Wednesday, April 8, 2009

My Precious

Have I mentioned recently that I love my kid?

Really. I love her. I didn't use to have a jealousy complex. But now I do. I want to hold her always. I don't need a break nor want a break from her. She is my special gift from God, mine and Kenny's. I don't feel overwhelmed. I don't feel like my life is all consumed in a bad way. I don't feel the need to go do something without the baby. She's my baby and I don't want to miss anything in her life. I want her in my arms and with me.

My life has been nothing I had planned. I used to want NO kids EVER. NOT EVER. Did I say NEVER? Cause really, I NEVER wanted kids. I grew up as the first born of 5 children. I loved my childhood, and don't have any regrets. It was great, I just never wanted any of my own. Then I met my hubby, and my mind changed to "maybe one or two someday." Obviously that has changed to - one kid now. haha.

As far as we know, though, Rylee will be our only child. She has brought such joy and wonderment into our lives. Kenny and I constantly look at her and say something like "I'm glad we made her." "She's SO cute. No, she's SOOOOOOOO cute!" ...yeah, we're pathetic. But, really, we're totally in love with eachother and her and couldn't be much happier right now.

After first having her I thought I didn't want to have an only child and was trying to convince Kenny that we wanted another in a couple years (not soon by any means!). He is so traumatized from the whole birth experience that he'd just rather not have to deal with that again. haha!

Now, as I look at my darling little girl I cannot imagine going through all this again with her older and not being able to give her the same attention as I do now. I am now pretty certain I just want to pour myself into her only. Of course, I'm always willing to let God change my mind again, as its happened so many times already. But for now, it is our intent to not plan on any more children and enjoy our Rylee as our only child.

My Preccciousssssssssss! (Gollum)

That's how I feel! I don't want to share! Haha! I know, its totally selfish, but I really don't. I don't want to miss a thing in her life. I want to be there for her every step of the way, help her grow up and make it through life as God would have for her. I want to model to her what a wife is to her husband. I love him so much and couldn't ask for a better one!

So many would give anything to have the kind of "luck" we've had with conceiving children, and so I feel terrible for those who may think that we are squandering our "gift." But, the way Kenny has seen it is - we've already got two little ones in heaven waiting for us. We are, in a way, a family of 5, and I cannot wait to meet those that never made it here to earth for me to love and dote on. Yet, had those 2 not gone to heaven, I would not have Rylee here with me now. Its all so bittersweet, and all apart of God's plan.

For now, I am content with Rylee being an only child. I don't want to miss anything and I do not feel the need to "get away." I don't need a break. She's my sunshine and brings joy to my heart and being. She makes me want to strive towards Jesus and be the best mother and wife that I can be.

Thank You, Jesus, for my precious little girl.


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