Monday, April 27, 2009

Learning Balance

You know those times when you really want to help someone? You really love going out of your way to be of assistance? And yet, at the very same time you would much rather sit at home and not go out and do anything? Well, that is how I am feeling today.

My awesome Father has owned his own business for as long as I can remember. I have always loved helping him out - even when I wasn't much of a help and more of a problem. :) A few years back I started actually working for him full-time. It was great and I loved it, I love the work, I love the people I get to deal with... most of the time, heehee.

All the while being pregnant I had a lot of anxiety about what would happen after the baby came. The business was really important to me and I didn't want to leave it. I had it all worked out that I would Take a few weeks to a month off then come back part time 2-3 days a week consistently and have my little sister come and help watch the baby those days while I worked.

...Little did I know that it would look much different than that for me. It took me 2 months to go back to start doing just little things here and there. Now I have a hard time going in twice a week. I am so consumed with being a mommy to Munchkin that I hate going to work and taking away my time with her. I cannot believe how this has changed me.

I love work, I love helping people make a living for their families and I love helping out with my own. But I also SO much more love being a mommy and apart of Munchkins life. I hate sharing her, as I have mentioned many times before.

It is a bit different now, the work that I do for my Dad. I do it more for my Dad's sake than my own. You see, he's working all on his own right now. Not enough money to hire somebody on even part time. He's in quite a bit of financial trouble from paying bills for his business to paying bills at home. I hate to see this happening so I want to help him. All at the same time, though, I just want to stay at home with my baby.

I guess its a lesson in Self Sacrifice that I have a hard time with. I am usually happy that I have done something after it is done, but not always. Especially when Munchkin has suffered from it in someway - not gotten as much time with mommy as she is used to, or not getting to eat as much as she needs - it really frustrates me when those things happen. Maybe that is just something I need to figure out and work around as well.

I also feel the need to be at home when Kenny gets home from work. We spent almost the first year and a half hardly ever being at home at the same times as the other. He worked retail and I worked 2 jobs - one retail and the other for my Dad. So now, with him being the sole provider for us I feel its my gift to him to be home when he gets back from working for us. I feel so sad when I am not, as does he. We are quite happily in love with each other and love spending time with the other most of the time - even if its just being in the house together carrying on with our own things.

I'm still trying to learn to balance my new life out as Wife, Mommy and Daughter. We'll see how it goes. I'm trying awful hard to reach that balance, its just a lot harder than I anticipated it to be. Sometimes I wish I had a thicker skin for not feeling bad - but I am also glad that I do not, it makes me who I am.

While I am trying to figure out how to balance things, I'll finish this post off with yet another picture of my adorable child!


Stacie said...

Yep. I wish I could help you out on that one, but I'm right there with you! :-P

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