Saturday, May 29, 2010

2 years for my Angels

The past few days have been a little bittersweet for me.

It was 2 years ago yesterday that our Twins would have been "due." We all know that "Due Dates" really don't mean a lot for when babies will actually be born, but it was the date.

We weren't ready for children, so we thought. We were just married, only 4 months before we found out that I was pregnant.

In honesty, when I first found out I cried. I thought "my life is over." We were both going to go to school and had so many other plans - a child just wasn't in that plan yet, in my mind. Kenny was sweet and supportive, although it wasn't in our plans he was excited to be a Dad (or 'Papa' as we later decided).

Being Diabetic and not planning that pregnancy I knew that I was in bad shape. I got into the doctor has fast as I could, it still took 2 weeks and my best guess was that I was at least 8 weeks along already.

I went to that first appointment alone. The initial stuff was boring - family history and all. Then after figuring out I could very well be 12 weeks along after the doctor said I had a "good sized uterus" they used a "Doppler" to hopefully hear the baby's heartbeat in the exam room without an ultrasound.

Upon not finding it they just assumed the baby was hiding or I wasn't as far along as they thought they sent me down for blood work than back for an Ultrasound in a couple hours.

I was excited. I had a couple weeks to pour over every article I could on the internet in that amount of time. I was getting used to the idea of having a baby. I was already attached, although I told myself not to be, I didn't know if it was really real.

Got into the ultrasound room, laid down on the chair. The really nice Ultrasound Technician plopped that gooey ooze onto my belly and started rubbing that wand around. I quickly spotted not one but TWO blobs on the screen. I didn't say anything but I was freaking out inside - "Twins!?" Really!? Am I seeing that there are Twins inside me!?"

After a lot of silence, a LOT of looking and looking and more looking, I had never been to one, no one ever told how they happen or anything, I had no idea what to expect. When she turned the screen off she looked at me and told me "I'm sorry, Hon. It looks like this is a pregnancy that just isn't going to work out." She turned the screen back on and tried to show me what I should see if the babies were alive.

I still didn't know what I should see at that point (though at my next ultrasound with little blob Rylee I immediately knew the difference), so I just nodded, asked if there were twins and tried to keep it together until I get the heck out of that office and call Kenny. I texted my best friend while sitting and waiting for the Doctor to come in and tell me what happens next, she offered to leave work right then and come be with me. I just wanted to be alone. I was supposed to go back to work, I wasn't going to. I didn't even want to call and explain why (Kenny was a dear and later did that for me).

Doctor H was really nice, he explained my options and told me why he thought which one was best for my circumstances. Considering I was carrying twins, should have been about 11 weeks along and they both died between 6 and 8 weeks it was unlikely I would be able to miscarry naturally - and if I did there would be so much bleeding I'd wind up in the hospital needing a transfusion. So a D&C was the best option and the one I chose. It was 2 days later.

The two days waiting for my D&C were agonizing. I went to work the day in between. I just wanted to get back on with my life. I wanted to do anything I could to keep my mind off of the dead babies in my belly. The babies we wanted, though unexpected. Kenny and I both longed for twins when we would someday have children.

The day of the D&C we were also already scheduled to go out of town for the weekend to a music conference with our Church Worship Team. I went ahead with that as well. I didn't care that I 'should be home and rest.' I needed to keep doing, keep going, keep moving with life. Our babies were no more, they were in heaven and I just didn't know what to do with my life. I didn't understand why I would never get to meet my babies in this life. I still don't fully understand, yet I wouldn't have my Rylee either, considering the timing of the events.

The following month was difficult. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life. Every time I found myself alone I cried. I longed for the babies I could never hold. The babies that would never touch my arms. The babies whose faces I would never see, cries I would never hear, skin I would never touch, lives I would never see unfold in front of me.

One day, while I was laying on the couch, silently sobbing with the tv on - hoping I would not bother Kenny - He got up and went to our bedroom and stayed there for a long time. Finally I went in and asked what was bothering him. He told me he couldn't handle all my tears and crying anymore. It hurt him too much to see me so upset. At that point I stopped. No more tears. No more crying. Nothing.

I missed my babies I only knew about for 3 weeks, loved like I didn't know I could in those 3 weeks, but they were no longer mine, they are with Jesus now and are his. I'll get to see them someday.

5 months later I would find out that we were expecting Rylee. Again, not in our plans. Apparently normal birth control pills aren't effective in my body! Still, the most beautiful blessing in our lives she has been.

I love her so much and am beyond thankful that I get to be her mother. I sometimes wish I could have her and her twin siblings all together here on this earth. I know it wasn't meant to be. I know that they are in a better place. I know that God knows why I wasn't allowed my first children. Perhaps he looked into their future and saw that it would be unsafe for them. Or maybe he knew my health at the time would cause problems for all of us in such a way that we'd all be adversely effected. I don't know. It took a bit to come to terms with and just say "I don't know why, but I accept it."

Rylee, our only child, at this point 'for good,' is the light of our lives. We love seeing her grow and blossom, and I think I enjoy it more than I would have - had I not gone through losing my other babies.

So, happy 2 years, my little angels. Mommy has shed a few tears tonight, missing you, loving you. Wishing and waiting for the day when the 5 of us can all be together in the presence of our Lord.


Saffy said...

Oh sweetie. Big hugs >:D<

zookeeperjess said...

There are no words to comfort a loss like that :(


Heather said...

Thank you for sharing that. ((hug))

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