Tuesday, September 8, 2009


Some days being a mother is the most difficult things in my life.

Teaching my daughter "No" hurts my very soul. She smiles and does it again, so the next time she gets a slight tap on the hand and she looks at me and cries the most awful cry and wants me to comfort her.

Only 8 months old and that sin nature is coming out. She keeps going back for more. When we look at her and tell her "no" sternly it breaks her heart after she's been tapped on the hand and goes for it again. Stupid sin nature.

Then there is the teething. That blasted teething. She fell asleep at 8pm then woke up screaming a 1/2 hour later - only she wasn't awake. I calmed her down then it happened again 15 minutes later. She's been up and grumpy and clingy and frustrating since then. Yet cute at the same time. I feel awful for her - but I feel awful for myself too.

My blood sugar has been very high all day and I feel like crap. My patience is worn thin between that, my husband and her. My back hurts and I just can't wait for tomorrow to come. Only thing is she's making it come so much slower than I'd like. I just want a restful night in bed. RESTFUL, what would that be like? I'm not sure, but its what I want.

And now after crying because she was told not to touch something electrical for the 25th time this evening - she fell asleep on a pillow away from me and away from Kenny. She looks so sad and alone. My shot emotions and body are about to lose it and cry. Why? Gr. I hate this. A lot.

I'm frustrated that I've been so short tempered with Kenny lately. We've been getting on each others nerves and that makes me upset. I know, it happens. I don't like it and don't have to like it. I feel that a large part of it has to do with my lack of sleep and feeling like crap lately. Gah. I hope that things return to "normal" soon.

I know normal can't be what normal used to be. I know it'll be a new normal, like when I was diagnosed as diabetic - things had to be different, a new kind of normal. I just want things to not be as crazy and up in the air. I want things to not be stressing week to week. I need to get back in my bible and cling tight to my Jesus. I know this, and yet I don't. I need so badly to get my life "in order." I feel like everything is out of control and I need some sense of normality and order. I feel like I keep getting told "no" too, but I don't know why - much like Munchkin.


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