Saturday, May 16, 2009

Frustrated Love

You know that good old saying "the ones you love the most hurt you the most"? Well, it still rings true.

My Dad's sister was in town all week, for the first time *ever* and it was great. I spend time with them last weekend and tonight before she leaves tomorrow, it was so great. On my parents' side of the family "gatherings" don't happen. The most that ever happened when I was growing up was my uncle, aunt, 2 cousins and my dads parents and us. That was *it* and he is the youngest of 7 children.

This gathering was twice the size! It is quite likely another of that "magnitude" will not happen again. It was quite a lot of fun. My Uncle taught us how to play Texas Hold 'Em the "right way" - casino style tonight and it was a lot of fun! I really enjoyed myself.

...but... then there is my oldest-younger-brother (I have 3!). We love eachother so much and have been each others buddy all our lives. The direction we have taken our lives is so vastly different, though, it is painful to watch. I know everyone is different but there is "good" and "bad" different.

This different is not good. It sucks and makes me sad, angry and irritated all at the same time. He screws up his life in a new way just about every time I see him. I don't mean the "drug and jail" kind of screw up. Just the - I'm a slacker and won't get a new job that actually pays me money even though I talk about it all the time, I have a lot of debt for a 19 year old but spend my money on sound systems instead of paying my bills, I also don't have a car and use everyone else' stuff to my own benefit. - sort of way.

Kenny and I and my Dad have busted our butts trying to help him get on track. He gets on track then just goes way off and out again. In October we dropped EVERYTHING - dad paid for the entire trip for me to drive 2.5 hours away for him to get his GED and be able to be promoted to a management position at work - he didn't finish it and has not continued to finish it.

We help him get enrolled in a program that'll allow him to attend college with "free" (so to speak) tuition, all he has to pay for are the books. He flakes out and FAILS every.single.class. that first quarter. The next quarter he registers and then doesn't go to class ONE DAY. He hasn't called to remove himself from the classes either.

He has an absolutely adorable and wonderful girlfriend and is screwing that up too. She is SO stinkin sweet! She drives from her work on her break just to bring him a mountain dew at home then turns around and goes back to work! She lets him drive HER car around while she's at work, he doesn't help with the car payment, gas, or insurance on it either! He uses HER phone cause he won't pay his phone bill with his money from the job he gets no hours at (and won't really search for a new one).

Its just so frustrating to see this happen! I want to SCREAM at him and shake him until all the stupid has fallen out the holes in his head and the sense has instead filled in that empty space and then cork it up so it cannot fall back out! But will it work? No. Can I make him see this? No.

That sucks! We all love him, and we cannot help him! EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. he hangs out with this very specific friend he screws his life up. He gets away from that friend - it gets better. We've told him that too, and he still does it!

I must pray for him. Pray without ceasing. I have a major flaw of being too passionate and too attatched to people. So I get mad when they screw up. Not because they did, but because I know what they really want. My brother specifically, I know what his hopes and dreams are - so when he does this crap - I get mad for him, not at him.

Pray, Bee, Pray. Just keep praying. It's your strongest weapon and only weapon for him in this case.


Jillian said...

Younger brothers..... Mine was following a similar path but has finally come to his senses!! He is now 21 is going to college and got almost a 4.0 this semester. He should be graduating next year but instead has couple years left because of his past. So maybe your brother will finally grown up and come to his senses!! I will keep him in my prayers!!

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