

Last weekend,  I had the insane time pleasure of making a cake for a dear old friend of mine. After much turmoil (like dropping an entire layer on the ground) and then Rylee beating the crap out of a corner with my rolling pin (why no, I wasn't so mad I threw the rolling pin on the ground after ripping it out of her hands). After all that - it was actually a beautiful cake!

That same weekend I did a photoshoot for a really sweet family of girls. Quite energetic and full of life.  We had a blast. ....however I will not be quadruple booking myself for things like that again. I was supposed to be at a wedding while I was finishing up the cake and I know there was something else that I was supposed to do that also ended up not happening.

It's been a fun week. We had our first 'no-show' for a photography session. It's okay, I really don't mind, I'm sure she forgot with the kiddos - and I failed to give her a reminder call the day before. I'm learning as I go. I now know I'll be upgrading parts in my computer to be able to better handle the volume of photos I've been taking recently. I'm learning to keep better records of appointments, making reminder calls/emails, how many photos per session is actually realistic, and what kind of pricing is the 'right' one.

Rylee gashed her head open yesterday - falling down a couple stairs. A pretty darn good cut, if I do say so! I didn't do anything for it right away except stop the bleeding and bandage her head. Head wounds bleed - A Lot - I know that. So I wasn't concerned. It wasn't until about 4 hours later that I was finally able to get a good look at the cut in between bleedings and decided to take the trip to urgent care to see about a stitch or two.

She's got such a good memory it's amazing. At her 12 month check-up she remembered getting shots at 9 months. At her 15 month check-up she really remembered and the entire appointment was filled with screaming because she was afraid of the doctors. Everything since then has been the same way - if I go to the doctor - she screams, if Kenny goes - she screams.

As soon as that stethoscope touched her chest the screams came. They didn't stop until we were back in the car. The doctor (who was a very sweet woman) initially wanted to put a stitch in it but Rylee was screaming so much just seeing the doctor she thought that 'gluing' it would be more appropriate. I thought that would be best too - it really just needed help to stop bleeding. So that's what they did and all is well again.

She's a trooper. It did break my heart when (shortly after it happened) she was pointing to her head and whimpering in the saddest most pathetic way I've ever heard. I pulled over at the most convenient store and quickly bought her some tylenol and other goodies.  It makes me sad to see my baby hurt like that. To see the saddest tear-filled eyes look at me and just say "mama fix it, it hurts" without saying any real words. My baby shouldn't hurt like that. Yet, it's really just the beginning. So come the toddler years of pain.

Anyways. I'm trying to get back to regular blogging again, I promise.

Father's Day Fun!

Fathers Day got off to a great start - on Saturday! 

Saturday was an Annual Canoe race thing in town. My Father-in-law and Brother-in-law raced in a Canoe, 

 

While my Husband and Dad raced in a Kayak.

The excitement of the day started bright and early, figuring out how to get 2 canoes/boats/kayak - things strapped to the truck. Making sure there were life vests, whistles and oars. Getting everything ready for a day at the park after the boating festivities. 

After much rushing around we were finally ready to leave - everyone else piled in my Father-in-laws truck and I got Rylee and buckled into my car (not wanting to hassle with moving carseats around and making sure there was enough room, I decided to take my own car).

They pull out and I follow them. Suddenly the truck pulls over and I'm also getting a call on my cell phone from my Husband. I'm thinking that something must be wrong in the truck or the canoes need readjusting- not...

That we had left my husband behind at the house!!!

I felt terrible. Poor guy! 

Fast-forward and we made it to the fun, and everyone seemed to have a great time!

(Yes, she knows she's cool!)

Kenny and my Dad got 1st in their division (we'll not say that they were the only ones in their division) and My father & brother-in-law got 2nd in their division. Everyone won prizes in the raffle drawing!

Rylee tried to be as helpful as possible.

She loved watching her Papa play video games on Fathers Day (Sunday).

And I LOVE this goofy picture of her increasingly toothy smile!!

Father's Day, both days, was awesome.

Fat Lips and Summer

Summer seems to have made a brief appearance the last few days. I'm hoping it'll show up slightly more often. Saturday and Sunday felt like a heat wave tipping the thermostats at just a bit over 80º degrees. A nice, though stark, change from the 50-60º degrees with rain and wind the last month.

I had bought Rylee a really cute blow-up wading pool a month ago and on that very day it got nasty- and has stayed that way since.

So I got out that pool yesterday (Pictures of that to come later)! Determined to make some use of it through this so far drizzle-y summer.

Of course while we're out playing with the pool Rylee decided to give her self her first real genuine fat-lip. She's had minor ones in the past - but not a real good one.

Looking at it today it almost looks worse than yesterday. She's got a scrape from the right side of her nose down to her lip and Her lip is all visibly  cut up. Poor kiddo.

She's been a good sport and a real trooper. Of course that 'good sport' and 'real trooper' only pertains to the fat lip. She's still teething and still grumpy. She was in the weirdest mood today - throwing random fits for reasons I cannot explain at all. So, I assume it's because of teething. - I can't wait to be out of this part of her development. Heehee.

Defiance

My sweet sweet baby girl is growing up. Just a week shy of 18 months, finally starting to mimic a few words instead of just "Eh! Eh! Eh!"  She's incredibly smart and a problem solver. She's known how get passed the screen lock on my iPod touch for months now. She opens up the music and flips through all the albums until she finds a very specific one - then continues to flip through the songs until she finds the very specific song she wants to listen to.

Tonight my Baby displayed quite the act of open defiance. I haven't seen one quite this bad from her thus far (though a few have come close).

We had such a pleasant evening. A nice dinner followed by quite the long walk/hike (can I just say I LOVE my Mei Tai!) with the entire family, in laws and all. Upon getting back to the house I let Rylee down to run around the yard while Kenny drove his RC Truck up and down the street.

Rylee knows better than to run out in the street. I taught her this awhile back, I don't want her getting too excited one time and running out in front of a car - no matter where we are at.

So, she stands at the edge of the driveway, next to her Papa, watching his car go up and down the street. She accidentally dropped her pacifier and it went into the street. Rylee points and beseeches that we get it for her so she doesn't go into the street. We applaud her for being such a good girl, and waiting for us to get her pacifier for her.

She runs and plays. Gets in and out of her little red (soaking wet from rain) car. Runs around the yard. Stops, watches the car go back and forth and jump off the curb. Continues on her way running around and getting in and out of her little red car.

Then

She wanted to run out in the street. Staying in the yard/driveway was no longer good enough.

Rylee ran and stopped about 3 feet from the street. Turned. Looked at me. She took her pacifier out of her mouth and tossed it down - while looking at me. Upon seeing that it did not go into the street she looked back at me, then kicked it. "Darn, still not in the street" She looks back at me, and again kicks it closer to the street. Not close enough still, she kicks it finally into the street after looking at me before she does the act.

Now in the street Rylee expects us to let her get it.

As I stood there next to her informing her that it's in the street now and she cannot have it back - Kenny took his RC Truck, drove it up close, and ran over it! Then he did it again! Oh the look of horror on my daughters face, it was priceless.

Then he carefully drove his Truck over top of the coveted pacifier, hiding it from site. Rylee became distraught, trying to bend any way she could to see it so we could get it for her.

I bent down, looked at her in the eye and told her She kicked it into the street and couldn't have it back right now. I grabbed her hand and together we walked inside the house. No fit, no screaming and crying, just submission.

It always shocks me to see such defiance out of my sweet little baby girl. I don't think I would expect anything less out of her, though. She is after all, human. She is also My daughter - and Kenny's. We're both strong willed idiots. Why wouldn't our daughter be as well? I think it helps me to see little bits of insight into her mind and deeper personality. So I can prepare myself for a much longer battle than the momentary ones. So I can, hopefully, handle it with grace - having prepared myself for those moments.

I love my Daughter and I love being a Mom - Even in the Defiant moments.

Brutally Honest

I'm going to be brutally honest, like it or not, ready or not - here it comes:

I'm Homesick.

Not for my parents' home. For MY home. It doesn't matter what home, just MY home. A building of MY own (or rented!) that I don't share with anyone but my Man and my Munchkin (and dog). Where I bake cookies and leave things a mess.

I know, I know - I know why we moved here. I know that if we didn't move here we'd have had to anyway because we wouldn't have been able to make Rent for the next month and we wouldn't have been able to pay for a new car and we wouldn't be able to send Kenny to school and we wouldn't be able to even buy the Growing Baby the clothes she needs and we wouldn't be able to...........................

I know that I had equal parts in the decision. NO - I am NOT regretting our decision at all. It is still the best move for us. It's still the best thing.

Written down on Paper (or "Paper") it is perfectly logical. The best thing. I know in my heart and mind that this is the best thing.

I want MY home, though. Where much like we brought Rylee to from the hospital

Where, much like Rylee enjoyed her first Christmas at 1 week old

and later her 2nd Christmas

I want my own place where Rylee gets to experience new things - with us. Just the 3 of us.

Like Playing in the Snow for the first time. 

I miss these times from her infancy:

I want to experience more of those memories - at our own place.

No, I am not unhappy here, in that sense. I love my In-Laws. They are wonderful and things are going SO well.

We met with the counselor at the college last week and realized some harsh truths about the schooling. Ones I already had in the back of my head but didn't want to face. Possibilities of Kenny going to work part time elsewhere and all sorts of other craziness I will not go into detail about at this time.

I love my husband, and I love our life together. I love that he finally wants to go back to school. I love that he has such a drive and passion for it now. I 100% support him in his endeavors to live a 'better' life than the currant one. I am glad that we have made this decision - in the long run.

In the long run a 'real' house is in the mix. In the long run a good paying job is in the mix - and one that he Wants to do. In the long run - everything will be just wonderful.

In the here and now, in the moment, I miss my own house (apartment).

I have found myself becoming upset within me when Rylee says a new word or does something new and the rest of the family hears/sees it first - and I don't. That's why I don't work at a job I can't bring her with me to - I get to experience it all. ...or, I used to. I don't want them to just stop telling me when she does something new either. It just saddens me that I'm not 'the only one' generally with her during the days any more. I relish that time we had together like that.

I am so thankful that I did take almost her first year off and simply enjoyed every bit of it. I knew that things would change - she would grow too quickly and we'd be in different situations in the future. Little did I know this would be that different situation. Thinking about it - it seems this is harder now after we had been looking and looking and looking at houses to actually buy.

I miss being just a moments drive from my family. Now I have to schedule when I can go over, because gas is just too much to jaunt here and there whenever.

Frankly, I can't believe how much harder this move has been on me than I thought it would be.

Like I said, it's still okay. It's still the best thing. It's still where the Lord wants us. It's still right.

I want instant gratification and don't want to go through the 2+ year  waiting period until my innermost desires are granted. We don't even know what will happen after Kenny graduates - or while he's in school! It's all tentative. It's all walking in faith and trusting that this really is the right thing to do.

Today/Tonight, I'm having a hard time with it. I miss MY stuff, MY place MINE MINE MINE! Heehee! I'm so selfish. Who knows? Maybe this is a lesson for me to learn not to be so selfish and be more selfless?

Whatever the case. That's how I feel - being Brutally Honest - tonight.

2 years for my Angels

The past few days have been a little bittersweet for me.

It was 2 years ago yesterday that our Twins would have been "due." We all know that "Due Dates" really don't mean a lot for when babies will actually be born, but it was the date.

We weren't ready for children, so we thought. We were just married, only 4 months before we found out that I was pregnant.

In honesty, when I first found out I cried. I thought "my life is over." We were both going to go to school and had so many other plans - a child just wasn't in that plan yet, in my mind. Kenny was sweet and supportive, although it wasn't in our plans he was excited to be a Dad (or 'Papa' as we later decided).

Being Diabetic and not planning that pregnancy I knew that I was in bad shape. I got into the doctor has fast as I could, it still took 2 weeks and my best guess was that I was at least 8 weeks along already.

I went to that first appointment alone. The initial stuff was boring - family history and all. Then after figuring out I could very well be 12 weeks along after the doctor said I had a "good sized uterus" they used a "Doppler" to hopefully hear the baby's heartbeat in the exam room without an ultrasound.

Upon not finding it they just assumed the baby was hiding or I wasn't as far along as they thought they sent me down for blood work than back for an Ultrasound in a couple hours.

I was excited. I had a couple weeks to pour over every article I could on the internet in that amount of time. I was getting used to the idea of having a baby. I was already attached, although I told myself not to be, I didn't know if it was really real.

Got into the ultrasound room, laid down on the chair. The really nice Ultrasound Technician plopped that gooey ooze onto my belly and started rubbing that wand around. I quickly spotted not one but TWO blobs on the screen. I didn't say anything but I was freaking out inside - "Twins!?" Really!? Am I seeing that there are Twins inside me!?"

After a lot of silence, a LOT of looking and looking and more looking, I had never been to one, no one ever told how they happen or anything, I had no idea what to expect. When she turned the screen off she looked at me and told me "I'm sorry, Hon. It looks like this is a pregnancy that just isn't going to work out." She turned the screen back on and tried to show me what I should see if the babies were alive.

I still didn't know what I should see at that point (though at my next ultrasound with little blob Rylee I immediately knew the difference), so I just nodded, asked if there were twins and tried to keep it together until I get the heck out of that office and call Kenny. I texted my best friend while sitting and waiting for the Doctor to come in and tell me what happens next, she offered to leave work right then and come be with me. I just wanted to be alone. I was supposed to go back to work, I wasn't going to. I didn't even want to call and explain why (Kenny was a dear and later did that for me).

Doctor H was really nice, he explained my options and told me why he thought which one was best for my circumstances. Considering I was carrying twins, should have been about 11 weeks along and they both died between 6 and 8 weeks it was unlikely I would be able to miscarry naturally - and if I did there would be so much bleeding I'd wind up in the hospital needing a transfusion. So a D&C was the best option and the one I chose. It was 2 days later.

The two days waiting for my D&C were agonizing. I went to work the day in between. I just wanted to get back on with my life. I wanted to do anything I could to keep my mind off of the dead babies in my belly. The babies we wanted, though unexpected. Kenny and I both longed for twins when we would someday have children.

The day of the D&C we were also already scheduled to go out of town for the weekend to a music conference with our Church Worship Team. I went ahead with that as well. I didn't care that I 'should be home and rest.' I needed to keep doing, keep going, keep moving with life. Our babies were no more, they were in heaven and I just didn't know what to do with my life. I didn't understand why I would never get to meet my babies in this life. I still don't fully understand, yet I wouldn't have my Rylee either, considering the timing of the events.

The following month was difficult. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life. Every time I found myself alone I cried. I longed for the babies I could never hold. The babies that would never touch my arms. The babies whose faces I would never see, cries I would never hear, skin I would never touch, lives I would never see unfold in front of me.

One day, while I was laying on the couch, silently sobbing with the tv on - hoping I would not bother Kenny - He got up and went to our bedroom and stayed there for a long time. Finally I went in and asked what was bothering him. He told me he couldn't handle all my tears and crying anymore. It hurt him too much to see me so upset. At that point I stopped. No more tears. No more crying. Nothing.

I missed my babies I only knew about for 3 weeks, loved like I didn't know I could in those 3 weeks, but they were no longer mine, they are with Jesus now and are his. I'll get to see them someday.

5 months later I would find out that we were expecting Rylee. Again, not in our plans. Apparently normal birth control pills aren't effective in my body! Still, the most beautiful blessing in our lives she has been.

I love her so much and am beyond thankful that I get to be her mother. I sometimes wish I could have her and her twin siblings all together here on this earth. I know it wasn't meant to be. I know that they are in a better place. I know that God knows why I wasn't allowed my first children. Perhaps he looked into their future and saw that it would be unsafe for them. Or maybe he knew my health at the time would cause problems for all of us in such a way that we'd all be adversely effected. I don't know. It took a bit to come to terms with and just say "I don't know why, but I accept it."

Rylee, our only child, at this point 'for good,' is the light of our lives. We love seeing her grow and blossom, and I think I enjoy it more than I would have - had I not gone through losing my other babies.

So, happy 2 years, my little angels. Mommy has shed a few tears tonight, missing you, loving you. Wishing and waiting for the day when the 5 of us can all be together in the presence of our Lord.

Zombie

I am tired, exhausted, sleepless, fatigued, weary - a Zombie.

I've mentioned before - Rylee hasn't been sleeping since we moved.

Case-in-point: Rylee played good and hard yesterday. She only had 1 nap, an hour and a half, early in the day. We thought for sure she'd sleep through the night considering she usually takes 2 naps per day about an hour each, or 1 nap 2-3 hours in length.

As she must always do things her way after she fell asleep at 9pm she proceeded to wake up not Once but 5 times before Midnight! That very same pattern she followed through the entire night. She wanted to get up and play.

Today, she only had One 20 minute nap in the car = bad nap. She fell asleep at 8:30pm and has been up several times now. At some point she has GOT to stop this. For her and my sake.

For me because I just want to be a sane person! For her because she needs me to be a sane Mommy. Not a short-tempered, easily frustrated - walking zombie.

I noticed awhile back that my insulin needs have steadily gone up over the last year - even when I was breastfeeding (not until after a good 9 months into it, though).

I've tried to figure out why. For breakfast this morning I had 2 pieces of toast and basically took a pregnancy rate of insulin for it at 1 unit per 5 grams of carbs - and still 4 hours after that my blood sugar only came down to 158. I have though maybe it's the birth control I'm on. Now I'm wondering if it has to do with my severe lack of sleep. The sleepless night have been like this for a very long time now. I'm just done.

So why am I still up now? Well, because I my stupid body clock is set for the wrong and stupd times. SO, I've just gotta try and retrain myself and hopefully break out of this.

Rylee, sweetheart, please let mama sleep through the night - more than one night would be so completely aweseom.

Thanks, sweety,

MamaBee.

A little bit crazy

I'm feeling a little bit crazy tonight.

I had every intention to follow through with Diabetes Blog Week but everything went crazy on me. Most of all Rylee got sick after a very awesomely fun birthday Party at Chuck E. Cheese  for her Cousins.

She ran the worst fever she's ever had for 3 days and I got no sleep.

My husband is about ready to get rid of my puppy. He grew up with Chihuahuas (I, on the other hand, did not have a single dog while growing up) and should have known before we committed to buying her that she would be a pain-in-the-rear to house break.

It started off with how she was disciplined in the first place - it wasn't the right style for her - and she got terrified of Kenny and it was a major set-back to the whole potty-training thing leading to submissive peeing.

So, I've been back peddling while trying to still make progress and coming up with new ways to help get through to her, figure out what disciplinary style will work for her.

I can't leave the house ever or pay sole attention to my child without *me* being in trouble because of the puppy. She's clearly not getting it.

So, back to the drawing table I go to figure out another way to get her trained. Starting with keeping her on a leash and with me at all times, any time she's not she'll be in a crate, which I'll (hopefully) score off craigslist.

She's gotten horridly fond of people food which irritates me to no end. Hopefully being in a crate when it's meal time will help with the peeing and pooping wherever too.

~~~~~~~~~~~

We turned Rylee's crib into a toddler bed tonight. I revamped that idea pretty quickly. I'm ready for her to start learning, she's ready to start learning.

However, being as how I've gotten so little sleep this weekend and she decided it was play time shortly after she'd fallen asleep it was quickly apparent  I couldn't handle it tonight. So, the crib bar went back on and I'm ensured another night of sleep (or... I hope I am anyway. She's not been sleeping well since we moved.). So, it'll probably work out that the crib bar is off during the day and she'll take naps there and get used to it in general but the bar goes back on at night for bed. Soon the bar will come off at night too. She's a quick learner so I'm sure it won't be too terribly long. ........I hope........

I'm so tired these days. Rylee really hasn't been sleeping since we moved. She gets up 3-10 times at night and screams. Since we're in the same room now I can't just let her cry back to sleep because Kenny has to work in the mornings and I don't want it to disrupt his sleep. There have only been a literal handful of times she's slept through the nights (meaning, only woke up once) in the last 2 months. 

Oh yeah, it's been two months now that we've lived here.

Between Rylee's illness this weekend and Kenny's allergies hitting him full force and making him completely useless/grumpy, I'm just done/frustrated/crazy.

Also, today is Rylee's 17 month Birthday on the 17th.

(can you tell I'm a little bit sleepless?)

 Kenny went to bed early. Rylee almost did but then decided she wanted to play more (Again, a problem with us being in the same room these days, I can't just let her play herself to sleep when she knows I'm sitting right there). Now I'm up too late cuddling with my dog that got shut outside the last 1/2 of the day because my Husband is fed-up with her.

Ah. Okay, cry of frustration is done.

Hopefully back to normal posts tomorrow.

A Day in the life... With Diabetes

Karen over at Bitter-Sweet had a great idea to do a Diabetes Blog Week. We all thought it would be a great idea and Karen says there are at least 95 blogs participating!!

Today's focus is A Day in the Life... With Diabetes So, here we go,

A Day in the life... Diabetic Mommy Style

Being a mom is one of the most wonderful things in the world, next to being Wife to the worlds best Husband.

It's been quite the learning experience to balance Diabetes with Baby starting with the day I found out I was pregnant. We weren't planning her, I didn't have control over my diabetes. I had just started to get my butt in gear, ironically enough, so I learning to keep my blood sugars strictly between the 80-120mg/dl range was difficult. Definitely worth it for the health of my baby girl.

Fast forward to having a nearly ***17 Month Old*** toddler (!!) it's another new world of Diabetes+Motherhood.

She's always on the move. I'm always chasing after her as she shrieks in delight. 

Between getting up in the morning and making breakfast and lunch for Hubby, Myself and Rylee - then getting on with my day which could include anything from grocery shopping, going to work 3 days a week, taking the munchkin to the park, house work, puppy training, making dinner, bath time.... and on and on - all the while making sure Rylee gets the love and attention and discipline she needs - the time to take care of myself and diabetes slips through the cracks all too easily.

Today, for instance,  I woke up with a low blood sugar at 61mg/dl - I had a hard time getting breakfast ready and was pleased Rylee stayed asleep for once.

I had a dentist appointment. Finally wrapping up the TONS of dental work I've needed done. I forgot my Mom is several States away this week due to my Great-Grandmother dying last week, she usually watches the munchkin for me. Last minute I remembered this and begged my wonderful mother in law to watch her for "a couple hours" for me.

That "couple hours" turned into 4 after having to treat a low blood sugar right after the appointment, dealing with the car-licensing (which is another post in itself!), and picking up another late mothers day present.

Miss Rylee was so happy to see me at home. We ate some lunch together (where I forget to test my blood sugar before hand) and read some books.

I'm trying so hard to get a handle on my Diabetes control these days, so I'm trying to incorporate her into it. We went for a run together, I'm jumping back into that Couch to 5k program again - it was a wonderful bit of exercise today and did wonders for my blood sugars! Stupidly I forgot to check my blood sugar before going for my run/walk/interval training and when I got back I was low at 61mg/dl.

No, I didn't bring my meter or back up sugar in the jogging stroller with me. Yes, I am that stupid. - Which is a huge issue for me that I need to resolve.

What would happen if I was to go low enough to pass out or just not be able to even move on the side of the road with Rylee buckled into the jogging stroller? I do bring my phone but if I'm low enough to pass out there isn't any point to the phone. - That's another thing - a medical i.d. bracelet. I have always been terrible at wearing one. Does anyone in the 'real world' wear those anymore? I really should have one "just in case" that worst case scenario does happen.

Anyhow, back to the day.

After we get back Rylee and I play around outside, then inside, then her Papa gets home and we help him clean out his work car. It was a little out-of-the-ordinary for a normal day but that's our 'normal' life. Every day is different. Nothing is ever set in stone and we're flexible to anything.

I had to leave shortly after that again - this time for Pilates. I LOVE Pilates! I feel so energized and awesome afterward. Before starting class I checked my blood sugar at was dismayed when I saw 71mg/dl pop up on the screen - especially when I realized that I also did not have any snacks to bring it up before starting my class. Disconnecting my pump I went ahead with the night, realizing I'd probably have to leave 1/2 way through.

Surprised and pleased I finished the class at 71mg/dl. It didn't budge one bit. First stop on the 30 minute drive back home was at Taco Bell for some good low fat, low grease food.

I've spent most of my day on the low side of the blood sugar realm. Which tends to be tricky when handling a toddler. My energy gets zapped and I don't feel like keeping up with my very active toddler, sometimes I get short tempered with her as she's screaming "ah!ah!ah!" at me for the 100th time. Yet, I still have to be a Mother. I still have to be a Wife. I am still Diabetic. There is no break from any of the 3. 

Some days are great. Some days are rough. Chasing after a toddler is awesome. I'm always busy and she is so full of life my days are wonderful, regardless of what happens in the diabetes realm. I love her, I love my husband - and because I love them I must incorporate diabetes into my every day. even when I am "too busy" or "forget." (...just another excuse for getting a CGMS...)

My baby girl is going to be a great adversary to me, as my husband is. 

Conundrums

A few months ago Rylee brought home a nasty stomach bug she decided to share with me and caused us both to be laid out flat for a week. She, of course, recovered quicker than I did so it was all I could do to keep her entertained and not be running to the bathroom to puke while Kenny was at work.

When I finally decided food would be awesome  the first thing I did was make myself homemade bread. It was YUMMY.

Then I got sick again. This has got to be the stomach bug from hell! I thought.

About a week later once I was feeling a little better again and I wanted nothing to do with bread a foreboding thought entered my mind: Celiac Disease.

I've known about it for years. When I was first diagnosed with Type 1 8 years ago there were very few websites for diabetics - especially for young diabetics. I spent tons of time on www.childrenwithdiabetes.com and there were a lot of things on that site about Celiac. So I learned just because I can and I love to learn anything medical.

I knew that being Type 1 was a risk factor for Celiac as it is also a Auto-Immune disease. As soon as that thought entered my head I then started thinking about all the other things that have been "going on" with me the past year and it all just fell into place.

As research addicts do, research I did. I found not only would I need a blood test to 'confirm' I would also need a biopsy of my small intestine to really know. ...So I've been putting it off. Still putting it off.

I hate co-pays. I know that the insurance companies deserve them, it's not a huge co-pay for the amount of 'costs' they cover. Yet, I hate them, so I avoid going into the doctor all the time.

So, there has been a tiny battle going on in my brain for the last couple months: Self diagnose and cut out gluten just to see, or bite the bullet and go in to the doctor? You have to have a minimum of 6 weeks of gluten in your system for the tests to reflect accurately. ...Self diagnose and cut out gluten just to see, or bite the bullet and go in to the doctor?

This week I've gone a couple days 'gluten free' and I've definitely noticed the difference.

With the recent event of my car blowing up I'm still not entirely sure what I'm going to do. I'd like to just have the diagnosis - because it's a huge lifestyle change and I'd love to not make it if that's not what the problem is. However that is a lot of money in co-pays that we won't have because of having to buy a new car.

I'm still debating this conundrum in my head even now. Maybe I'll have an answer in a few days! ...or maybe not...

My Baby Girl

My Baby Girl

Loves diving for her pacifier

Longs to play outside

Placates Mommy's need to take pictures every waking moment

She loves playing with my ipod

She is beautiful

I hope and pray I will be able to raise her so she knows that she is beautiful and no one will be able to convince her otherwise. 

She is my Sunshine

Spaceships and Cars

My lovely, loving, baby doll playing daughter wears pj's with space ships

She also plays with trucks and cars

Yeah, she's totally awesome like that.

Rylee, Sobie and New Adventures

I promised pictures earlier so here they are!

I thought this was so awesome, with her tongue sticking out

Don't you wish your belly could stick out like this, while having a curvy butt and thighs and still look this cute!?

Aaaaand we have our first diabetes mishap with the puppy.

She gnawed on my super long tubing that I can't keep tucked away properly no matter how hard I try. Oh well. It was actually really funny (or, I thought it was) and it forced me to change my site that was quite overdue. 

That's all I got.

A Husband Post

Being the absolutely wonderful guy he is, he tries to keep me always honest. So I have to let you all know that this picture

That I posted a few days ago when I was talking about the endless job of packing was not actually apart of the packing. Kenny took that box several weeks ago (when I wanted to throw it out) and started playing games with Rylee, as he's such a good Papa. He got her diving inside to retrieve toys and pacifiers out of it. Then he cut a hole as you see there, and she started putting things inside that hole - then trying to pull them back out. Or dive inside after the object that she dropped through the hole. It was a lot of work on Kenny's part to get her to do that.

Then he started putting it on her head. She hated it. Kenny tried to show her it was fun.

But she didn't want to do it at first. He finally got her liking it. She walked all around the house in it. Running into things and falling over - it was so freaking cute!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also.  In watching The Biggest Loser this evening Kenny decided that we should call it the "Fat Parade." I told him I might use that in the company of each other but not in mixed company. He asked "why? - I didn't have an answer. Then he asked why I wouldn't blog about it. So, here I am. Blogging about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally, my SO awesome Husband treated me like such a princess tonight! I was bored and going crazy needing to do stuff on my house but being 'stuck' in the process. We need to get boxes out of storage so I can start packing up our dishes. I need to put another coat of paint on several walls but have to wait for the current one to dry. - I don't like being stuck and feeling unproductive - and bored. 

He sent me out of the house to get my hair dyed and cut!! 

He took care of Rylee and put her to bed. I got a couple baby-free hours without anything else going on like a baby being born, bridal shower, painting.... just time for me!

I LOVE my new wonderfully ammonia-scented-dark-brown-with-slight-red-tones-hair-color!

The last time I dyed it was a few weeks before Rylee was born. It's been well over 14.5 months. My hair had grown out to its natural color and I was ready for a new one. Kenny pushed me into doing all of it.  I was just going to get a trim - as I'm also growing it out. The stylist was awesome and gave me a deal on the color and styled my hair a little bit more for me while keeping the length intact. 

Such a great night. I feel totally pampered and special. I love my Husband. He treats me so well!

Musician in the Making?

What do you think of this little musician in the making?

 

She was just so tickled when I put her up on Grandma's Piano Bench and let her plink away on those ivory keys!

She couldn't help but grin, then turn back and concentrate hard on what she was doing.

 

Don't you just love how her fingers so daintily touch the keys?

 

Yes, she just loved all that piano time.

 

 My little musician in the making.  

 

Unconventional Mom

We don't live on a daily schedule. The most the schedule we have is I get up every morning, get Kenny's work clothes, Make us both Breakfast, Make Kenny's lunch, Get a shower, Get Rylee up and fed and dressed. After that - Who Knows!? After that the day is open for whatever may come. Work, hanging around the house, running countless errands - or what will soon to be - packing/moving. And, at the end of the day she does best going to be from between 9-12, depending on the rest of the day.

I let her run and play all through the house.

I don't have child locks on my cabinets.

I let her play with old-school trains (the same one I had as a child myself!) that have the paint peeling off.

We let her drink as much as she wants through the day (when I breastfed she got the boob whenever she wanted it).

I let her climb on top of the baseboard heater and attempt to then climb on the kitchen chairs. The worst that'll happen will be a little fall and possibly bumping her chin/biting her tongue. I'd be right there and she'll be okay.

We laugh and and tell her it's funny and she's "okay" when she falls down (Unless, of course, she instantly starts crying). Consequently she really doesn't mind falling down, even when it's a 'hard' fall. She picks herself back up again, sometimes wants a hug, and keeps going.

We let her watch tv, play with the tv, push buttons, change the contrast, the settings, the channels.

I let her play with my iPod Touch.

She plays with my Cell phone. She's very good about it too because we've taught her "gentle" or "careful."

I let her pacifier fall on the floor - anywhere - and almost always give it right back to her.

I don't care that her juice bottle fell on the floor in Arby's - no that single momentary contact with the floor is not going to giver her the swine flu.

We delayed Vaccinations. Let her Jaundice clear up on it's own by taking her out for drives on the sunny days through the wintery week after she was born.

Didn't give her the flu shot and especially not the swine flu shot.

Yes, I let her play with pens. She is good with them, and has learned very quickly that you can draw with them, but only on paper.

I started 'disciplining' her as soon as she started crawling and actually understanding things. She is a very big girl and understands a lot.

I let her climb up on things all the time. I'm there when she falls, she learns not to do it again because it 'hurts' her. I let her play in boxes, play with old pop bottles, and other 'garbage' that won't do her any harm.

We joke around that Rylee never "had a chance" to not like love electronics. We've got almost 4 (Kenny's building the 4th one) computers between us, for work/school/personal purposes. We only have cell phones, no home phone. 4 ipods, 2 Nintendo DS's, a Wii................. so we are just teaching her moderation.

Times change and so do children and the things they grow up with. Our daughter is growing up in the age of technology. So, we focus on teaching her moderation. She absolutely loves being outside, and I also hope to nurture that much much more with our pending move.

I don't care when she feeds a dog and gets dog drool on her hands - then puts them in her mouth. I'll wash them if I can get to her right away - but I am not going to freak out about it in the slightest.

I also don't care if she is fussing and screaming through a grocery store. I will not do *everything* I can to stop her screaming. She will get disciplined for it in the store, and will learn that it is not okay behavior.

I bring her to work with me, and I let her run around. I let her play and climb and get into things - of course she is supervised and of course she never is allowed anything that will harm her. I love that she gets to grow up in similar work that I did. I hope that she will also learn a good work ethic eventually too. All we can do is provide her the right environment and tools for her to really learn these things. That's what we hope to do.

We let her play with other random electronics. USB cables, alarm clocks,  computer mice. Oh gosh, computer mice. She loves those darn things. Especially the laser mice - she loves picking them up and shining that light onto the desk when it's plugged in. She still likes clicking it when we unplug them - but it's not as cool as when that laser is there to play with.

Yes, I give her chocolate and other sweets. We do try and keep it to a minimum - but she does get those. They are good, we enjoy them, why shouldn't she? We know that she could develop a 'sweet tooth' but by keeping them from her we're just creating a much worse monster - rather than teaching her moderation in the long run.

I get looks and stares. I can tell when other women (and friends) talk behind my back about how they "can't believe I let my daughter do ____." But I can handle it. It's how I am.

I don't mind being a dork for my daughter. Dancing around like an idiot, making stupid noises, singing and playing and walking around in a sheet because she thinks it hilarious. - Whatever it is.

It's how I am. I don't buy into the new 'trends' in parenting these days. I don't buy into the crap that says tv makes children ADHD. I don't buy into all the hand sanitizing - kids have to be exposed to germs to be able to be immune to anything in the first place. Kids that are constantly washed and not able to build those immunities are sick more often.

I don't buy into the new 'thing' that says you can't tell your children "No" because it will mentally/emotionally damage them. I was told "no," I was grounded, I was ::gasp:: spanked! I appreciate it! I am who I am today because of how my parents raised me. I have 4 younger siblings and I appreciate being raised with all them too.

My daughter loves me, hugs me, rubs me, kisses me. Begs to be held, played with, given attention. She is a sweetheart and doesn't like it when she knows she's disappointed me and tries to make up for it.

I am an Unconventional Mom. I'm proud of it!