Do I deserve this?

A phrase that has always bothered me is "I don't deserve this" or "You don't deserve this."

Really, what DO we actually deserve (or not deserve)? Who decides that and what is it based on?

We are all sinners saved by Grace. We do/think/want to do things on a daily, sometimes minute by minute basis that certainly do not merit "good things" to happen to us. Whether it be a thought or action. Thinking about how much you hate what your husband just did, or how mad you are at your child. Thinking about that friend that you really don't want to be friends with and wish you could "break it off." Cursing or wanting to curse because you just hit you elbow on the corner of the counter as you were walking by.

Maybe its just not noticing or thanking your husband when he takes out the trash without your asking him. Or realizing how GOOD your baby is being, allowing you a few minutes to clean.

Whatever it is, how often do we really "deserve" something?

I often have people often tell me that I don't "deserve to be diabetic" and deal with all that entails. Or we don't "deserve" to have some of the crap that is thrown our way. Some people we know who has sick babies, or spouses don't "deserve" to have that situation "happen to them."

I think it falls along the lines of "why do bad things happen to good people?" I feel that they aren't just arbitrary circumstances that randomly happen. I believe that God allows those things to happen to certain people because God knows they can handle it, and that whatever the outcome may be - they can point to God's glory or sovereignty.

Sometimes I am surprised at the amount of stress and things I can handle at once. It is rare that I actually think about it, though. The things that have come my way I know completely that they have helped make me who I am. I know that the issues I have had with Eating Disorders has helped make me the more outgoing confident individual I am now (although that can be a total mask at times still). I know that being Diabetic has helped me appreciate life and living it (although that also is a bit of a contradiction from my Eating disordered life!). I know that troubles and family issues growing up has made me appreciate my parents and what they have gone through for us. I know that the hurdles in Kenny's and my Marriage have only brought us closer and stronger.

So, really, who really deserves anything one way or another? I know I am quite guilty of plenty crap on a daily (sometimes hourly!) basis. Why would I deserve my husband to come home smiling and happy and willing to do anything I want? Why would we deserve to have our phone company try and screw us out of the new phone we are SUPPOSED to get after 2 years (and then spend 2 hours on the phone with them trying to get them to be honest and good about the situation)? Why would we deserve to have to make decisions between Kenny's schooling or a new Insulin Pump for me?

No reason other than we can handle it. We rely on God and his timing. We love each other and come what may! Storms come, they can be hard and fierce and long, but they do end and the calm afterward is a beautiful site!

Random

Rylee has been teething for what seems like forever. She'll go a few hours in between meltdowns that seem to really only attributable to teething. Sometimes its just plain grumpiness, most of the time it's teething related. We can finally see that stupid little tooth trying to poke through, but it's still not through!

She also acquired my dang cold that I was down and out with last week! I'm really bummed because it was so awful for me, I really hope it won't be as bad for her. Her poor nose is running like a faucet, right after we finally get that blasted diaper rash cleared up and the diarrhea and and and.... I'm tired!

I can't deal with Buyer's remorse and am taking back that huge ugly purse I bought the other day. I found a better one for myself for $1! I'm SO pleased with it. Even though I bought the other used I just couldn't justify the money I spent on that stupid thing. My new one is a bit smaller which is the great part about it, the first one really was just too big for my body. haha.

I've got a recent complete addiction to 3 Musketeer mint. I've loved it since it came out right around the time I got married, but the rediscovery is killing me! I'm ashamed to say I've been eating them over actual food and to the point my blood sugar is much too high. What can I say? I'm a sucker for chocolate and mint!! Every time! I should ban them from my house but... ....my will is too weak.

I can already tell after this holiday season is over I'm going to have to do some serious butt kicking to get myself back into gear on the healthy train.

Oh, did I mention that it snowed here this morning? It seems to have been pretty spotty around town and and only got a light blanket in a couple small areas. What's crazy, though, is that we actually had snow in October. We've had record snow falls the last couple years but they didn't hit until December. Man, I LOVE winter.

Not Me! Monday!

Welcome to Not Me! Moday! This was created by the lovely a inventive MckMama as a fun way to start a week new and has spread quite widly since! Head on over to her blog and check out what everyone else did Not do this week!

My husband and I did not go out just for fun and then spontaneously bought Miss Rylee a new Carseat, thereby graduating her from her Infant Seat. My husband did not insist on installing it in the target parking lot! He also did not want to leave that massive box in the middle of the lot (WHO would think of doing such a thing!? No, he didn't get to just leave it.).

I also did not JUST buy a Baby Book to fill in for Rylee. I, being the excited pregnant mother I was, would have bought one WAY in advance!

In the span of just a couple hours I also did NOT succumb to things I said I never would! I did not try on skinny jeans just for fun then end up having to find a pair that fit perfect and actually buy them!!!

After that I did not find and concurrently buy a HUGE ugly purse - now trading two (a purse and diaper bag) for one clunky thing! My sweet Mother always carries around a fairly large purse (or two) and I always said I would never do that... Of course I still have Not done that!

Sugar Free Cough Syrup

I hate being Sick.

I hate being Diabetic and Sick.

Here's a new one: I hate being Diabetic, Sick AND a Mommy!!!

Started coming on Monday night and has just gotten worse and worse with each day. Today I woke up and felt the need to puke. I hate puking, so stifled that urge down. The problem was that I felt that urge alllll morning. So, lay on the floor with pillows and blankets while Rylee played around throwing cheerios on the floor and climbing on my aching head.

Finally she decided that she'd take a nap with me so I got to lay there on the floor till after 11am, sleeping off and on.

Feeling a bit better I decided to try and shower. Rylee wasn't cooperating. I put her in the high chair and brought that into the bathroom - with a tray full of food. She wasn't having it. Screamed her stupid cute head off the entire time. Being upset about that I ignored her and decided to at least blow dry my hair. She wasn't pleased but neither was I.

Suffering from a nasty Upper Respiratory Infection, a bad case of Blood Sugars Gone Wild, and a Cranky Child has me quite cranky myself.

Kenny is so sweet, though, bringing me home some Chicken Noodle Soup and Sugar Free Cough Syrup. Then took care of Rylee for me and put her to sleep for me too! Instead of sleeping, like I should be, I am instead blogging.

I have never tried the Sugar Free Cough Syrup made especially for Diabetics (heehee) before. I never really thought the normal stuff was all that bad - but I am quite appreciative for it today! My sugars have been 300+ all day - furthering my crappy feeling body right along. Hopefully this stuff will give me some relief and not cause my sugars to run any higher at all!

Not Me! Monday!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This fun little thing is hosted by MckMama. Pop on over to her blog to see hers and many more!

This week I did NOT happen to see my daughter playing with my computer - she knows she's not supposed to touch - and pretended to not notice. I didn't watch as she closed the lid and the music that was on stopped and she started crying. I certainly did not laugh at my distraught daughter!

I also did NOT leave my car in gear as I was getting out of my seat while Kenny was trying to put Rylee in the back seat. It did NOT scare the crap out of me and cause my sweet husband to yell at me. No, I would never do such a stupid careless thing - and he would never yell at me for being so stupid. Not us!

We are also NOT sleeping in our living room on the couch/floor so that we can get a few hours of sleep while trying to teach our daughter to sleep in her crib for more than 2 hours at a time. I am NOT anxious about doing this at all, it's for her own good and to be a good mother I shouldn't have a problem with this, right?

I have also NOT taken up knitting to add to my list of other crafty things I love and I have NOT become obsessive about it. I don't try knitting every possible couple minutes of free time I have - leaving the dishes I need to do undone. Nope, not me!


Furthermore, I did not photograph my daughter sleeping like she broke her poor little neck! No, I'd have sat her up and figured out how her car seat would let her slump down like that right away!

Say What!?

My baby is 10 months old already!? No way! I don't believe it!

....well, actually, I kinda do believe it. Every bit of it, and I'm still loving it!

I am really glad I've taken the time to really cherish every moment of my adorable daughters babyhood.

She has recently taken to shaking her head "no" and it's SO cute! She is starting to learn cause and effect, so sometimes that "no" shaking is purposeful. Other times it's just because she's enjoying the act of it.

Still not walking but is coming ever so close. I can't wait until she does. Seriously. No, I'm not crazy. What most people are not understanding is that she still insists on being held and in my arms as much as she can be - even though she can crawl around everywhere. She's getting much more adventurous and is crawling away from me at times - but those moments are few (which I'm okay with. I do love her dependency on me.).

She still says "mama" with cute regularity. No "papa" yet. We were sitting with her a couple mornings ago trying to get her to say papa and she'd look directly at Kenny and say "mama!" It was awesome. I think she says "numnum" for food, but it's undetermined if that's purposeful yet - still cute, though!

Ever more curious about things in life, like cows!

Normal

I don't usually talk about it, it's part of my daily life. I don't feel like it's "different" most days - it's just how I live. Being Diabetic, though, does have its difficult days for me.

Being pregnant was difficult, and yet so worth it. Being a mom, and diabetic is a whole new can of worms. I worry about lows when I'm alone with her - but I usually push those worries to the back of my mind. I've never had a low that I couldn't take care of myself.

A couple mornings ago Kenny was in the shower and I was trying to get out of bed but my blood sugar had dropped so low that I wasn't sure I could pick up my crying child before getting food. - Of course she was in bed with us so I couldn't just leave her there or she'd try and follow me and get hurt. I managed to bring her to the living room - which isn't all that far - and she was happy to sit and play while I shoveled left over birthday cake into my mouth.

It was the first time that had happened to me since she was born. I hope it does not become a regular thing.

Then there are those awful high blood sugars. I feel like crap and I'm not as patient with her, especially when she's teething, as I want to be. That bothers me a lot.

Suffice to say that I try to avoid both - but both are not avoidable all the time. Just a fact of life, my daily life. We carry on, eating, playing, taking insulin and eating and playing some more, hoping for the best.

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Have I mentioned TEETHING lately??? Oh.My.Gosh. Rylee has been almost nightmarish. I've been going back and forth in my thoughts the last couple days wondering if she's got an ear infection she's been so bad.

NOT sleeping at night. Fussy almost all day - except a couple preciously cute moments. She usually likes riding in the car and just babbles on and on - last couple days: Screaming her head off. She's not eating as much as usual. Wants to nurse constantly but only for a couple seconds (which is REALLY inconvenient).

Kenny and I love her adorable toothless grins and haven't been excited for her to get teeth (are we bad!?), but right now I just want SOMETHING to happen! It's been going on since she was 3 months old - not constantly, but enough. This week just takes the cake, though. Please, little teeth, won't you just pop through??? OR let me know there is something else wrong!!!! heehee.

Okay. My poor little girl, though. I just want to fix it.

Oh Sweet Winter!

It's definitely letting us know it's trying to make its grand entrance!

It's only a little into October and I feel like I might need to break out my winter jacket! YEESH! SO COLD HERE.

It's "fine" during the day this week when the sun is out and there is no wind. Just need a light hoodie. Put that wind chill factor in and OH MAN it is COLD.

THEN, that blessed sun sets and it gets even COLDER.

I make a point every year to try and make it as long as possible without wearing my winter jacket. Why? I don't know! I just like the mind over matter that it takes to get my body acclimated to the temperatures. I usually make it till sometime in December. I don't think that's gonna happen this year.

I've spent the last few days trying to find Rylee a winter jacket. A month ago when we had NO extra money there were cute ones (also when it was still 90º here). Now there are none when we have a little extra.

I have also spent the last few days trying to find her some reasonably priced snow boots that are bendable/not hard-soled. You'd think they'd do that for petite babies. Rylee is a small baby, not quite walking yet but will be come time to wear those stinking boots. We get real winters here too, not a light dusting of snow that shuts Seattle down for the week.

I have a feeling this winter is gonna be crazy like last year, the winter that Rylee brought in. But it's starting MUCH earlier than it has. Maybe it won't stretch as long into what should be our Spring time? That would be awesome. Heehee.

My baby will be a year old in 2 months. I cannot believe that. I remember allllll too vividly how AWFUL I felt this time last year. Praying I didn't throw up while at work because of heart burn. Trying to work with my back that was trying to snap in 2 because of my 9 pound baby in the making. Trying to not dye from my broken ribs thanks to my sweet gymnast. Yes, that was what was happening this time last year.

This time 2 years ago I was pregnant with our twins and just finding out. We had only been married a few months. It was a crazy time in life. The last 2 years have been intense and I am in the longest stretch of "unpregnancy" as I have been in since marrying my love.

Ya know, I am just fine with that!!!

I feel like we're starting to get things a little more figured out right. Rylee is growing and learning. We're getting our debts paid off and thinking about actually getting Kenny back to school. I'm working more regularly. Yes, things, though still tumultuous, are coming along quite swimmingly.

My best friend is getting married. Gotta start working on Christmas presents, and Christmas Cards, and a "newsletter" from our humble little family. Yes, these last 2 years have been "Banner Years" for us. Much to be thankful for. Much to remember. Much to come.

I should be sleeping now. "Sleep when the baby sleeps." Yeah Right.

Puppy Love

Puppies are cute and lovable, right?? This one certainly is.

I think they are cute. Especially when it happens to be my lovely sister in law's new baby. And probably the only cousin Rylee'll ever have from them. Heehee.

Although it looks like Rylee is in total love with this adorable little thing, she was not impressed. She continued to crawl around after the other dogs, but not this one. I think she'll warm up to it next time. For today, though, she was happy being left alone.

She much preferred crawling around and looking at leaves on this blustery day.

Or squinting in the wind.

Or checking out the tree roots and following the camera around.

Yes, she really had no need for that puppy in the window face