2 years for my Angels

The past few days have been a little bittersweet for me.

It was 2 years ago yesterday that our Twins would have been "due." We all know that "Due Dates" really don't mean a lot for when babies will actually be born, but it was the date.

We weren't ready for children, so we thought. We were just married, only 4 months before we found out that I was pregnant.

In honesty, when I first found out I cried. I thought "my life is over." We were both going to go to school and had so many other plans - a child just wasn't in that plan yet, in my mind. Kenny was sweet and supportive, although it wasn't in our plans he was excited to be a Dad (or 'Papa' as we later decided).

Being Diabetic and not planning that pregnancy I knew that I was in bad shape. I got into the doctor has fast as I could, it still took 2 weeks and my best guess was that I was at least 8 weeks along already.

I went to that first appointment alone. The initial stuff was boring - family history and all. Then after figuring out I could very well be 12 weeks along after the doctor said I had a "good sized uterus" they used a "Doppler" to hopefully hear the baby's heartbeat in the exam room without an ultrasound.

Upon not finding it they just assumed the baby was hiding or I wasn't as far along as they thought they sent me down for blood work than back for an Ultrasound in a couple hours.

I was excited. I had a couple weeks to pour over every article I could on the internet in that amount of time. I was getting used to the idea of having a baby. I was already attached, although I told myself not to be, I didn't know if it was really real.

Got into the ultrasound room, laid down on the chair. The really nice Ultrasound Technician plopped that gooey ooze onto my belly and started rubbing that wand around. I quickly spotted not one but TWO blobs on the screen. I didn't say anything but I was freaking out inside - "Twins!?" Really!? Am I seeing that there are Twins inside me!?"

After a lot of silence, a LOT of looking and looking and more looking, I had never been to one, no one ever told how they happen or anything, I had no idea what to expect. When she turned the screen off she looked at me and told me "I'm sorry, Hon. It looks like this is a pregnancy that just isn't going to work out." She turned the screen back on and tried to show me what I should see if the babies were alive.

I still didn't know what I should see at that point (though at my next ultrasound with little blob Rylee I immediately knew the difference), so I just nodded, asked if there were twins and tried to keep it together until I get the heck out of that office and call Kenny. I texted my best friend while sitting and waiting for the Doctor to come in and tell me what happens next, she offered to leave work right then and come be with me. I just wanted to be alone. I was supposed to go back to work, I wasn't going to. I didn't even want to call and explain why (Kenny was a dear and later did that for me).

Doctor H was really nice, he explained my options and told me why he thought which one was best for my circumstances. Considering I was carrying twins, should have been about 11 weeks along and they both died between 6 and 8 weeks it was unlikely I would be able to miscarry naturally - and if I did there would be so much bleeding I'd wind up in the hospital needing a transfusion. So a D&C was the best option and the one I chose. It was 2 days later.

The two days waiting for my D&C were agonizing. I went to work the day in between. I just wanted to get back on with my life. I wanted to do anything I could to keep my mind off of the dead babies in my belly. The babies we wanted, though unexpected. Kenny and I both longed for twins when we would someday have children.

The day of the D&C we were also already scheduled to go out of town for the weekend to a music conference with our Church Worship Team. I went ahead with that as well. I didn't care that I 'should be home and rest.' I needed to keep doing, keep going, keep moving with life. Our babies were no more, they were in heaven and I just didn't know what to do with my life. I didn't understand why I would never get to meet my babies in this life. I still don't fully understand, yet I wouldn't have my Rylee either, considering the timing of the events.

The following month was difficult. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life. Every time I found myself alone I cried. I longed for the babies I could never hold. The babies that would never touch my arms. The babies whose faces I would never see, cries I would never hear, skin I would never touch, lives I would never see unfold in front of me.

One day, while I was laying on the couch, silently sobbing with the tv on - hoping I would not bother Kenny - He got up and went to our bedroom and stayed there for a long time. Finally I went in and asked what was bothering him. He told me he couldn't handle all my tears and crying anymore. It hurt him too much to see me so upset. At that point I stopped. No more tears. No more crying. Nothing.

I missed my babies I only knew about for 3 weeks, loved like I didn't know I could in those 3 weeks, but they were no longer mine, they are with Jesus now and are his. I'll get to see them someday.

5 months later I would find out that we were expecting Rylee. Again, not in our plans. Apparently normal birth control pills aren't effective in my body! Still, the most beautiful blessing in our lives she has been.

I love her so much and am beyond thankful that I get to be her mother. I sometimes wish I could have her and her twin siblings all together here on this earth. I know it wasn't meant to be. I know that they are in a better place. I know that God knows why I wasn't allowed my first children. Perhaps he looked into their future and saw that it would be unsafe for them. Or maybe he knew my health at the time would cause problems for all of us in such a way that we'd all be adversely effected. I don't know. It took a bit to come to terms with and just say "I don't know why, but I accept it."

Rylee, our only child, at this point 'for good,' is the light of our lives. We love seeing her grow and blossom, and I think I enjoy it more than I would have - had I not gone through losing my other babies.

So, happy 2 years, my little angels. Mommy has shed a few tears tonight, missing you, loving you. Wishing and waiting for the day when the 5 of us can all be together in the presence of our Lord.

Zombie

I am tired, exhausted, sleepless, fatigued, weary - a Zombie.

I've mentioned before - Rylee hasn't been sleeping since we moved.

Case-in-point: Rylee played good and hard yesterday. She only had 1 nap, an hour and a half, early in the day. We thought for sure she'd sleep through the night considering she usually takes 2 naps per day about an hour each, or 1 nap 2-3 hours in length.

As she must always do things her way after she fell asleep at 9pm she proceeded to wake up not Once but 5 times before Midnight! That very same pattern she followed through the entire night. She wanted to get up and play.

Today, she only had One 20 minute nap in the car = bad nap. She fell asleep at 8:30pm and has been up several times now. At some point she has GOT to stop this. For her and my sake.

For me because I just want to be a sane person! For her because she needs me to be a sane Mommy. Not a short-tempered, easily frustrated - walking zombie.

I noticed awhile back that my insulin needs have steadily gone up over the last year - even when I was breastfeeding (not until after a good 9 months into it, though).

I've tried to figure out why. For breakfast this morning I had 2 pieces of toast and basically took a pregnancy rate of insulin for it at 1 unit per 5 grams of carbs - and still 4 hours after that my blood sugar only came down to 158. I have though maybe it's the birth control I'm on. Now I'm wondering if it has to do with my severe lack of sleep. The sleepless night have been like this for a very long time now. I'm just done.

So why am I still up now? Well, because I my stupid body clock is set for the wrong and stupd times. SO, I've just gotta try and retrain myself and hopefully break out of this.

Rylee, sweetheart, please let mama sleep through the night - more than one night would be so completely aweseom.

Thanks, sweety,

MamaBee.

Sick? Naw, just High

With a nasty rash of illness going through the house, Starting with Rylee, then Father and Brother-in-law, then to Kenny - where he ended up with Strep Throat - then onto my Mother-in-law I thought that MAYBE I escaped since it has been 2 weeks and I have yet to come down with the symptoms.

Beyond disappointed doesn't even describe the feeling when this morning it appeared that I had the symptoms everyone else did. Your fine one moment then it just HITS you. I got up, got Rylee started to do something then I instantly felt like I was going to Puke.

Feeding Rylee breakfast was an interesting feat,  I couldn't stay standing or sitting upright for more than a couple minutes at a time.

After I got back to the couch to lay down for the rest of the day I ached. I was nauseous, weak, THIRSTY, and my lower back hurt. A lot. I started with my blood sugar at 180mg/dl this morning, then without any food at all it shot up to 488 (I suspect fowl play on the part of my meter).  No amount of bolusing would bring it down. Not entirely a-typical of illness with diabetes.

Retracing the thoughts of my symptoms in my head to figure out what I could do to not feel so terrible it occurred to me that my lower back hurt, but it was more internal like my kidneys hurt.

Playing Diabetic Detective, as we must do almost daily, I had to wonder if my insulin didn't spoil when I left it out in my car overnight a few days ago, and I had just refilled my pump yesterday.

Ironically enough it was my last vial and I am waiting for my insurance company to send my next 3 month supply so I didn't have any readily available to test my theory out.

Anyone just love their doctor? I do! We've had our irritations in the past but she is ALWAYS there when I need her. I called them up, let them know my symptoms and why I thought my insulin had spoiled - they came through with not just one vial of insulin but 2 insulin pens (which I haven't used in years) as well! I was able to give myself a huge shot right outside the office back in our car (Oh, did I mention that Kenny, who had just gotten home from work early, drove me there so I wouldn't have to limp along feeling as absolutely horrid as I did!? Well, he took me and he's awesome!).

Still running higher blood sugars at the moment but starting to finally feel better. I'm thankful I recognized that my insulin was bad. I would have gone all day essentially with no insulin and certainly would have wound up at the hospital for diabetes related problems for the first time in 5 years. I like to avoid visits like that. As I am sure most everyone likes to avoid trips to the hospital when it can be avoided.

Since pregnancy my symptoms of High and Low blood sugars have changed. Also the way my body handles things have changed dramatically. Before I would be able to (as an eating disorder riddled fool) let my blood sugar run high with no insulin in my system and handle it just fine with no 'side effects' other than thirst and peeing every 10 minutes. 

Now, a single night running high with no insulin lays me out flat in borderline Diabetic-Ketoacidosis and sore kidneys to boot.  Not to mention the extra priorities of taking care of my Munchkin even when I'm sick - which is a feat in and of itself.

So, back to hoping I don't get sick from what everyone else has and hopefully back to a "normal" day tomorrow! :)

Happy Day!

So, after deciding to go back to cloth diapers I scoured ceaselessly the DiaperSwappers website until I found a few choice diapers for the right price, that would allow me to be able to get us enough of a supply to ::hopefully:: make it work this time.

I was am quite giddy that a couple packages came today that contained 3 of the 8 that I ordered!

As soon as Rylee was up from her nap I tried them on her and much to my VERY pleasant surprise Green Acre Design (GAD's) Cloth Diapers are now my VERY favorite, with FuzziBunz taking a close second now, they were my number 1 favorite previously.

Look at her adorably cute skinny little butt in the GAD's!

I must admit I was a little worried about putting her back into cloth diapers for a fairly selfish reason - they might make her pants/shorts not fit well anymore. It seems that little girls clothes aren't given the same amount of "room" as they used to be, so the extra fluffy butt makes the legs of her pants harder to walk in. These GAD's, though are super slim and totally awesome on her! SO super duper cute! I would absolutely LOVE to have more of these in my collection, if I could afford it. For now, though it's not in our cards. Ah well, I'm so happy to have the ones that I do.

ALSO

If you'll notice the New Button on the Top Left Side Bar on my blog For Sweet Little Cupcakes you should totally check out that wonderful little Etsy store!! Britni over at A Little Sugar-N-Spice makes the most adorable hair flowers!

I've got 3, thanks to that wonderful friend of mine and I just LOVE putting them in Rylee's Hair!

Getting Back To It

When we started Cloth Diapering Rylee last year in August when she was just 8 months old we discovered she had awful sensitive skin to cloth diapers (or the cloth set it off because after that it was many many months of non stop bleeding diaper rash). 

I kept at it and kept trying for a couple months, especially because we had no money at all and didn't have much of a choice at that point.

Try as I might I could not keep her diaper rash free. It took me a long time to get the ammonia smell out of the dipes and even upon accomplishing that I couldn't clear that pesky diaper rash. I think part of the problem was that I didn't have enough cloth diapers to change her as frequently as she needed to be.

So, it was back to disposables. Which, also, caused diaper rash. I took her to the doctor several times over it, was plastering on several different kinds of ointments at once. FINALLY it cleared up a couple months ago. She's been diaper rash free since then and I've only been putting her in Pampers - the only once that worked well enough that she wasn't leaking in an hour.

Jessi over at Welcome to the Zoo has been posting about all her cloth diapering lately and it got me thinking about trying it again, now that Rylee has gotten a little older and her skin doesn't seem to be as sensitive now.

A couple weeks later both Jessi and my dear friend Britni at A Little Sugar-n-Spice  posted about Pampers and the "facts" they state on their website. - Being as I have been using Pampers what the company said bothered me a little bit and pushed me to think about Cloth even more.

Rylee has been using more diapers than ever (for some reason I thought the number would go down as she got older, not up) as she's gone from not wetting much at all to wetting through diapers constantly if I don't make sure she's changed regularly. It's not a problem with the diapers either, it's simply just because she's a very heavy wetter these days.

So, I figured since we're already trying to save money by living at my In-Laws until Kenny is done with school, this might be a good way to save more for the next 6ish months until she's potty trained.

And as obsessive as I am, I've been scouring Diaper Swappers incessantly trying to get the best deals. So far I've got 6 more coming to me putting my stash up to 11 dipes now. I'm kinda excited. Kinda apprehensive. I feel like I HAVE to make it work this time or I'm gonna get laughed at by Kenny and everyone else, and seriously disappointed in myself. Ha.

So, here we go again. :)

A little bit crazy

I'm feeling a little bit crazy tonight.

I had every intention to follow through with Diabetes Blog Week but everything went crazy on me. Most of all Rylee got sick after a very awesomely fun birthday Party at Chuck E. Cheese  for her Cousins.

She ran the worst fever she's ever had for 3 days and I got no sleep.

My husband is about ready to get rid of my puppy. He grew up with Chihuahuas (I, on the other hand, did not have a single dog while growing up) and should have known before we committed to buying her that she would be a pain-in-the-rear to house break.

It started off with how she was disciplined in the first place - it wasn't the right style for her - and she got terrified of Kenny and it was a major set-back to the whole potty-training thing leading to submissive peeing.

So, I've been back peddling while trying to still make progress and coming up with new ways to help get through to her, figure out what disciplinary style will work for her.

I can't leave the house ever or pay sole attention to my child without *me* being in trouble because of the puppy. She's clearly not getting it.

So, back to the drawing table I go to figure out another way to get her trained. Starting with keeping her on a leash and with me at all times, any time she's not she'll be in a crate, which I'll (hopefully) score off craigslist.

She's gotten horridly fond of people food which irritates me to no end. Hopefully being in a crate when it's meal time will help with the peeing and pooping wherever too.

~~~~~~~~~~~

We turned Rylee's crib into a toddler bed tonight. I revamped that idea pretty quickly. I'm ready for her to start learning, she's ready to start learning.

However, being as how I've gotten so little sleep this weekend and she decided it was play time shortly after she'd fallen asleep it was quickly apparent  I couldn't handle it tonight. So, the crib bar went back on and I'm ensured another night of sleep (or... I hope I am anyway. She's not been sleeping well since we moved.). So, it'll probably work out that the crib bar is off during the day and she'll take naps there and get used to it in general but the bar goes back on at night for bed. Soon the bar will come off at night too. She's a quick learner so I'm sure it won't be too terribly long. ........I hope........

I'm so tired these days. Rylee really hasn't been sleeping since we moved. She gets up 3-10 times at night and screams. Since we're in the same room now I can't just let her cry back to sleep because Kenny has to work in the mornings and I don't want it to disrupt his sleep. There have only been a literal handful of times she's slept through the nights (meaning, only woke up once) in the last 2 months. 

Oh yeah, it's been two months now that we've lived here.

Between Rylee's illness this weekend and Kenny's allergies hitting him full force and making him completely useless/grumpy, I'm just done/frustrated/crazy.

Also, today is Rylee's 17 month Birthday on the 17th.

(can you tell I'm a little bit sleepless?)

 Kenny went to bed early. Rylee almost did but then decided she wanted to play more (Again, a problem with us being in the same room these days, I can't just let her play herself to sleep when she knows I'm sitting right there). Now I'm up too late cuddling with my dog that got shut outside the last 1/2 of the day because my Husband is fed-up with her.

Ah. Okay, cry of frustration is done.

Hopefully back to normal posts tomorrow.

Mother's Day

 A week late to the Mother's Day picture game, but it's all I've got time (or energy!) for tonight!

Making the Low Go - Day 2 for Diabetes Blog Week

Day 2 for Diabetes Blog Week! "Making the low go"

Recently I have picked up my exercise routine in hopes to gain better control of my life - health/diabetes.

I started Pilates a few weeks ago. It's been fantastic, I'm absolutely loving it, I feel so energized when I'm done. Also I've started that C25K running program again. We'll also mention the fact that I chase after a toddler all day too.

A nasty consequence to really picking up the exercise is low blood sugars. It's nice to know that I'm doing something right and the exercise is helping lower my over all blood sugars. However, it's unpleasant when you wind up at 60mg/dl all day and have to stop to eat, yet again (annoyingly negating all the exercise you just did).

My favorite things to treat those nasty lows are usually Fruit Punch Glucose Tablets 

They are yummy and kinda like candy. When I need something quickly those are my go-tos. ...of course, that's only when I keep them stocked. Once I run out I am terrible about replenishing my stock. ...speaking of that...

Moving on.


I really love to eat Apples and Peanut Butter

I generally try to pick out small apples so they are about 15grams of carbohydrates, and the protein in the peanut butter makes it the perfect snack for me.

The carbs are just enough to bring my blood sugar up and the peanut butter helps keep it up for a longer period of time than just the quick acting glucose tablets.

After those are exhausted or I need something REALLY quick (like those 3am 40mg/dl lows) Capri Suns are awesome. Quick, effective and yummy.

 So, that's how I chase my lows away (when I'm being a good girl and not devouring everything in sight because I'm "that" low). Check out everyone else and see what they use too!

A Day in the life... With Diabetes

Karen over at Bitter-Sweet had a great idea to do a Diabetes Blog Week. We all thought it would be a great idea and Karen says there are at least 95 blogs participating!!

Today's focus is A Day in the Life... With Diabetes So, here we go,

A Day in the life... Diabetic Mommy Style

Being a mom is one of the most wonderful things in the world, next to being Wife to the worlds best Husband.

It's been quite the learning experience to balance Diabetes with Baby starting with the day I found out I was pregnant. We weren't planning her, I didn't have control over my diabetes. I had just started to get my butt in gear, ironically enough, so I learning to keep my blood sugars strictly between the 80-120mg/dl range was difficult. Definitely worth it for the health of my baby girl.

Fast forward to having a nearly ***17 Month Old*** toddler (!!) it's another new world of Diabetes+Motherhood.

She's always on the move. I'm always chasing after her as she shrieks in delight. 

Between getting up in the morning and making breakfast and lunch for Hubby, Myself and Rylee - then getting on with my day which could include anything from grocery shopping, going to work 3 days a week, taking the munchkin to the park, house work, puppy training, making dinner, bath time.... and on and on - all the while making sure Rylee gets the love and attention and discipline she needs - the time to take care of myself and diabetes slips through the cracks all too easily.

Today, for instance,  I woke up with a low blood sugar at 61mg/dl - I had a hard time getting breakfast ready and was pleased Rylee stayed asleep for once.

I had a dentist appointment. Finally wrapping up the TONS of dental work I've needed done. I forgot my Mom is several States away this week due to my Great-Grandmother dying last week, she usually watches the munchkin for me. Last minute I remembered this and begged my wonderful mother in law to watch her for "a couple hours" for me.

That "couple hours" turned into 4 after having to treat a low blood sugar right after the appointment, dealing with the car-licensing (which is another post in itself!), and picking up another late mothers day present.

Miss Rylee was so happy to see me at home. We ate some lunch together (where I forget to test my blood sugar before hand) and read some books.

I'm trying so hard to get a handle on my Diabetes control these days, so I'm trying to incorporate her into it. We went for a run together, I'm jumping back into that Couch to 5k program again - it was a wonderful bit of exercise today and did wonders for my blood sugars! Stupidly I forgot to check my blood sugar before going for my run/walk/interval training and when I got back I was low at 61mg/dl.

No, I didn't bring my meter or back up sugar in the jogging stroller with me. Yes, I am that stupid. - Which is a huge issue for me that I need to resolve.

What would happen if I was to go low enough to pass out or just not be able to even move on the side of the road with Rylee buckled into the jogging stroller? I do bring my phone but if I'm low enough to pass out there isn't any point to the phone. - That's another thing - a medical i.d. bracelet. I have always been terrible at wearing one. Does anyone in the 'real world' wear those anymore? I really should have one "just in case" that worst case scenario does happen.

Anyhow, back to the day.

After we get back Rylee and I play around outside, then inside, then her Papa gets home and we help him clean out his work car. It was a little out-of-the-ordinary for a normal day but that's our 'normal' life. Every day is different. Nothing is ever set in stone and we're flexible to anything.

I had to leave shortly after that again - this time for Pilates. I LOVE Pilates! I feel so energized and awesome afterward. Before starting class I checked my blood sugar at was dismayed when I saw 71mg/dl pop up on the screen - especially when I realized that I also did not have any snacks to bring it up before starting my class. Disconnecting my pump I went ahead with the night, realizing I'd probably have to leave 1/2 way through.

Surprised and pleased I finished the class at 71mg/dl. It didn't budge one bit. First stop on the 30 minute drive back home was at Taco Bell for some good low fat, low grease food.

I've spent most of my day on the low side of the blood sugar realm. Which tends to be tricky when handling a toddler. My energy gets zapped and I don't feel like keeping up with my very active toddler, sometimes I get short tempered with her as she's screaming "ah!ah!ah!" at me for the 100th time. Yet, I still have to be a Mother. I still have to be a Wife. I am still Diabetic. There is no break from any of the 3. 

Some days are great. Some days are rough. Chasing after a toddler is awesome. I'm always busy and she is so full of life my days are wonderful, regardless of what happens in the diabetes realm. I love her, I love my husband - and because I love them I must incorporate diabetes into my every day. even when I am "too busy" or "forget." (...just another excuse for getting a CGMS...)

My baby girl is going to be a great adversary to me, as my husband is. 

Cute!

I love my 16.5 month old Baby!!

Her Smile Lights up our Life

She thinks about a lot

She's CUTE!

Lazy

You know those lazy days?

Those really awesome ones where the baby lets you sleep through the night - she only woke up once! - then you get to sleep in until 9am and then lets you lay on the couch with her until nearly 11am?
You then get to take a nap with her later from 1- 4pm! Yeah, it was one of those days.

The only 2 things that would have made it better would have been

1. Not waking up with a nasty headache. Apparently I was super grumpy and short tempered.

2. Not finding out that my Great Grandma was taken to the hospital via ambulance with some major unknown (at the time) bleeding.

A very nice nap and a handful of ibuprofen later and my headache is gone. It was a much brighter day after that.

My heart is saddened about my Grandma, though. She's 89 and I am so grateful to even have a Great-Grandma. I had 3, One who my middle name is after and died while I was still a baby, The other died last summer at 95 (give or take a year), and this one.

Later today we found out She has internal bleeding from too much aspirin and may need surgery to fix it. She's had several blood transfusions from losing so much all day. I can't help but think that her chances of recovering from this are very high. She was still living at home because she's an awesome spunky little thing but her health has deteriorated a lot the last 2 years, and more so the last year.

I hate that She is in the Midwest and I'm in the Inland Northwest. I hate that because we had to replace my car there will likely be no way for me to bring Rylee to go see her. I also hate that if she dies I probably will not be able to go to the funeral.

She is the closest Great-Grandparent to me (Grandma-L). I would have loved to know the one I am named after (Grandma-D). She helped bring my Daddy to Jesus and sounds like she and I would have just gotten along so well, all the spunk, feisty, and stubbornness combined.   I never met in person Grandma-R, who died last summer, so I never felt that close to her. I was saddened for my Mom, though as She got the opportunity to spend a couple weeks the last few years in the Midwest visiting her family.

Grandma-L, though, she and I used to write each other all the time. I was excited every week to get my letter from her and I was so excited to write her back. Then she got a computer with internet and she even e-mailed me for a couple years! Her computer died and because she doesn't have any technological genius's like my Husband over there it never got fixed. So we went back to writing (she had the most wonderful cursive!) until her hands got too  arthritic then she would type me letters on an old-fashioned type-writer.

She's such a sweet lady.

My poor husband has dealt with grandparents and family members dying since he was very young. I haven't had to deal with that yet. Instead I've had friends as close as brothers and sisters die the last few years and a grandparent - my Dad's Dad. We saw that coming, he was a die-hard drinker and smoker all his life and his body just gave out.

I know this is to be expected with my Grandma-L too. It just saddens me. I don't typically get emotional over things like this. Many view me as emotionally cold. Kenny is that way too (a good indication of why we're perfect for each other). Yet knowing that it's unlikely my Grandma-L will recover very well from this and she's probably not long to this world has brought some emotions to the surface today. Probably a good reason for my lethargy and ability to even take such a long nap.

So, I'll go back to my lazy awesome evening and play some video games while my daughter sleeps a few feet away.