Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Life is a Beautiful thing.

When I found out I was pregnant a second time I couldn't believe it. I still remember how I was walking around wringing my hands in the air and saying "oh crap. oh crap. oh crap. this can't be happening. oh crap oh crap oh crap." - and repeat. I didn't think I could be pregnant, didn't think it was possible, I only tested to put it out of my mind as a possibility. Obviously I was wrong.

Through my pregnancy I tried SO hard to come to terms with becoming a mother. To the fact that there was a baby inside me. But no matter how hard I tried - it never came. Even when I could see her cute foot poking out of my stomach and I could see her limbs moving around inside me all day - it was SO cool. It didn't help me realize I was about to become a mother to a beautiful baby.

The day she was born I couldn't believe she was mine. I still have a hard time believing it. I'm sure you've got that impression from my previous posts. I hold this beautiful little girl in my arms and cannot believe she is mine. I am so full of love for her. I love how she smiles at me when she sees my face. I love how she smiles even bigger when I smile back at her.

She's growing so much already, I'm excited to see what God has in store for Kenny, Rylee and I.

A friend recently brought to my attention this family with a little boy named Stellen. He is very sick with a nasty heart condition that almost killed him while his mother was pregnant with him and is now sick with it now again. I've been following them very closely. What an amazing family. I have been praying for all of them very much and I am sure you will too.

As I read about this poor little boy who is a month older than my little girl I can't help but look at her and thank the Lord she is okay, and then just pray for this little boy. God is good and I know he has a plan in all this for that family.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

How could I be so fortunate?

My husband is the greatest.

I really just cannot properly put into words my love and adoration for this man. We've been through a lot together the last almost 5 years. I have been far far far from perfect - and tonight he says "I'm not a very lucky person, but when God was letting me pick my luckiness I stored it all up for my wife and got the best one there is." He is SO sweet!

Yes, he can be irritating - and yes, he does it on purpose more times than not. He can be a total dork - but I love him for that! He always means well. I think the amount of times I've gotten flowers from him I could count on one hand, but thats okay. He has bought me jewelry three times - a pair of earrings and my engagement ring and my wedding ring - and I love those 3 pieces of jewelry, and was quite heartbroken last summer when I lost an earring swimming!

He's such a great dad and so sweet to his daughter! I know she's got his heart around her finger, and mine too. I'm excited to see how our lives will continue to change and be molded as our years together will roll on. As we learn about our daughter and parenting. As our love for each other grows.

He is so good to me I don't know how the Lord could have allowed me such an amazing man! He makes me want to do better in everything! I want to be the best I can for him. Taking care of my Type 1 Diabetes riddled body, staying in the best shape I can for him, taking care of our finances as best as possible, being understanding and loving to him. Allowing him the little luxuries he wants is the least I can do to this man who is so kind and loving

He puts up with my silly antics and it takes a very special person to be able to handle that!
I'm so glad God picked us for eachother - we're too weird for anyone else!

Both totally love our stupid gadgets and "need" them. We have the same stupid and VERY twisted sense of humor most people don't get and just give the weirdest looks for. We have our own perspectives on parenting and life in general. I have yet to make him change a diaper of Rylee's - and every one seems to frown upon that. But really, I don't care that he doesn't do that! If I did I'd have forced it upon him a long time ago, and I wouldn't have as happy and willing a husband to help me with other things. Diapers are so trivial to me, I appreciate it more when he holds her for a few minutes to do other things or helps me clean up in other areas.

Yes, we love eachother, there is no doubt about that! I love so much this man God has put with me forever and ever!

Friday, March 27, 2009

A Mothers Addiction

They say the first step to recovery is to admit you have a problem. Well, I don't know if my problem is worth solving but I definitely have an addiction. Can you guess what it is?

Is it.... being in love with bright colors? Oh, probably.

Maybe its that I am guilty of being far too kind to my husband. Quite possibly that too.

Could be I love technology and gadgets more than I ought. Definitely a problem.

Its probably that I have over 30 hoodies/jackets in my possession and I was tempted to buy yet another one from Target tonight, and I'll probably go back for it.

It might be that every time I want to buy something for myself I always think about things I could buy for Kenny instead.

Yes, it very well could be any of those things and more. However tonight I believe that my addiction is taking pictures of my daughter. Yes, every chance I get there is yet another picture being snapped. Am I willing to give up this addiction? Over my dead camera I am! So, here's some of the results of my addiction:

Thursday, March 26, 2009

name change

For anyone who may follow this anymore - you may notice my name has changed. I am making an attempt at spreading my design wings and creating my own blogging website - which when I am done this site will forward over to. it'll be "beemusings.com" when it is finished. No promises on when yet, th0ugh! I'm finding out that it's a lot more complicated than I thought, haha!

So, hopefully I'll be able to get this going soon!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Spring is in the Air

After it has gotten flesh bitingly cold, the days have grown short and dark, and eventually they are filled with snow for weeks on end it starts to come back around.

The days start to become long again, it starts to warm up and allows you to not have a heater on 24/7 just to keep your house bearable. And then - the sun comes out and there is a brilliant blue sky.

I love all the seasons, yes, even summer. I say I hate it because my body doesn't deal well with the heat. But I love the variety they provide, even more than that, though, I love how they represent life.

Spring is a wonderful reminder to me of New Life, and a chance to start over, to start fresh. Winter is a seemingly long and difficult time in life - yet a necessary one. Summer is enjoyment of life. Fall, just a time to relax.

Spring is coming now and I LOVE it. It makes me feel so alive and ready to just go out and DO whatever may come my way. I get excited about everything and all the potential in life.

This spring is really a new season for me. This time I've got a baby girl to take care of. Its so exciting for me to watch her grow and change every day. She's always exhibiting some new behavior, this morning she was grabbing at this silly glow seahorse toy I bought for her and she was just happy as a clam to sit and look at it while I was taking a shower. This is quite an improvement from a month ago - didn't matter what I put with her I'd have about 5 minutes before she'd be fed up and need me to hold her again.

I love so much how sweet and loving babies are. Doesn't matter how much she was crying one moment - the next she looks at me with the most loving eyes I've seen.

I wish we could be more like that, more forgiving and love unconditionally all the time. We can't always understand why people do the things they do, and yet we get so mad at them and hate them without knowing anything. It's just sad to me, and yet I'm just as guilty of it as anyone.

I think this song sums it up well:

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

How do you answer that?

Being a new mother I find that I anytime I see someone I haven't seen since Rylee became a tangible being they immediately ask "How do you like being a mom?"

The answer is really more of the courtesy type answer, much like when someone asks "How've you been?" you 9 times out of 10 will say "I've been good, How are you?" just to side step getting into anything "deep" and to keep the conversation moving.

But how do you really answer that? I can't say "no", cause that isn't true - I love Rylee in a way I didn't know there was to love a person. But I also can't say "Yes! It's the most amazing thing ever and its what I've always wanted to be!" as that is also untrue. Honestly I expected to be going to school right now, still living in our old apartment and maybe starting to look for a house for just The Two of Us. I did not expect to be thinking of children for another 2-4 years. I especially didn't expect to find myself thinking about diapers, clothes, 2-4-6 month shots, how I'll be schooling her.... etc.

The entire time I was pregnant no matter how much research I did, no matter how much I talked about it I could not get my mind around the fact that the growth going on coming out of my midsection would actually yield a BABY! Now I hold my precious little girl in front of the mirror and think "How is this MINE!? How could God allow me to have something SO precious!?" I still don't know. But am honored that He deems me worthy of mothering this child.

It's a huge resposibility. One I did not expect to have for years to come. I did want to be a mom at *some* point. ...just when I was ready, and not before. haha, God knows me better - had it been left up to me I may have never been "ready."

My life has changed so much so quickly over the last 2 years I'm still trying to figure out where I am at. HANG ON! What just happened!? Can we rewind that and replay it? I didn't catch all that! Maybe God will give me a bit of a breather before things go haywire again, do you think? I certaintly hope so. But I know that God is in control and whatever happens he knows I can handle - even if I don't know it.

So, I still don't know how to answer that question. Being a mom is amazing, nothing I could have imagined, not what I wanted yet but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I still don't truely understand what "being a mom" means, I don't think - I think that comes with time, so ask me again in a year or 2 and I might be able to answer that then with some war stories.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

The ups aaaaaaand then the downs

Being Type 1 diabetic having good blood sugar control is VERY important to living. When I found out I was pregnant last year my control was terrible. I was just starting to try and get it back under control, but I wanted to do it at my own pace.

I guess God knew me better than that and sent a baby my way. Its amazing what one will do when another life is involved! I whipped my butt into shape right away and got it as under control as quickly as I possibly could. And I did a fantastic job! It was SO wearying and beyond frustrating at times, but my adorable little girl was so worth it.

Now, after having had such great control for so long when my blood sugars are out of control I feel SO terrible. This week pretty much took the cake for me.

After my blood sugars had been trending upwards for a couple days I messed around with my insulin pump so hopefully that'd make it work better. No dice. So I do that twice more and nothing helps - meanwhile my blood sugar is in the 400's and I just feel like crap. Finally I decide my insulin is bad and I go to the pharmacy to get some more. I put that in my insulin pump, then ate pizza for dinner (not the best idea!) after that my blood sugar is a LOVELY 595! ...turns out that part of my pump I've "fixed" three times now is STILL not working, so I did it again - this time it works. aaaaaand its shortly followed by several low blood sugars sending my body into a crazy state of "What the Heck is Going On!?!?"

A song that brings back many highschool memories sums the last few days up well for me:

Thursday, March 5, 2009

To my Mommy


This woman is amazing. I have no idea how she has done it!

Now having my own bundle of fun I am amazed beyond words at my mother.

I remember having her paint my fingernails to be pretty like hers. I loved going on walks to stores nearby our house with her and my baby brother and later my baby sister. She'd let me help her plant seeds in her garden and flowers in her flower pots. I got to help her make breakfast a lot - I loved that. Pulling a chair over to the kitchen counter and I'd do my best to be a help to her making pancakes (I was probably a lot more trouble than ANY help, but she never let me know it!). My mommy made most of her food from scratch, and it tasted so good!
I have not inherited that wonderful gene, fortunately my sister has!

I often sit and look at Rylee and LOVE her, and while I love her - I just cannot imagine being pregnant again AND parenting her. Then I think about how amazing my mother is - she did it **5** times! And wonder of wonders - I don't remember her ever neglecting us for another kid!

She always made sure we had something yummy to eat for all meals. She nearly always tried to cook us a good home made dish - I never appreciated that more than I do now. Its so wonderful. I love going home to eat some of her cooking. ...I need some of her fried chicken right now...

She was always there when I was sick. Stayed at the hospital with me when I was diagnosed with diabetes, and did her best to help me learn how to live with it and was very supportive.

She was fantastic helping me plan my wedding. She was supportive with whatever I wanted to do and offered advice when I needed it. - And she was a beautiful mother of the bride!

Now with my baby, I love that she's there for me to call on whenever I need to! She's gone through it 5 times and I know that she'll be able to at least lend me moral support when I need it!

I love my mommy. She's been amazing and loving. I know she wishes she could do more, but she's done so much for us already, I don't know how she could. Here's to an amazing woman!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

To my Dad

My Daddy:

As a little girl I remember having tea parties with my daddy, I had the most awesome sesame street tea set that turned purple when the dishes were hot or cold (I don't remember which now). He taught me how to tie shoes at 4 years old when I kept untieing his shoes over and over thinking it was hilarious.
Taught me how to ride a bike and make friends with people wherever we moved. He would sing a song to me most every night for bed, specifically "Take me in", it's little known I've found, but it is still just as amazing to me, if not more.

He tried SO hard to provide for his family. He worked as a salesman for a long time, I remember him going to Yakima so frequently that every time he left in the mornings I would cry to him "daddy I don't want you to go to Yakima!"
His business changed over the years, from the basement of a house we lived in, to several offices around town and as a little girl I spent countless hours with my little brother playing in these offices allowing our imaginations to run. He taught me the importance of a good work ethic.

We had fun, still have fun! Once we were rough housing and he picked me up and threw me, fully clothed with awana verses in hand into the bath tub where my little brother was having a lovely bubble bath. I've never been one to allow such thing to go... ...unpunished. The next day mom made fudge and I took one of those pieces of fudge, scooped a hole out of it, filled it with dish soap and then "sealed" it back up with the fudge pieces I scooped out. I then gave it to my dad to eat. Oh it was so funny. Aaaaaand it got me temporarily locked out of the house when I was running away from him! Haha!

My daddy has taught me how to love God. He has taught me A LOT about the bible and I have a very firm faith foundation because of him. I, like most kids, had my times where I was a troublesome case for parents. Certainly put him through a lot because of my own self-worth issues. Poor guy wanted to help but didn't know how to. He prayed for me, and that's what I needed. He is such a prayer warrior, I love him for it.

He's gone through his times. He hasn't always been perfect. But he has tried to. He has tried to raise his family and provide for his family best he could. I know he looks back to his past far too often and I think it keeps him from moving forward. He is full of could, shoulda, wouldas and I wish he would let such things go far quicker than he does. But it is because he tries so hard that he is full of doubts.

So full of desire to learn and get closer to our Lord and Savior. So full of love for his wife and family. I thank him for all he has tried to do for us and all he has taught me about life.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Oh the wonder!

In our new world of parenting things are always interesting!

When trying to mentally prepare myself for a baby I was remembering how my siblings were as infants - I remembered being spit-up on, puked on, cleaned up nasty messes, helping them learn to crawl and walk... All the joys.

Nothing really can prepare you for your own, though! Everyone says that, and all you can really do is just smile and laugh about it. But it's so true!

Today Kenny and I were working on our taxes together, he was eating the chicken nuggets I had just made him, and Rylee was laying on the couch next to him all happy and curious about the world. Kenny takes it upon himself to put the tiniest dab of Ketchup on Rylee's tongue. We look at her and her face kinda has this - "I don't think I like that" expression and then the next moment she starts crying the SADDEST cry ever! Oh so funny, and SO sad at the same time!

Just amazes me how much of a blank slate a baby is. SO impressionable, and so funny when they discover new things.


In other news I have been thinking a lot about my family recently and each day will be writing a tribute to one of them.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Adventures of Life

I love adventures and always have. As a little girl my mom read to me the Little House on the Prairie series, and all the adventures Laura Ingle had to tell about. My dad would read the bible to me, and I loved the stories of Daniel, Sampson, Moses and the Pharaoh, Ruth, Esther... When I was old enough to read I tried to read those stories myself.

I spent countless hours playing with my brother and the neighbor kids making up our own crazy adventures being lost kids in a jungle, or forest. Being FBI or whatever else came to our imaginations. One year for my birthday my Grandma bought me Nancy Drew and from then on out I was unable to put Nancy Drew or The Hardy Boys down and have read almost all of both series.

I continue to love to read such books. I still love adventure. But now I find it in my own every day life. Many years ago I encountered a horrible disease of my mind, the led to my body - being obsessed with my weight and how others perceived me. Even if others told me what they really thought, I thought they were lying and that I knew what they "really" thought. I had no desire to get out of that "adventure", I loved it and fed off it.

In the midst of that I met this cool guy and we became friends, I felt I could open up to him and tell him about this nasty mess I was stuck in - and how I loved being stuck in it. He was deteremined to show me how sick and wrong it was and to help me out of it. This was a new twist to my adventure - someone actually cared about the depth of it all and would talk to me about it more than "how are you doing?" - to which I would always lie about when people asked that.

Continuing on with that adventure I found myself in the hospital and could have died, ICU for days unconscious. Scared my parents to death, I am still so sorry for that. A month later forced back to the hospital again. I loved this adventure. I felt like I was accomplishing my goal. I was finally getting skinny enough that people would worry a little bit - I didn't really want them to be worried yet, though, I wasn't
that skinny. It wasn't part of my plan to be "found out" before I'd reached my Goal Weight.

That hospital stay I started dating that wonderful guy who came and visited me every day in the hospital and who I'd become great friends with over the summer. My adventure, which I now claimed a bit of a struggle, continued on. Finally semi wanting to get out of it and on with a different path in life. The next two years it would take to finally make a good amount of progress.

Two years later I would find myself being proposed to by this wonderful guy. I was amazed, a new adventure! But just like all adventures - I had residual effects from the previous one, still a struggle to be okay with myself and how others saw me. Still thought that I wasn't a very valuable person. But I was able to fake it well enough, enough to actually get it from being the forfront thought in my mind at all times.

The next year I was married to the love of my life.
Yet another great and wonderful adventure God had planned for me! I was thrilled to be spending the rest of my life with this man. I was SO excited to see what the new life brought us. ...much to my surprise and chagrin a few months after we were married I found out I was pregnant. I was SO upset. ...then the next set of news - I was pregnant with twins, Kenny had wanted twins SO badly, and I had also miscarried.

That wasn't exactly something I had wanted in my adventure. I was so depressed and upset about it all that I slipped back into the weight problem for a time. I quit one of the two jobs I was carrying and was not quite my normal self for awhile.

Finally pulling myself back out and becoming me we had a couple great months! Superbowl Sunday with friends and then Kenny's 21st birthday - it was a blast! Theeeeen it happened. I was yet again pregnant. How could this happen twice!? I didn't, understand.

God had me on another adventure. So we went with it, what else is there to do? Now, I am on that adventure, an even greater one than I have been previously. I've got this precious little girl to love and take care of. She relies soley on us for everything. I'm to raise her and honor my Lord Jesus in how I raise her and teach her. It's a frightening thing. But SO wonderful!

Everyday I see new things in her. Everyday I wonder what's next. And everyday I also see some little traight that my darling husband and I passed on to her that isn't one of our favorites. haha. Who ever said adventures were easy? None of the ones I loved to read were! They were all filled with countless moments of peril. Moments of lighthearted fun.

God has me on another adventure. That is how I look at life. It keeps me upbeat and able to keep going. Even in the rough times, and Especially in the good times.