Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Whistle While you Work!

Today has been SO full for me that now I feel a bit manic that I don't have as much to do now.

I went to one of my best friends' apartment (she lives a few doors down from us) yesterday and realized how awful mine has looked since we moved in. I think I mentioned before - DON'T move when you're 8 months pregnant!!!

SO, I got my butt in gear today and at long last - my apartment is pretty much set up right. Except of course my "dump room" that still needs much tlc. Since we don't go in there almost ever - I'm not too concerned about that right now.

I am SO happy. SO happy. SO SO SO happy. It's amazing how having a clean house make me feel productive and good about life. I really don't know what to do with myself now that I have been cleaning OCD style today. Yes, I took a toothbrush to my kitchen. I bleached my bathtub. I tore out our closet and reboxed and reorganized it. I tore out cabinets and reorganized those. I stopped in between to cuddle my clingy not-feeling-good daughter.

I made lunch and dinner and second dinner. I've done 4 loads of laundry. Put the other 3 loads that I already had done and threw on the floor away. I put old clothes in boxes and made space for the clothes I actually wear. I don't buy many clothes at all - I just keep everything I buy. Silly girl I am.

I cleaned up and put away Kenny's computer stuff that he had ALL OVER my kitchen table and the surrounding area - simply because I was sick of it and I didn't want to wait for him to "get around to it" tomorrow. I wanted it done NOW. So, I did it. I've vacuumed, and scrubbed my kitchen carpet. Yes, we've got industrial type carpet in our kitchen. It sucks.

I sorted my daughters baby clothes and put into a box or bag her clothes that she's grown out of and finally figured out what she does actually have. - I hate it when she misses out on wearing something because I didn't realize she had it before she grew too much to wear it.

Oh, and did I mention the poop I had to clean out of my tub this morning? The tub I had just scrubbed clean and bleached. I was very displeased. VERY displeased. Not only did she poop in the tub - she then grabbed one of the toys in there and started chewing on it. Gross. Gross. Gross.

All in all, I'm very pleased about the day. I'm working tomorrow and Munchkin will be coming with me. It'll be a lot of fun. Hopefully not as hot as it has been. We'll see, though. Hopefully she cooperates with me tomorrow. I love productive days. I think I need to go find something else to clean now.....

Monday, July 27, 2009

Oh Baby won't you be, My teddy bear!

Today my poor Munchkin had her 7 month shots. I've got her on a slightly delayed shot schedule and she seems to handle them pretty well. This round has hit her the worst, though. She's been SO grumpy and SO clingy today. Much out of the ordinary for how she has been recently.

She clocks in at a nice 15.5 pounds - 18th%ile, and 26.5 inches long - 48th %ile. Still nice and petite - but then - so are her parents. So she was pretty much destined to be that way. She still wears 3-6 months clothes quite comfortably. Infact - her VERY cute 6month sized shorts still fall off her skinny butt. Poor girl, I have that problem too - its real annoying. Fortunately for her its not a big concern yet.

She crawls allllll over the place these days. I love it. Of course, Kenny decided it was time to do his random computer reconfiguring. This means that my house becomes a disaster area - almost as though we had been broken into and someone was searching for something he couldn't find. Oh wait, that's pretty close to the truth. Every time this happens things go a bit like this:

"Bee, where is ____?"

"I don't know, hon, check ____ box."

"It's not in that one."

"Well, check the other box with the blue lid."

.....and so one until every box that doesn't even contain computer stuff has been drug out of its hiding place and its contents are everywhere. Normally this would not be a problem except that my house is a jungle of computer parts and pieces. This time, though, Munchkin HAD to be crawling and go for EVERYTHING that was not for her.

Such is the way of babies. Kenny just had to find this out first hand. I doubt he'll do this again all over the floor and will find another way. Oh well, he had to learn sometime.

She is constantly saying "mamamamama" alllll the time now too. I love it! It's SO cute and SO sweet. Especially adorable when she says it while she's crawling around looking for me in the kitchen or bathroom.

I have not had to put up the front bar of her crib before as she wasn't really mobile. It occured to me this week that I should start doing that as she pulls her self up standing now. I just got in the habit the last few days and two nights ago was reassured it was the right thing to do. I was VERY asleep - and even though her crib is in the same room as ours I didn't wake up instantly to her cries (I usually wake up at the slightest noise) and when I finally realized she was calling for me I got up and she was standing up in her crib against that rail. Had I not pulled it up she'd have gone right over the edge. Now it always goes up without a second thought! My kid is too smart for her own good!

She has also recently discovered this bear that my parents gave her the day she was born and loves it. Cuddles with it and laughs at it. I LOVE this, its too cute. A few hours ago I was playing with her and the teddy bear and started singing "Let me be, Your teddy bear". Kenny looked at me like I was the weirdest thing ever. Apparently he had not heard the song before! I grew up with a father who loved/loves Elvis and I'm pretty sure his mother also loved Elvis as well. SO, I had to go dig up a you tube video of it for him. Silly guy. ...ANYWAYS, Munchkin was just laughing and laughing the whole time I was singing it to her. I was a very happy person, and still am. It was great.

In other news - Baby Stellan is doing quite poorly. Keep him and his whole family involved much in your prayers. Likely he'll be getting another heart sugery done to hopefully get his fast heartbeat under control - but this could almost certainly cause the need for a pacemaker for the rest of his life. Obviously better than his current condition - but still quite less than ideal and still has its problems.

Monday, July 20, 2009


I've had to take a bit of a break the last week and a half. I'm doing better now than I was in my last woeful post.

I found some strings to pull and am on my way to having that major debt paid off in just a few months. Hopefully, now, we'll be able to get the credit card paid off and then pay for Kenny's tuition. I'm officially back working a few days a week again.

Rylee comes with me and she's doing better with me working. Except we were gone almost every day last week, so she was much grumpier and clingier than normal. We stayed home today and she is a happy and now sleeping girl.

She is so sweet, giving me the biggest grins whenever I looked at her. Its great. I love this stage she is in. I'm going to miss it a lot.

Kenny surprised me the other day with a new power cable for my laptop! It was SO sweet! I guess he had been stashing money away for nothing in particular, then while he was at work the other day the guy he was installing a security system for tipped him extra money. The sweet guy he is decided to get me a power cable instead of a game that he'd been wanting! He doesn't surprise me like that often at all. I love it.

Anyways, life goes on, we started going back to church this week. We've taken too long of a "break" from church life. Sometimes the politics, the serving, everything involving church gets to be too much. That is where it had gotten for us and it just seemed like a "duty" more than anything to go to church for awhile. Don't get me wrong, we were still in our Bibles, just not regularly participating in any church.

We decided, though, that it was time. We spiritually need to be back in that place. We'd like to get involved with other young parents, for our own good and for Munchkin's too. It's really quite irritating when other adults with 4+ kids talk to us like we know nothing until we're on their level - but even then we won't be because it won't have been as long as them... ....and so on. I really do love the advice they offer, but sometimes its nice just to have the companionship and comradery.

Kenny and I don't have many real friends these days, most of mine have moved away, and Kenny's too. So, we're out to build new relationships with others. We'll see how that goes, being as we can both be fairly antisocial! ha!

Okay, that's all that I have for the night.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Where am I going??????

I haven't been posting because my computer is broken. Not really broken, I'm pretty sure my Power Cable just died and my laptop battery is dead now too. I haven't had a chance to get a new one or find out if that really is the problem.

I really hate where I am in life right now. Me, I love my life, but I don't like *my* life. Does that make sense?

I LOVE being married to Kenny. I LOVE being a Mom to Munchkin.

But... ...I feel like I've done nothing with my life. The business I helped my dad with is still running without my help much anymore. I have no skills that I can use to work from home with. No "real" skills, that it. I love to take pictures and have a "good eye" but am not "good enough" to make money off of it. I can do some design, but I'm no where near good enough to actually make money off of that, either.

I've got a debt that has been hanging over my head for 3 years now and I hate it. Its wearing at me and I want it GONE. The thing is, I don't make money to make it gone. I've thought of sellling my computer, or my car to just pay for it and have it away from me so that I'll be able to breathe easier. The thing is that I need my computer just to try and make money in the future, hopefully soon... I also need my car, as I cannot drive Kenny's. ...But then maybe it'll be okay.

I just cannot justify buying another car after selling this one, as we got it for a steal at $300 because the guy didn't know why it wouldn't work and it turned out to be an easy fix.

I'm frustrated and depressed. I love being a stay at home mom. I just wish that I had something I could do from home to make money. Something that wouldn't cost a lot to start up.

Munchkin is wonderful. She is learning to crawl, she starts getting around the house like crazy. She calls for me when she wants or cannot see me. I love her attachment to me.

I've had two break down and cry moments yesterday and today. I don't know where I'm going with life and I cannot handle it.

Kenny is going back to school and he's going to continue on and do something great. It's going to be hard at first, but it'll be great. I think that is part of my mental break down. Also knowing that I'll need to be doing something to bring in extra money but not knowing what I'll be able to handle.

I want to continue helping my dad. I LOVE that. ...but it is SO hard with Munchkin. I feel like an awful mama bringing her to the shop with me and not spending time helping her grow up at home. I love our one on one time.

Therein lies my quandary: I want to work and help bring in money and feel productive and like I'm helping achieve goals. BUT I feel like a horible mama when I do that and like I'm not being the best I can be for Munchkin.

So, my emotions are all up in the air, I don't know how to cope except in my normal way of getting it down on "paper" or in this case, here. I used to keep notebooks all the time and have a bookcase full of them. ...hopefully this'll help me be able to deal with things I haven't yet identified.

I'm supposed to hang out with my brother this afternoon, but I don't feel like entertaining. I have been cleaning my house and that usually helps me with how I'm feeling, but not this time. I went to take care of a project I was given 6 months ago and, of course, the people had gotten someone else to do it not two days before that. I felt/feel like Crap.

I don't feel all that attractive these days. I wish I could go back and change how I felt about myself during my eating disordered yeas. I hated myself even up until being pregnant with Munchkin. Not as bad in years past, but still there. Now, I just wish for that unscarred body back. I see how great a body it actually was. Surprisingly enough I am more okay with my body now than I ever was, I don't loath it quite as much as I used to. But I don't feel as attractive to my husband as I used to. The grass is always greener, right?

Gosh I am so screwed up right now.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Sleep, Mama.

My world, having been turned upside down by Munchkin, is still in the process of having the pieces put back in place.

When I was 8 months pregnant with her I couldn't wait to have her out of my body. I wanted nothing more than to just SLEEP again. People laughed at me - saying "enjoy it now, you'll wish you had this kind of sleep after she's here." I'm quite pleased to announce that they were sooo wrong.

I was getting NO sleep. From about 6 months pregnant on I had AWFUL heartburn. I didn't have food cravings - I had food aversions. (Okay, that's sorta a lie - there are 2 documented cases of cravings: One night, Pizza, another night a "Papa Joe" from our local Zips.). If I laid down I'd get some intense reflux happening and feel like puking. If I sat down she'd shove her feet into my ribs and everywhere else and cause some nasty heartburn and PAINFUL ribs (she broke 2 of them, remember). Of course, if I stood my back, legs and feet would kill me.

I was up all night most every night, throwing up more often than not because of the heartburn. AND I carried a bottle of Tums with me EVERYWHERE. If I didn't have some I would drive right down to a store and buy a new bottle!

When I was in labor with her the heartburn came back and I puked early on. Oh yes, I do NOT miss that. I am happy to report I am no longer a 20+ Tums caplets a day person. But now just a once in awhile eater for too much pizza. As it should be. Heehee.

I have gotten an abundance more sleep than I did than, and am quite happy about it. The difference this time, though, is this:

Then, running on no sleep I just had to deal with my Husband, my Brother (who was living with us) and my Dad (who I work for). No big deal, they knew well when to "Steer Clear" of me, and we were all great.

Now, running on little sleep with a Baby is much different. She doesn't know when to "Steer Clear" she just wants what she wants. Which is not always apparent right away, if at all. I am teaching her and helping her learn about life. She doesn't know when I'm grumpy or sad, happy or agreeable. She doesn't know that it really is time to be SLEEPING at 2,3 and 4am and I am NOT pleased to be up at those times.

Babies do not have "Tact" nor will they ever. This poses a different nasty problem for my sleep deprived state. I can still function - and function better than I did before - but my fuse is a bit shorter.

Sweet thing got my and Kenny's intense Stubbornness. Unfortunately for her we are both determined to out last her. This leads for some rough nights. Kenny works for us and is making most of the money these days, so I enjoy making sure his work days aren't awful because he stayed up with the baby all night.

The last two weeks, though, she has been sleeping awfully. SO badly, I really should lay down and sleep at the same time as she does. I usually want my "alone time" though and end up staying up too late. Making it *my* fault that I'm grumpy when she wakes up in the middle of the night wanting to play.

Fortunately God has given me the grace to wake up and be just as cheerful as ever. I just pray that I will have the strength and fortitude to continue on. I'd really like her to sleep through the night, but that will come when it comes and I will not force it before she's ready.


In other news Munchkin is now saying MAMA! It totally rocks my world. It's only deliberate calling for me a little bit, most of the time she's just saying it to say it - but its becoming more purposeful. I'm stoked. Still working on "papa" but she doesn't really have that "pah" sound yet. In time, in time.

My baby food making also seems to be a success. Munchkin loves it and ate it up like crazy. I'm excited to make more. Now, I've just gotta figure out the cheapest way to keep making it! heehee.

Okay, in the interests of actually sleeping tonight, I must go.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

My Husband

is weird and very funny.

Last night while on our way to bed he was brushing his teeth and all that entails, I was getting ready to crawl into bed. I realized his pj's were on our bed still so I tossed them out the door towards the bathroom for him and saw they didn't quite make it so he wouldn't have seen them.

I went out to grab those pj's and put them in his hands when I saw him in a near squatting position over the toilet and in the process of spitting. Of course I saw this the same time I was going to re-toss the pj's to him and tell him "here you go."

My starting to speak startled him horribly and he jumped up faster than I've ever seen and quite embarrassingly giggled loudly and said "you weren't supposed to see that!!!!"

I couldn't stop laughing! I had no idea what it was that I had just seen - but the entire situation was beyond hilarious. ...I'm laughing right now typing this, it was too funny.

It took me a lot of laughing and coaxing to get him to fess up - turns out he was spitting his mouth wash into the toilet so when I got up to pee in the middle of the night I would be "overwhelmed" with this minty smell and wonder about it forever. You know he never would have told me or fessed up to it *EVER*.

How do I know that? Well, I've seen him do just that same thing with his mom. He'll smack her upside the head with something, swear he doesn't know what she's talking about - she believes him and he never says anything about it ever again - and she never knows. Yeah, he never would have told me had I not "caught" him.

I love this guy. I'm so glad he picked me to marry. Yes, there is definite "spice" in our relationship!!!