Friday, January 8, 2010


I need a serious Attitude Adjustment.

I've been looking and acting a lot like this guy far too much lately, and it's bugging me.

My tendency to fly off the handle at Kenny and Rylee both is quite alarming.

They won't even do anything specifically wrong to me either!

Rylee may be whining - asking - for something she wants and I freak out at her because all my brain is processing is the whine. It's how she asks for things, though, and I know that. She's not doing it to be annoying on purpose - she's only a year old for crying out loud!

It's Kenny's first week back to work after our 2.5 week vacation. Every time I talk to him I insist he sounds grumpy or sad. I know I'm being totally oversensitive here. It's likely due to the fact that it's always only a matter of time before he starts to hate where he's working and I just wanted this job to last a lot longer than a year and a half. He told me the other day he needs a new job, so now I'm freaking out inadvertently at him over every little thing.

I'm so sick of the awful cycle we've fallen into. He/We come home from work, I make food I play with Rylee, I clean up after Rylee, I make/get a snack, clean up the house, clean up Rylee, give Kenny attention... all the while he usually sits at the computer. I try and talk to him but he's totally inattentive, which pisses me off - and I fly off the handle at stupid things.

Obviously my problem lies a lot deeper than the minuscule things I overreact about.

My damn blood sugar has been crazy lately. I woke up at 444mg/dl yesterday morning. I felt so sick I would have puked if there had been anything in my stomach to come up. It was all I could do to carry Rylee and get my new pump site to change that, the insulin in my pump and mass bolus insulin into my body - then hopefully shower and feel better.

It was all I could do to get her to her 12 month well child check-up - after that I finally felt better. I didn't eat hardly anything all day yesterday to get my blood sugar down - but nothing worked. 6pm rolled around and I was still sitting at 391mg/dl. I ate some dinner at that point, I just didn't care. I took over 100 units of insulin yesterday with almost no food, and still my blood sugar only came down to 191 by this morning.

Yesterday my mood was much worse than it has been lately. Poor Rylee has been teething so badly as well. She won't eat, hasn't been napping, doesn't want to play - just wants to be held, when I'm supposed to be working again.

I need a good and serious night with Kenny. I need to talk. I need things to snap back. I need to feel love and joy in our home again.

I know having Rylee wasn't in our plans yet - I guess we were pretty unprepared for how much time we wouldn't have at this point in her and our lives. I used to get my "15 minutes" a day where I would get to talk to Kenny about whatever and he would listen and respond. He used to talk to me about things with his game, emails - whatever. All of that is gone. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of not having togetherness and we're just "together" in the same house.

I've become a bitter, cynical person. I am not like that. I am happy and make the best out of everything. I laugh at bad things that happen - because if I don't I turn into this person that I am now. I need a serious adjustment somehow. I was thinking that Kenny was the "problem" here, now I think it's really me. I hate who I am these days and it really needs to change, Now.


Jenny said...

I have been there, too! Life just gets hard sometimes. I hope you have a great weekend!

Jillian said...

Oh no, I will pray for you!! We have all been there!!

Jessi said...

I've been there dear. I hate it too. I am also a happy person who sees the good and bright side of everything so I hate when I snap at my kids or husband over nothing.

I can't imagine having your diabetes doing so much craziness on you. I know that cannot be helping at all - you feeling like complete crap - with a teething baby and a husband who isn't really giving you the attention you need.

Maybe telling him that you need to talk will help things. I hope that you start feeling better soon.


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