Friday, October 30, 2009

Do I deserve this?

A phrase that has always bothered me is "I don't deserve this" or "You don't deserve this."

Really, what DO we actually deserve (or not deserve)? Who decides that and what is it based on?

We are all sinners saved by Grace. We do/think/want to do things on a daily, sometimes minute by minute basis that certainly do not merit "good things" to happen to us. Whether it be a thought or action. Thinking about how much you hate what your husband just did, or how mad you are at your child. Thinking about that friend that you really don't want to be friends with and wish you could "break it off." Cursing or wanting to curse because you just hit you elbow on the corner of the counter as you were walking by.

Maybe its just not noticing or thanking your husband when he takes out the trash without your asking him. Or realizing how GOOD your baby is being, allowing you a few minutes to clean.

Whatever it is, how often do we really "deserve" something?

I often have people often tell me that I don't "deserve to be diabetic" and deal with all that entails. Or we don't "deserve" to have some of the crap that is thrown our way. Some people we know who has sick babies, or spouses don't "deserve" to have that situation "happen to them."

I think it falls along the lines of "why do bad things happen to good people?" I feel that they aren't just arbitrary circumstances that randomly happen. I believe that God allows those things to happen to certain people because God knows they can handle it, and that whatever the outcome may be - they can point to God's glory or sovereignty.

Sometimes I am surprised at the amount of stress and things I can handle at once. It is rare that I actually think about it, though. The things that have come my way I know completely that they have helped make me who I am. I know that the issues I have had with Eating Disorders has helped make me the more outgoing confident individual I am now (although that can be a total mask at times still). I know that being Diabetic has helped me appreciate life and living it (although that also is a bit of a contradiction from my Eating disordered life!). I know that troubles and family issues growing up has made me appreciate my parents and what they have gone through for us. I know that the hurdles in Kenny's and my Marriage have only brought us closer and stronger.

So, really, who really deserves anything one way or another? I know I am quite guilty of plenty crap on a daily (sometimes hourly!) basis. Why would I deserve my husband to come home smiling and happy and willing to do anything I want? Why would we deserve to have our phone company try and screw us out of the new phone we are SUPPOSED to get after 2 years (and then spend 2 hours on the phone with them trying to get them to be honest and good about the situation)? Why would we deserve to have to make decisions between Kenny's schooling or a new Insulin Pump for me?

No reason other than we can handle it. We rely on God and his timing. We love each other and come what may! Storms come, they can be hard and fierce and long, but they do end and the calm afterward is a beautiful site!


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