A Beautiful Mind.

I'm watching A Beautiful Mind by myself tonight. Well mostly, I watched more than half of it with Munchkin, trying to get her to bed. Kenny already sleeping because he's gotta drive 3 hours out of town for work and be there by 5:30am. Yikes.

Some people think I'm crazy for loving this movie so much. Probably because I am, though. I identify with mental issues all too well. So well that I would love to go back to school in Psychology and then use that in some way (not quite sure how yet) to minister to young girls/women.

I've over analyzed my messed up brain so much that I personally think that I don't need a degree to "minister" in that manner, it'd just look better on paper. Haha.

Having dealt with an eating disorder/skewed body image most of my life out of childhood - still having it haunt me - I greatly sympathize with others with similar issues. Much like those who are involved with someone who is "suffering" such problems sympathize with eachother as well.

Having a baby put my whole life in a much better perspective. I wish I could have my old body back, having realized that my old body was flat out fantastic. Ha! Now, though, the eating disorder thought patterns still bug me - wondering if being skinnier would "fix" the flame job my 9 pound wonder gave me.

It is still a constant struggle. Like the life of John Nash whose imaginary people never really went away - the skewed way of thinking that is eating disorders never really goes away. Its a choice - and takes A LOT of mind over matter and purposeful thinking to get it to the point that I have. It still bugs me - I hate having my belly "roll" over the top of my pants (its not even a roll, just skin that has no where to go in my tight jeans, yeesh, what's my problem? Oh yeah...), but then I realize that that is normal and have to put it out of my mind. - And its gone.

I don't tear up every time I feel fat. I don't tear up thinking about how awful I must look to everyone else. I don't sit in the bathroom and cry when I'm alone anymore, because I think I am not attractive to my husband. - And this after my very changed post baby body.

How I wish it would have happened before. Fact of the matter is - it would not have, though. Being pregnant it was no longer about me. My life was about growing a new life that was COMPLETELY dependent on my treating my body properly. Completely dependent on me - that was an amazing concept for me. So for the duration I was a "good" girl. That length of time was just enough to get my brain over the "hump" that I never wanted to get over before - but I had to this time.

That and the fact the my body was constantly changing and growing against my will. Ha!

So, now, after years and years of tears and abusing my body - I sit at below my pre-pregnancy weight, a great body, though not untouched by pregnancy by any means - you just can't tell through my clothes - and much better off than ever before.

As I said - the struggle remains. I still stare at myself in the mirror - hoping that maybe I'll be able to get back to the way I was because I really do hate the way I look naked. Yet, it does not plague my every thought. A long time coming, a visit to the psych ward - the worst experience ever - far too many hospitalizations, many a late night with my boyfriend/fiance/loving husband - I finally sit where I think I'll continually be.

It breaks my heart to see other girls/women in this same state, though, and I understand it completely. I want to help them through and let them know I've been there in the darkest moments. I'm not sure how that would, if ever, come about. It's a dream I have, and it may always be just that. My goal in life is to make sure my lovely daughter grows up with the healthiest of body images and can appreciate the body that God has given her always.

I was scared to death to have a girl. Boys are so easy. Their problems are pretty darn clear, they don't play the mind games that girls do. Their wants and needs are easy to figure out. Girls you have to play the game with them. I know myself and how I have been - I did not want to have a chance of that happening with a daughter of my own. Now is the real test - how do I instill a good body image in the daughter of an eating disorder plagued mother? Stay tuned and we'll see in about 18 years.

What do you mean 8 months??

Today I decided that it had been too long since I'd done a "good" photo shoot with my baby girl - who is now 8 months old! Where did those months go?? Miss Munchkin crawls EVERYWHERE and pulls her self up on EVERYTHING, not excluding my legs while crying to get picked up.

Still has the greatest dimple smile

Texting pro already. What am I getting myself into?

I just love these kinds of pictures.

Having managed to get out of the dress, I couldn't help a few mostly naked pictures, this being the best. Drool on the side of the face and all. I love it.

That's all. Just some mama boasting.

CD Mama!

Yep, I have officially stepped into the world of Cloth Diapering.

2 weeks ago I went to a friends baby shower and we got talking about cloth diapering. I have been very against it for years - but for no reason but my own silly things. I hate poop. I hate toilets. I don't like the idea of dunking those soiled cloth diapers in the toilet! I refused long ago to ever cloth diaper. Then I later that week saw some at Babys R Us and that got me wondering...

Little did I know that Cloth Diapering is truly a world of its own. As I stepped out to see what its all about I realized - I was not in Kansas anymore.

I had NO idea that there were SO many different kinds of Cloth diapers! AIO's, AI2's, Pockets, Fitteds, PreFolds, Chinese Prefolds, Night Time... and more!

AND so MANY manufacturers! Most Work at Home Mom's - but still. SO many choices. I had no idea what to think. No idea how to choose. I was completely overwhelmed and clueless.

That led to the next several days spending hours and hours of time googling and reading and trying to figure out if this was even worth all this time I'm spending looking up all this stuff.

Fact of the matter is, though, that I was really looking to save money by cloth diapering. I don't like spending so much in disposables and Kenny's work hours are so inconsistent lately I'm really just trying to trim back as much as possible.

After much searching I had decided on this delightful brand called FuzziBunz. They are a pocket style cloth diaper - the go on like disposables but you put an absorbent insert between the layers. Relatively easy to clean and deal with. I asked Kenny if I could order some, given the okay I started trying to find the best place and deal.

Then I stumbled upon this amazing site: DiaperSwappers. Ladies there are constantly buying, selling, trading their used (sometimes unused!) products. Did you know that women who cloth diaper are somewhat obsessive about keeping them as clean and in as good a condition as possible? Well, I had no idea until now.

SO, I definitely decided to go used. I now have a days worth of pocket style cloth diapers for $46.00!! I am so proud of myself. I figured we wouldn't see the savings from cloth diapering until after 4 months of it - but this way I'm seeing the saving already this month! I was going to be spending 1/2 that this week buying a new box of disposables!

Next month I'd like to try and buy another days worth, that way I'll have some extras and not be panicky when she goes through a few more than I was planning on.

So, I am now one of THOSE moms. THOSE moms who - Make their own baby food, cloth diaper, mend their own things, (and I'd now like a sewing machine so I can make her clothes!). Oh no. What have I become?! Haha!

The Warrior is a Child

This sums it all up.

KEYS!

Today:

Got an early start at work. Things are going great. Had to run to the store to grab some stuff for a project that needed to ship out today.

While there I give Munchkin my keys to play with and keep her happy while I'm trying to figure out exactly what is the best thing for this project.

I remember that I need to make a second copy of my car key, being as it is the only one in existence.

After a bit I go to leave the store, thinking I'm coming back shortly - "Where are my keys?!"

Fast Forward to **2** hours later:

Still scouring that stupid store looking for where my daughter could have dropped them. Now I'm thinking some kid picked them up and left with them! My mom comes and helps me find them, I'll need a ride at this point anyways cause I can't find them and as I mentioned before - I only had one copy.

Also at this point, I'm near hysterical inside. Seriously needing to cry and seriously mad. I didn't care about the other keys - just the car key.

I'm thinking about how Kenny was SO SWEET last night taking me out and buying me some new things - and how I'm going to need to take everything back just to pay for the locksmith that I'm going to have to call to get me a new key for my car.

I had to leave for a little while after having all the associates on the look out for my mysteriously missing keys, they also now had my name, phone number and license plate number so they could keep an eye on my car for me and out for my keys.

Now with my mom we finish the errands - Kenny calls to tell me he's going to the store to look for my keys too - So I go back.

(At this point my entire day is fairly wasted and I've gotten no work done.)

Walking back into the store, baby on hip, on of the associates calls out to me "Hey! Are these your keys?!" As he's walking towards me. Sure enough! They are!

Evidently they were in a cart around the SIDE of the building!

Okay - the day got a million times better there. - Munchkin no longer gets to have ANYTHING of value at all. Who knew Key's would cause such turmoil?

I get back to work because that project from earlier? It still has to ship out. I don't get home until after 8pm. - The project didn't ship - now Dad has to drive it across the state.

Munchkin then becomes a nightmare to put to bed a couple hours later. I feel like an awful mother. I didn't have any baby food in the house tonight because I was at work so long because I was looking for the key's she lost because I gave them to her. She's obviously hungry and breastfeeding isn't quite doing it enough tonight.

She won't lay down, I let her cry and feel like I'm breaking her heart - my nerves are already shattered from the earlier events - and now I've lost it.

Time for Sleep and the weekend to start tomorrow!

Sweet Dreams.

SO, I realized this morning a recurring truth:

Without fail every time I get back into my Bible consistently (not to mention we are regularly attending church again) inevitably I get frustrated and lots of little things start happening and add up causing meltdowns. Can you tell from my last few posts?

Haha. Funny thing is - once I realize what the problem is (i.e. spiritual warfare) I can almost instantly deal with it a TON better.

Also, Kenny and I had a good talk last night. I had stuff welled up inside I didn't know about and our little talk got it off my chest and that lifted my spirits quite a bit as well.

Not forgetting that he ALSO took me out tonight for a ME shopping trip. Something that is RARE to say the least. He took me and told me just pick whatever I wanted under x amount and was patient and not pushy. I couldn't believe it and am still quite elated.

I love Victoria's Secret. I worked there 2 years and enjoyed it quite a bit. The discounts are great, the work is fun (most of the time, haha). I'm officially a snob about my bras too. I tried a few others while pregnant (I didn't want to spend money on them when I'd not be in them long). After that I just can't help myself anymore. heehee.

After shopping there tonight I'm desperately fighting the urge to go beg them for my job back! Haha! I'm seriously considering going back for a day a week if I can after Munchkin is a year old

- Which is coming up WAY TOO QUICKLY! When did that happen?? She'll be 8 months old on Monday! My baby is growing up far too quickly. She turned into a little person overnight. I love her. I love Husband. It's a Good Night.

can I have a new day, please?

Man, today has not really been my day. If anything else happens someone may die in the crossfire of my fury.

A dear friend of mine died last week unexpectedly of a heart attack. Okay, he was 70 years old - but no one really knew that! He was a larger than life kind of guy - booming voice, fun personality, hilarious, a WEALTH of information - AND he knew how to fly airplanes. heehee. He was so much fun. Ken would always pop in on us at work and scare the crap out of us cause we didn't realize he walked in and would say "What are you doing!" - it was great.

My husband did a lot of computer work for him. He was also a health nut - with a lot of miracle cure beliefs. He was goofy. Tried to tell me that I could cure my Type 1 diabetes by eating some silly foods. I tried to explain to him that its a simple fact of my pancreas being completely dead and there is no way to revive it - my body in essence "ate" it. haha. It didn't do much for convincing him - but it made for lively conversation.

Anyways. He'll be very intensely and deeply missed. We all selfishly want him here with us for our own enjoyment.


All that said.... I got all ready for the funeral this morning - attended not knowing almost a single person there. In the middle of it got an urgent text from my Husband - I get up to call him and find out that our power company called him wanting payment NOW. Very strange cause I was certain I had payed it last month.

...We had a mishap with car insurance companies last week and got double charged/double covered and had less than $20 bucks to last the week until today when Kenny got paid.

SO I, very distraught, left the funeral earlier than I wanted - Didn't get to (offer condolences) speak to His wife or my dad who was there. Run out to his work - get his check drop by our power company to see what the heck is going on with our power bill - find out it was just a silly mishap with the last payment not going through as I thought it had.

All this before noon. My day was pretty much shot. I didn't get to attend the funeral, I was very stressed running to Kenny's work and the Bank and the power company.

I stopped by work to see if my Dad was there and he was. I ended up getting to help him out and we chatted about our friend's funeral. Gosh, we're still upset about it. We're having a hard time grappling with him not just walking through the door and talking our ears off anymore... ...oh man, today was not my cup of tea.

I left work so late I decided to not actually get groceries tonight and brought pizza home for Kenny - which was another stupid deal. I tried calling him to see what he wanted and I could.not.get.ahold.of.him. I tried calling him for 45 minutes straight. Papa Murphey's tonight - took A HALF AN HOUR to make my one stupid little pizza and there was only ONE PERSON in front of me with ONE stupid little pizza. Meanwhile I could not get ahold of my husband - who was supposed to be at home.

I rush home wondering what the crap is going on - adrenaline rushing - HE IS ASLEEP ON THE COUCH. Yes - I felt stupid for being so worried.

By now, if you haven't guessed - my day was pretty much shot. Only to be redeemed by nothing else happening all night. I'm still frustrated. My mouth is killing me - I need serious dental work done. Sometimes I feel like I give and give and get nothing back - I think that is what is really bothering me all week - just compounded by all these other things. Oh yeah - and my mouth frickin hurts!!!!

All done with this day. Can I have a new one tomorrow?