Tuesday, February 16, 2010

"The Scale is Gaining Weight"

Being healthy has always been a fascination for me. Ever since I was little I loved the health and safety portion of school. I spent many hours of my extra time when not doing school work just reading over more health books of varying topics - whatever peaked my interest at the time.

It's always been a major struggle and issue in my life, though. I struggle with my weight. I like to be thin but every time I do my best to be healthy in the diabetes realm it instantly causes weight gain and that stirs up serious emotions and deep psychological issues within me.

I always do just enough to get by, enough to live and make it day to day. But when I really try, really try, I gain weight. Isn't that sad irony? Most people who really try to be healthy are hoping to lose a bit of weight in the process. Me? I'd just be happy to maintain.

Doing just enough to get by, and just live day to day is easy - but I doubt that will help me in the long run. I'm certain I'll suffer more consequences that I even realize. Doing 'just enough' will likely result in eyesight problems, neurological problems, heart problems... and many more. I don't want that - I don't want to subject my Husband and Daughter to that most of all. They don't deserve that. They deserve a healthy Wife and Mother. I should be doing my very best for them.

I try to keep my eyes on that goal, yet every time my weight starts creeping back up it looks less and less attractive. It's really eating at me these days.

With Kenny's suggestion I started this new C25K running program last week hoping that it will help me keep a positive outlook and maybe slow down whatever weight gain may ensue. No such luck, though. Not yet. I'll not be quitting anytime soon. I hate who I become when this happens. You'd think that I'd be a much happier joyful person when I'm healthy - but I get depressed and withdrawn.

Venting to Kenny tonight how much "I hate this!" he was so sweet and told me "just be healthy."
I appreciate that more than I can say. I still struggle with the damage Rylee did to my body, my little 9 pound wonder, I just wish I could reverse that and then maintain a decent weight. Not the hand of cards I was dealt, though.

My husband is sweet, and tries to point me toward letting it go and just focus on being healthy, being his wife and being a mom. Trying to focus on letting God take it all from me and blame it on the scale gaining weight.

4 comments:

Jessi said...

I am my heaviest right now (aside from pregnancy) at 140 and I absolutely hate it. 140 doesn't sound huge and it's not. It's just that I used to be 113 before kids and I am only 5'1 so any extra weight on me looks like a lot. I don't like being this size and I struggle with it too.

I used to have problems with anorexia when I was younger and thankfully it has not been an issue since having kids. Sometimes I stop and think if only ....but I stop myself because I know my kids deserve better. And in reality, 140 isn't bad at all. Sure, I'm not size 3 but I'm not overweight either.

Keep up the good work Momma!

alittlesugarandspice said...

I just have to say you are a great Mama! And You look fantastic, You are such a cutie and I love ya!!! Plus us shorties got the bad end of the deal, 5 lbs on us looks the the same as 20 on a tall girl! Stay strong!!! Maybe when it gets nicer weather we can get together and get healthy with the kids:)

Jenny said...

I know the struggle with an eating disorder is something that never goes away. There are no magic words and no fixes. Just do the best you can do to be healthy. Rylee needs her mommy and a good role model! That is exactly why I am working so hard...so my children will never remember me being unhealthy! You're strong and wonderful, and you can do anything!

Jenny said...

oh, yeah! I gave you an award on my blog!

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