Thursday, November 12, 2009

Taking the Higher Road

I try to do that as part of my daily life. It's difficult in marriage from time to time, though... okay, a little more often than that.

When something goes wrong in our house it's almost always my "fault". Why? Because I do most of the things in our house. Kenny works for us, and I appreciate that more than I have been able to appropriately express. So, I try to do my part - staying home with our daughter, keeping the house clean, doing the grocery shopping, buying him pizza or video games. heehee.

When we're out of something - it's my "fault" (forget him actually remembering to tell me when he's low on shampoo, although I've been trying for a couple years now). When the house is trashed (which I hate, it stresses me out) it's my "fault", thereby stressing me out more. When dinner isn't ready it's my "fault". Or, when we're out of money - it's my "fault".

Most of the time I just shrug it off. I would be one grumpy individual if I didn't. Most of the time it doesn't bother me at all. Key phrase being Most of the time.

Sometimes I want to scream at him, or someone. Sometimes I want to tell him exactly what I do all the time while he is at work and sometimes I want to tell him exactly what he doesn't do or help out with EVER because I wouldn't ask him to ever. Sometimes I want to tell him that he is ungrateful and would never put up with the stuff I put up with. Sometimes.

It's pretty darn rare that I feel that way. Hardly ever. Sometimes, though, it really gets me and I get mad.

Today I realized we spent a LOT of money since he got his paycheck **2** days ago. I couldn't believe it. I have been dang good with money lately and was a bit upset to see that. I realize that a good portion of it went to bills, of course, no big deal. The rest of it on Groceries, novelties and eating out. I was irritated with myself for not keeping better tabs on our outflow the last 2 days, but I got over it.

Kenny just realized this and got upset. I can't help but think this time that it isn't my fault and I will not be solely responsible this time.

Tonight he talks to me about it as though it is my fault. Sometimes I'm okay with taking the responsiblity, but not this time. I have been dang good and conscious of money these days and while I did let this slip a little it is certainly not my fault.

Tonight I am struggling with taking the higher road. Tonight while Kenny is struggling to get to sleep I don't want to be nice. Tonight I want to lay on the guilt trip and let him know it's all his fault. the end that isn't what I want. He'll take back some stuff and feel depressed and be impossible to live with for the next week and I'll feel like crap too.

Tonight I do not want to take the higher road. Tonight I want to be a jerk. Tonight I realize I love my husband too much to do that to him. Tonight I'll snuggle and love him and pray that he'll be okay for the next week.


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