Thursday, July 9, 2009

Where am I going??????

I haven't been posting because my computer is broken. Not really broken, I'm pretty sure my Power Cable just died and my laptop battery is dead now too. I haven't had a chance to get a new one or find out if that really is the problem.

I really hate where I am in life right now. Me, I love my life, but I don't like *my* life. Does that make sense?

I LOVE being married to Kenny. I LOVE being a Mom to Munchkin.

But... ...I feel like I've done nothing with my life. The business I helped my dad with is still running without my help much anymore. I have no skills that I can use to work from home with. No "real" skills, that it. I love to take pictures and have a "good eye" but am not "good enough" to make money off of it. I can do some design, but I'm no where near good enough to actually make money off of that, either.

I've got a debt that has been hanging over my head for 3 years now and I hate it. Its wearing at me and I want it GONE. The thing is, I don't make money to make it gone. I've thought of sellling my computer, or my car to just pay for it and have it away from me so that I'll be able to breathe easier. The thing is that I need my computer just to try and make money in the future, hopefully soon... I also need my car, as I cannot drive Kenny's. ...But then maybe it'll be okay.

I just cannot justify buying another car after selling this one, as we got it for a steal at $300 because the guy didn't know why it wouldn't work and it turned out to be an easy fix.

I'm frustrated and depressed. I love being a stay at home mom. I just wish that I had something I could do from home to make money. Something that wouldn't cost a lot to start up.

Munchkin is wonderful. She is learning to crawl, she starts getting around the house like crazy. She calls for me when she wants or cannot see me. I love her attachment to me.

I've had two break down and cry moments yesterday and today. I don't know where I'm going with life and I cannot handle it.

Kenny is going back to school and he's going to continue on and do something great. It's going to be hard at first, but it'll be great. I think that is part of my mental break down. Also knowing that I'll need to be doing something to bring in extra money but not knowing what I'll be able to handle.

I want to continue helping my dad. I LOVE that. ...but it is SO hard with Munchkin. I feel like an awful mama bringing her to the shop with me and not spending time helping her grow up at home. I love our one on one time.

Therein lies my quandary: I want to work and help bring in money and feel productive and like I'm helping achieve goals. BUT I feel like a horible mama when I do that and like I'm not being the best I can be for Munchkin.

So, my emotions are all up in the air, I don't know how to cope except in my normal way of getting it down on "paper" or in this case, here. I used to keep notebooks all the time and have a bookcase full of them. ...hopefully this'll help me be able to deal with things I haven't yet identified.

I'm supposed to hang out with my brother this afternoon, but I don't feel like entertaining. I have been cleaning my house and that usually helps me with how I'm feeling, but not this time. I went to take care of a project I was given 6 months ago and, of course, the people had gotten someone else to do it not two days before that. I felt/feel like Crap.

I don't feel all that attractive these days. I wish I could go back and change how I felt about myself during my eating disordered yeas. I hated myself even up until being pregnant with Munchkin. Not as bad in years past, but still there. Now, I just wish for that unscarred body back. I see how great a body it actually was. Surprisingly enough I am more okay with my body now than I ever was, I don't loath it quite as much as I used to. But I don't feel as attractive to my husband as I used to. The grass is always greener, right?

Gosh I am so screwed up right now.


Jillian said...

My husband's cord keeps breaking on him too, bummer!!

Jenny said...

All my life, I thought that I would be a stay-at-home mommy. Things don't always go as planned. I hated it at first, but have found that I feel a little guilty, because there is a part of me that NEEDS to work. I don't think there is anything wrong with needing to feel productive and like you are contributing. Maybe you could do something part time so you can get your Munchkin time, too. Babies need strong, healthy mommies, so take care of yourself. Get in your "me" time. I will be praying that God shows you something that you can do to earn money! I hope you feel better soon...I went through a funk about 2 weeks ago, too! Take care!

Jessi said...

You and I are alike in SO many ways.

I feel exactly the same way about helping bring in money but at the same time, I don't want to work and couldn't. My husband is also going for his bachelors degree and going places so I understand watching your husband succeed when you sort of feel like you're doing nothing to contribute.

Here's where you're wrong though. You need to look at it like this:

YES you stay at home. NO, you don't directly make money but you DO help. If it weren't for you staying at home, you would be paying for daycare. So that cuts a cost right there. Add in the fact that you get 1 on 1 quality time with your baby and get to see her grow right before your eyes, there is NOTHING better than that! I know you know this too.

Also, our plan is this: Husband gets his bachelors and works. I stay home with the kids while they're little. When they go to school, I'm going to school so I can have an education to fall back on. I don't want to work, and I don't want to miss the kids growing up so getting my education while they go to school sounds great to me. That way I'll have an education to fall back on should I need it.

About the debt. I have a debt over my head too and we've vowed to start trying to pay it off bits at a time starting first of the year. I have about $3000 of medical bills from when I was younger hanging over my head!

About the body. I struggled with an eating disorder as well and only my husband really knows about it because he was there for it as we were growing up so I know the feeling about hating your body and wishing you could have your old one back!

Sorry for the novel, I just really relate to everything you said!

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