Tuesday, May 12, 2009

No words, Too many words.

When I turned on my computer this morning to check my normal sites I was "greeted" with the saddest news I have seen in awhile and it has hit me harder than it would have before my beloved daughter. Sweet Baby Kayleigh went home with Jesus after a long battle in the hospital. Starting her sweet life at just 1 pound and after several successful surgeries she was almost allowed to go home just one more to go... ...after that surgery she was declared brain dead due to an unfortunate accident. Since then her health deteriorated fairly fast, her wonderful parents had hoped to at least bring her home for a day or two before she went home to Jesus, but it was not to be. He allowed her to fly home and wait for her family to join her there one day.

Please be in prayer, it will be a long hard road to healing after spending nearly every day at the hospital with their princess for the last 11 months, and going home to an empty crib and beautifully decorated bedroom for this precious child.

Becoming a mother has changed me in ways I didn't know it was possible. Prior to being a mother (even when 9 months pregnant with my 9 pound wonder) I would hear about a sick baby and think "oh how sad" and be totally serious. I was serious about it, I would feel sad about it and really wonder about how that baby was doing.

But now I hear about babies, read stories, or follow a wonderful blog, and my heart breaks into pieces. I cannot imagine having my child so sick. I thank my Lord and Saviour for allowing me such a great pregnancy and healthy baby with all that could have gone wrong.

You see, I'm Type 1 diabetic, I went through a miscarriage just a few months before becoming pregnant with Rylee and my diabetes was not controlled. All these things put together did not create a great start to life for my sweet baby. I was so scared that something would happen that I didn't want to tell *anyone*! Not my parents, not my in-laws. We told them, but I insisted on not telling anyone else until I'd passed the 1st trimester.

A lot of people take a different approach and tell anyways because they want everyone praying. While I appreciate that, I didn't want to go through the pain of explaining I had miscarried again, should it happen.

After that 1st Trimester passed and we were "allowed" to tell at that point, I still avoided it. I told when I "had to." Not because I wanted to. I was filled with apprehension and fear that something would go horridly wrong. Everyday I researched and studied and filled my head with all the medical crap of what was going on every day/week/month of the pregnancy and also all potential problems.

Most people may be surprised to hear all this from me, I (think) I kept a pretty calm outward appearance of just letting things be what they would be. Which I did, I just needed to know everything - then there was also the fear and apprehension that things would go all wrong... ...though I knew there would be nothing I could do to stop it - I had to worry anyway.

When 34 weeks came around I was SO BEYOND DONE! Photobucketwith being pregnant, and yet had a little bit more worry added when they kept me at the hospital for hours because I was having some pretty good contractions. They ended up sending me home saying well, we'll just let it happen and see where we end up. Dear Rylee stayed put for another 4 weeks, MUCH to my chagrin. heehee.

When she showed up at a hefty 9 pounds I don't even know how to express the feelings that I felt. I couldn't believe that she was mine. That this was my daughter to love, to comfort, to teach and parent into a functioning child of God. I still wonder that she is mine. But I looooooove her! I can't imagine losing her or having her so sick in the hospital. But I know that if she needed something I would find a way to make it work no matter what. Whatever it would take.

Becoming a mother has made me smile at every mother I see in the store with their little babies. Has made me cry (yes, real tears) at many other sick babies and pray for them. Has made me enjoy just staring at my own. Has turned me into an aspiring photographer - not wanting to miss a moment in my princess's life. Has made me respect my mother and father with a whole new level of repspect. Has turned me into a "paranoid mother" telling people to "be careful." Has given me a lot more patience than I have ever had in my entire life.

Making a Baby and becoming a Mother is one of the greatest things I have ever done. The other being Marrying the man I made a Baby with. The two most wonderful and fullfilling things for me.


Thank you Jesus for for life, for children, for prayer that we may give our burdens to you. That we may grow through prayer and giving our burdens to you. For Love and Relationships. For the beauty of the Life you have created here on earth. Thank you for giving new fresh days to work with. Thank You for My Baby.



Jillian said...

I had been following Kayleigh's story too! And since being pregnant and having my 25 week scare it really touched home. My baby would have been just over two pounds if she was born at 25 weeks and I could have had a similar story to Kayleighs!! My heart breaks for that family. I have been told on a number of occasions but family members that I shouldn't read the blogs about babies that are sick or have passed away but I do and it won't change what happens to my baby and I because God has a plan!!

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