Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Brutally Honest

I'm going to be brutally honest, like it or not, ready or not - here it comes:

I'm Homesick.

Not for my parents' home. For MY home. It doesn't matter what home, just MY home. A building of MY own (or rented!) that I don't share with anyone but my Man and my Munchkin (and dog). Where I bake cookies and leave things a mess.

I know, I know - I know why we moved here. I know that if we didn't move here we'd have had to anyway because we wouldn't have been able to make Rent for the next month and we wouldn't have been able to pay for a new car and we wouldn't be able to send Kenny to school and we wouldn't be able to even buy the Growing Baby the clothes she needs and we wouldn't be able to...........................

I know that I had equal parts in the decision. NO - I am NOT regretting our decision at all. It is still the best move for us. It's still the best thing.

Written down on Paper (or "Paper") it is perfectly logical. The best thing. I know in my heart and mind that this is the best thing.

I want MY home, though. Where much like we brought Rylee to from the hospital

Where, much like Rylee enjoyed her first Christmas at 1 week old

and later her 2nd Christmas

I want my own place where Rylee gets to experience new things - with us. Just the 3 of us.
Like Playing in the Snow for the first time. 

I miss these times from her infancy:

I want to experience more of those memories - at our own place.

No, I am not unhappy here, in that sense. I love my In-Laws. They are wonderful and things are going SO well.

We met with the counselor at the college last week and realized some harsh truths about the schooling. Ones I already had in the back of my head but didn't want to face. Possibilities of Kenny going to work part time elsewhere and all sorts of other craziness I will not go into detail about at this time.

I love my husband, and I love our life together. I love that he finally wants to go back to school. I love that he has such a drive and passion for it now. I 100% support him in his endeavors to live a 'better' life than the currant one. I am glad that we have made this decision - in the long run.

In the long run a 'real' house is in the mix. In the long run a good paying job is in the mix - and one that he Wants to do. In the long run - everything will be just wonderful.

In the here and now, in the moment, I miss my own house (apartment).

I have found myself becoming upset within me when Rylee says a new word or does something new and the rest of the family hears/sees it first - and I don't. That's why I don't work at a job I can't bring her with me to - I get to experience it all. ...or, I used to. I don't want them to just stop telling me when she does something new either. It just saddens me that I'm not 'the only one' generally with her during the days any more. I relish that time we had together like that.

I am so thankful that I did take almost her first year off and simply enjoyed every bit of it. I knew that things would change - she would grow too quickly and we'd be in different situations in the future. Little did I know this would be that different situation. Thinking about it - it seems this is harder now after we had been looking and looking and looking at houses to actually buy.

I miss being just a moments drive from my family. Now I have to schedule when I can go over, because gas is just too much to jaunt here and there whenever.

Frankly, I can't believe how much harder this move has been on me than I thought it would be.

Like I said, it's still okay. It's still the best thing. It's still where the Lord wants us. It's still right.

I want instant gratification and don't want to go through the 2+ year  waiting period until my innermost desires are granted. We don't even know what will happen after Kenny graduates - or while he's in school! It's all tentative. It's all walking in faith and trusting that this really is the right thing to do.

Today/Tonight, I'm having a hard time with it. I miss MY stuff, MY place MINE MINE MINE! Heehee! I'm so selfish. Who knows? Maybe this is a lesson for me to learn not to be so selfish and be more selfless?

Whatever the case. That's how I feel - being Brutally Honest - tonight.


Saffy said...

Bee, brutally honest is the best way to be. I'm glad you took that critical almost first year off too :) I get that living with the inlaws isn't ideal. You may hate me for saying it but time will fly, Kenny will be thru school, things will be where you want them to be and this will seem a long time ago. But most importantly, you'll still have your baby girl there, knowing that she's what's driving you all - to make a better life.

Rebeca Placo said...

That completely makes sense. My hubbie and I moved in with his parents for the first year of our marriage. We had our own bedroom, livingroom and bathroom and only shared the kitchen/eating space. It is hard because you crave your own space - all your own - especially with a new family. And then once we moved into our own place and our little baby boy came along my in-laws found new life and new purpose in him. They would beg to have him for hours at a time every day - and I would be fine with it because it gave me a chance to run around for our small business or groceries or errands. But it was my father-in-law that discovered the first tooth, and my father-in-law saw him take his first steps the first week I was back at work! I got the first smile, first laugh and first word "mama". It sucks but they are great and you have to cling to that. They mean well and they are loving you guys with all they've got. It's okay to "vent" about it - and it's great to see that you are grounded though. You know that your heart is in the right spot - you DID make the right decision. Sacrifice. It's worth it. :)

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